Rants

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my rant is: i don't want to study but i also don't want to be useless but i also don't want to study.

I will never truly be happy again.

How does one get delivery drivers to use the doorbell? How am I supposed to hear a knock on a locked screen door? No sense.

(Not actually looking for answers. I just tend to vent in question form.)

The thing that cannot be said but always sad. but i have lots of good things happen

.. I'd sooner let it die, or even outright kill it than letting it suffer longer under our so-called 'care'.
If it truly up to me, I'd set it free where real care can certainly happen but NOOOooooo.


And hell no I refuse to volunteer, judgment be damned.
I choose NOT to love and already decided to choose not to act on care. Conscience or empath's empathy be damned, this is my choice.

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Another day .
another day spent productively ostensibly but when the kids leave I know I have no more energy to think properly

The woman messed up my life almost 8 years ago. My mom confirmed it wasmedical malpractice. And covid19 means no appointments. Even before it was hard to get an appointment and the system here is so convoluted and i doubt there is a solution
Just suicide but no means and the inclination isn't as strong as the sense of duty

I don't know what to feel when confronted with people's hate and evil acts anymore. I can't comprehend hateful people and start to feel hateful myself and i don't want it and start to ignore things. But then i feel irresponsible.
Just wish i could live in my own bubble forever, like the current quarantine situation. when i was trying to be a sincere and friendly person people seemed annoyed with me and even made fun of me. To this day i believe being too kind and open with people is a mistake. Because some people are jealous of that openness, sometimes treat you as a ret*d and like to hurt you. Be yourself is the worst advice ever, to people like me at least. I couldn't live in this hell of a society without hiding myself.

I wish my boyfriend didn't put smoking first before anything else. He spends so much money on cigarettes then wonders why he hasn't got any money for other things like birthday cards for loved ones. He didn't even get me a birthday card because he couldn't afford it but he still always seems to have packs of cigarettes that he buys from the store. To make things worse, he has COPD and a bad cough (smoking-related), so he should be self-isolating, but he still goes out to get cigarettes. And I bet that's what a lot of other smokers are doing, smokers who have health conditions or compromised immune systems that should be self-isolating. I will certainly not buy his cigarettes, as I do not want him smoking at all. But each time he goes to light another cigarette he says, "I'm stressed." But in actual fact, his smoking is actually the CAUSE of his stress right now. He can't sleep properly because of his coughing that gets worse when he lies down, but complains about having to sleep upright in a chair. He's at more risk of getting ill from coronavirus which is causing him panic attacks. His COPD is caused by years of heavy smoking. He tells me to be quiet whenever I try to help him quit or even try e-cigarettes, but then yells at me when he can't breathe due to his lungs getting tired from coughing too much.

So whatever I do is wrong. Smoking has really taken over his mind and life, and he is suffering physically and mentally from the bad effects of smoking but won't listen when people are trying to help. I get a good night's sleep in our lovely, comfy bed, because I don't have a self-inflicted cough. (I'd be more sympathetic if his cough was not caused by smoking or he was at least trying to help himself).

I know nicotine is addictive but as a non-smoker I just don't know how it gets to be so addictive. I mean, ingesting toxic chemicals into the lungs is just baffling to me. There are plenty of other harmful habits to abuse your body with, but smoking is the WORST and the most non-essential. Your lungs need you during this crisis, and if you carry on abusing them then you are just putting more strain on the NHS and are actually taking the piss really. Sorry if that sounds harsh to all the smokers here who think that smoking is the cure for stress, but it's just how I feel.

On edge.. XH has 20 minutes to do the right thing today

as he did the wrong thing yesterday on top of which he had me yelled at by his mom who is either being lied to or has no integrity or morals and doesnt care..
Much more to say.. Sick of having every day every month every year my life is hanging on a string for him to follow thru on basic obligations waiting wairing totally no recourse etc..

'What do I know about worrying in pandemic' huh??


Oh, yes! What the hell do I know alright?

My sister works at the hospital, my mom enforces local quarantine and is collaborating with giving away supplies few times a week. What do I know??
My dad's at US with all the panic and discrimination, several uncles, aunts and cousins across abroad who are either domestic helpers, volunteers and nurses. What do I know???
In-laws with dwindling business, family friends losing chances of finding jobs, freelancing relatives with less pay due to competition, overworked official acquaintances struggling against ungrateful citizens, neighbors being dependent due to shortages... What do I know????


What. Do. I. Hell. Damn. Know. ???
Oh, I dunno. My priorities and my feelings, and human's presumptuous judgment and ignorance.

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People never saying what they mean and being clear when they give directions is starting to really frustrate me. I don't understand why a lot of people always expect others to be able to read between the lines when they talk and magically know what they're thinking, and then get angry at me because I'm not able to do that. If someone tells me something I'm going to take in the actual content of what they verbally told me. I'm not stupid or being rude because I don't immediately pick up on hidden meanings and have to ask for clarification once in awhile, and then sometimes ask for more clarification because someone's still not being clear with what they're saying.

can everybody get back to work and all that,
essential (peasant) work gets hindered by any and every sort of lounging around and about
ugh, i get im not important, but what are you?

Interviews... nerve wracking, hideous, wish all in-person interviews were abolished on health and safety grounds lol.

Online interviews, not as bad, prep work done, notes available if I go blank, not flustered by travel, unpredictability, new environment... still managed to drop a clanger though... I was so close, it was the last few minutes, I could have just said no thank you, that's perfect... bye.
But no, I ad libbed with honesty.

All these stupid rules and restrictions are making me so nervous and uncomfortable of being in stores and shops. Today I just wanted to look in a little stationary shop because I needed something specific from there, but as it was only one customer at a time I waited outside until it was clear to go in. I was just starting to look for what I wanted, and then the clerk in there said, in an impatient voice, "the delivery man is here so stay 2 metres away". The whole shop was about 2 metres long anyway so basically what she was saying was "you idiot have come into the shop at the wrong time, you must piss off while the delivery man is here" (her flat, solemn tone of voice made it obvious). So to keep everyone safe I rushed out of the shop, you know, just in case I or the delivery man might have this stupid virus and not know about it and then we'll all die.
I just can't enjoy being in stores now. It was midday, I didn't know that was the time the delivery man comes, and course it had to be when I was in there. I'm just sick of all the paranoia and the attitude as well ("would you rather be controlled than to die of coronavirus?")
It's like living in a communist country now, with everyone being controlled. I HATE rules. It's a free country and yet I can't go into a shop without the staff looking at or talking to you like they hate you and don't want you in there.

I'm still furious about that woman who murdered her autistic son. It was premeditated murder of a terrified child in broad daylight (first attempt) and in pitch dark (the successful attempt). This biotch tried to drown her child and he was rescued, only to be sent home in her custody, most certainly traumatised and unable to express his fear. Then, she dragged him to the same place and drowned him in the pitch dark so he couldn't be rescued, before lying to police and blaming black men.

It's not that I expect mothers to love and protect their children more than fathers do. I have the same standards for fathers to protect children. I'm shocked and horrified that people sympathise with this killer and excuse the murder as less heinous because "He was autistic", "He must have been a handful", or "The schools were out and she was exhausted without support". That may all be true. Of course more support is needed for families of children with special needs. But at the end of the day, this woman murdered her own, defenceless child. There is no justification. She's a monster. It's like saying "Chavez killed Floyd but hey ... he had a heart condition (or, he wrote a bad cheque) ... (or, some other black people in the history of the world have been violent) ... so it doesn't matter".

I'm annoyed that there aren't two concurrent news stories in the US: Cop brutality involving racism against helpless handcuffed suspects, and Parent brutality involving racism against helpless dependent children.

She's just as racist, violent, and sick as the worst of the cops.

Rant Over.

#JusticeforAlejandro
Rest in Peace sweet boy