Rants

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Everyday I'm increasingly amazed that I lived to 20 y.o., and increasingly doubt that I'll live to 25.

You’ll live to at least 90.

I hate the fact that I crave attention so much.

I just found out that the "City of Roses" is Portland, Oregon.

Lol nope, it actually refers to my hometown of Thomasville, Georgia. But I imagine there are many towns and cities around the US with this nickname too.

I feel like making myself vomit whenever I eat. I did that a few weeks ago after not doing that since I was 17/18, and now I keep getting the urge to do it (the urge actually never went away, but I guess after doing it that it's hard to ignore now). It gives me intense anxiety and feels like one of my compulsions. I wonder if I went on meds for my obsessions/compulsions and it lessened them, if it'd also make that go away. I feel embarrassed by how many MH issues I have, especially ones relating to obsessions/compulsions.

My life is a pain in my ass.
I think about committing suicide these days but I know I won’t.

The very fact of being alive embarrasses me, I don't know what to do with myself.
In many ways, survival instinct is absurd.

I dislike Christianity because most Christians worship money and think Jesus was white.

Whenever my mom gets angry with me or I feel like she's going to be angry with me I feel really helpless, since I know once that happens there's nothing I can do to calm her down. I've recently realized that it's the same feeling I used to get as a little kid, and that's frustrating because it means that years later I still have no control over when people in my own family mistreat me and that I still can't prevent it.

I'm so tired of dealing with people right now. My isolated land and camper have been my sanctuary for several years now, and now we have people coming to view/potentially buy. We have had viewings several days a week, and I am having meltdowns and shutdowns regularly as a result. I wouldn't leave this place if it weren't for the utter loss of safety we've been feeling since the beginning of the pandemic. People have been so inconsiderate of boundaries which have been set, and I just want them all to go away. At the same time, I know that I will be better for it if I just keep pushing through.

Red lights, train intersections, roundabouts, more red lights, cyclists, dithering passengers, roadworks, stops again to let more dithering passengers on...

Then I miss my next bus that doesn't come for another 2 hours. Feel like screaming "HURRY UP!! !! !!"

Then I feel like having a meltdown because my whole day is messed up, all because of (read first paragraph again).

Other people abusing meds & ODing is not my problem, & I don't care. Just give me the meds I need without the hoops. I don't get the addiction action anyway, & I only use the med occasionally by following directions. I'm tired of being controlled & policed by policies for people who do stupid things. Let their stupidity & the effects be the natural punishment & stop putting up barriers for the rest of us.

Oh, I can really relate to the frustration here. I have taken the same anxiety meds (at a low dose) for many years. I have not ONCE asked for early refills, and I typically take lower than the full dose every day. When I don't need them, I don't take them. I feel much safer having them around for those times I'm struggling with meltdowns, panic attacks, and severe insomnia. I'm prone to adverse reactions to medications, and I do not wish to change what I am taking. In recent years, I have been made to feel like an addict for taking this medication (it is a schedule IV, low risk medication, by the way). My psychiatrist recently sprung a random drug test on me. I had to ride an hour and a half (my partner drove me) to a lab to urinate in a cup when we are in a state of emergency (in terms of the pandemic) in this area.

Sometimes I really hate people. People are s**t.

They destroy the planet.
They blame the victims.
They admire sociopaths.

I mean what's not to hate about our own species?

I sometimes really wish there was no such thing as gender.

I wish gender and gender-norms wasn't a thing either but, I have to accept the reality that they exist and a society can't be built without rules and roles within them. Interestingly enough I recently heard of a place(Sweden I think?) that is very progressive as far as gender-neutrality go and yet the men and women still follow many of the universal gender-norms anyway so it's possible that these things are just part of our biology and there isn't much we can do about it(with the few people that are exceptions to the rule but that does not make a great argument against it).