Rants

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Why can I never have what I want?

My ex that I split off with (twice - do I hear threeee? Did I spend almost every waking moment up until a few weeks ago thinking about how I wouldn't blow a third chance if only I had it because I'm insane? I'll get back to you on that!) was partially because he wanted to obviously see me in person and I was just so afraid of telling my parents and grandparents. Well, they f*****g know I'm gay now, so that's not a variable.

So I'm finally able to talk to someone and hit it off for a few weeks, and he really wanted me to come up to visit him in Wisconsin over his spring break. The only issue with this is my work schedule. It was too short notice for me to be able to get in on the schedule (literally next week) and I literally just started earning vacation time last pay period. He is insistent that no other date is going to work until at least summer if it's not next week. I've already really disappointed him by telling him that I don't know if I can work it out, and I'm obviously upset too.

I have tried so hard to make this happen, and I still just might make this happen, but the solutions I have left involve me getting fired, lying out my ass about a death in the family, or possibly dodging law enforcement. And it just sucks, much like everything else that I have been strung along and forced into. How am I supposed to like my job when it's keeping me from someone I love?

I'm just so done with it all. I don't care. If I didn't have such high empathy and rejection-sensitive dysphoria I would literally just f*****g take off and tell the (City Name Here) Public Library where they could shove it. Of course my parents would be pissed and I'd probably get kicked out of the house. Whatever. I'll go lay in the road. I have no serotonin at all, this is the one thing that might actually make me happy and I'm just stuck and it's going to ruin everything yet again.

"Find someone in your own town" - beggars can't be f*****g choosers.

If there's a God, he's a real c**t.

I want to progress.

To progress, I need some space.

To have some space, I need a complete confidence that a trust won't be breached.

To have that complete confidence, means I consent and be assured that I do.

Well, now, it's ruined.

3 months is grand.

2 weeks was a bliss.

Yet a minute just ruined it all.

I know not how far back my progress went. Or if it halted.


That 2 weeks is a good total of something 20+ out of few hundreds probably from the span of timeless 20+ years time range.

As mentally and emotionally healthy as it is for me, I won't be doing my nightly confessions for a while. Not when there's an "infestation" in my head that screams this moment instead of elsewhere.

Just because out of all people, I just had to keep repeating the same things over and over until she gets the message like that one whole damned time...


At least it's not as severe last time whenever there's a breach of security -- loud accusations, thoughts of burning bridges, erasing traces of my existence, obsessing on making another ways to feel secured...
I was as good as paranoid.

Now, it's not as bad as then.
I just felt a bit... Tense on the back. My gut isn't feel well.
And coming grips to my reactions so far and written it. Instead of a full-blown rumination, it's a bit quieter this time.

Yep, it's a form of anxiety.

A very specific one, stemmed from not having enough space and privacy at home.
Sure it's not like I lived on the streets at risk of getting raped or murdered or something.
But this is still just as real.

I want to get rid of this issue myself. And move on somehow.

But I guess I would have to wait a bit longer before trying again. Too angry than afraid.

By a bit longer possibly meant past a day or less. Almost no different from me forgetting about it.

But still it just pisses me off somehow.
Because this is still a breach of privacy.

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My heater isn't working this morning. It's been sporadically cutting off at night. I wake up sometimes and it's fifty degrees in here. My solution so far has been to go and turn the power off to the thing, turn it back on, and then it kicks back on. The other day it didn't do that for me, and I was sick, cold, and not okay, so someone else had to call someone for me because I couldn't manage to make a phone call. The heater worked for two days and now...same thing. I'm cold and due to nerve damage, if I get too cold, I my body won't work right. I'm having a hard time moving around today now. I couldn't make the call to the repair place again, so sent another text asking for help. Now I wait for the repair guy to show up again. If the heater finally broke, I can't afford to replace it. Meh. Hopefully it will be an easy fix, or at least one that can be temporary, so I'll have the spring and summer to bank cash to replace the old thing. Just grr. Between being sick this week and the heater, I'm having a hard time not being an irate wreck today. I'm trying but damn. I don't like being crabby.

My mum's boyfriend is a lazy, unappreciative, obnoxious slob. His job is seasonal so for most of the year he sits on his arse doing exactly nothing except watching TV. I hate him, there's nothing likeable about him, my mum deserves better but she keeps him around. F-ck him.

Again.

What's the point of having my own space when it's not secured?!

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That damn dog.
Just that damned dog.


The living room's a dog toilet and the neighbors even smells it. The dining room's basically a dog pen. The washing machine smells like utter piss and literal sh*t. The food being cooked was basically that damned dog's. No more clean sheets and rags
to use because that stupid dog pissed it all off and my own damned mother let it.


Mom wants to spoil the damned dog.
Oh, I don't mind that.

Until it's on my way on daily basis.
Having to mind where to step and sit because of literal sh*t and vomit. Having to deal with unexpected smells. Having to be careful because it's a stupid dog.
Having to clean up after my mom cooks because of that stupid dog.

Even the electric bills are up because the damn dog needs a fan.


Can't she figured it out already from the moment I ever refused having to do with that damned dog?!

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Why do people (neighbours) just randomly start hammering?

I have a lot of anger inside me. Seeing injustices, rude and ignorant people, it has come to a boiling point. I feel so much empathy for people who have been wronged by selfish, inconsiderate a**holes.

My mom accused me of looking at her phone and taking apps off of it (why the hell would I do that?), and then insisted that I've been talking to my dad behind her back (even though I haven't been able to talk to him in private for like 2 years...) and that I hid some papers from her. I got kicked out and my phone taken when I wouldn't admit to s**t that I didn't even do, so now I'm at my aunts and using an old phone that she has. The whole situation is so f*****g stupid and I'm getting so sick of my mom being crazy.

Mean gurls.
Have they no shame?

It would have been nice if wrong planet was around during mid 2002-2003. That was a very rough year for me. However, it’s here today

1. I lived with two nasty roommates who agreed to let me sign a lease and then decided I was not a good fit for them.

A. I never disclosed my diagnosis to them. I also tried to mask but the social and emotional levels soaked through

B. One one of my roommates had not patience and would overreact to the littlest things. She was so nasty that I would either
- stay in my room when she was home
- Stay out when she was home

Of the times she would get nasty, I would cry.


2. Some extended family members over near by but stabbed me in the back by making silly assumptions about me. Therefore, I was not allowed to have a relationship with them.

3. I was not not mature enough to live on my own yet

4. I lost several jobs

5. I didn’t have any friends to be with

6. I loitered in a church which the staff was not happy about


Yes, this puts tears in my eyes but that whole situation was not the best fit for me.

I hate having to be in the car with my dad because I can never tell if he's going to be drunk or not. I just was on the most absolutely f*****g terrifying drive that I've ever been on.