You're a victim?

Post Reply New Topic

i do not feel depression per se, but sometimes i think i suffer from it.
i do not feel sad or anguished or aggrieved or morose or forlorn, i just feel like i could not care less about anything.
i have been stuck in a "spiritual" rut lately where i think i have what i want, but my level of interest in my place in the world is very deflated.

i do not actually have do do anything much to get the money i need to live. i own a business, and at first i had to get up at 5 am and do hard work until about 2pm, and i thought i hated it, and i was determined to scale the business up so as i could stay at home and hire drivers to do the physical work for me.

i especially hated getting up so early because i am a night time type of person, and going to bed so early was impossible, so i was always very cruddy in the head when i forced myself to get up, but i was much happier then than now even though i disliked the level of physical obligation i had.

by 9 am, i was wide awake and relatively happy. i was in the sunshine and it shone on my skin when i got out of the truck, and my muscles were tuned to working. it was a mindless type of job, so i was able to think of interesting things that i knew i would post later on the forum when i got home, or say to my few friends when i next spoke to them.

i had limited time to explore my interests and i put much effort into developing my ideas about them, and so i produced things i was happy with and i wanted to show them.

but when i achieved my goal of assigning the actual labor to drivers, all i had to do was ring 20 customers per day (at 5pm (it takes 15 minutes)) to see what they wanted the next day, and i entered their requirements into my system and emailed the drivers the invoices they were to print and deliver with the goods.

i was able to stay up until 6am and then flop into bed with no worries about having to wake up, and i thought it was heavenly.

but here is the problem....

i got no sun on my skin, and i woke up at 2pm every day, and i got stuck into my interests, and i oversaturated myself with stimulii, and i started to not value my free time as much, because almost all my time was free time.

i think that because i chose to stay in bed and not even open any blinds (in order to revel in my freedom from my obligation to get up), that i suffered from a sunlight deficiency and an exercise deficiency, and i think i became depleted in vitamin D.

i am getting better now because i again am going on bush walks like i used to, and i like to walk alone deep in the bushland, and sit on rocks overlooking streams and watch the animals and listen to the babbling sounds of the stream. all the while, i am getting sunlight on my skin, and i am exercising by walking where i want to go, and when i get home, i feel somewhat better.

but i still have a way to go. i still often just choose to roll over and go back to sleep instead of getting up and doing things, because at the time it seems like the better option.
but if i do get up and do things, then when the day is over, i feel much more pleasant and less like "who cares"

once, i had a very witty mind, and i enjoyed applying it, and i liked to think of witty things to post.
now i feel pressed just to make sense let alone be intriguing like i used to think i was.

once, i had a very high quality synthesizer and it felt like a real piano to play. (i play real piano's well because i got used to the way they feel from an early age). it had an excellent drum pad attachment and i used to spend days crafting what my songs would sound like.

now, (because they were stolen from my house during a robbery) i have a very cheap keyboard, and the keys feel odd, and i can not play it well because it is a cheap feeling keyboard which is too sensitive and has no sustain pedals etc). earlier in my life, i would have not tolerated my current keyboard, and i would have fixed the situation rapidly.

now i just put up with it and think "whatever", and i roll over and go back to sleep.

then i wake up and it is all the same again. i think that sunlight on my skin is a major contributor to my mental vigor, and i am starting to let the sun touch me more often now and i feel a mild improvement (it is early times yet).


anyway, the thrust behind all this gabble is that sunlight and vitamin D is very important to the production of serotonin. i know that the northern hemisphere is in a winter cycle at the moment, and strong sunlight may be hard to find.


another aspect to the feeling of robustness is the amount of iron one gets.

red meat is essential to eat a few times a week (if one does not find that morally objectionable), and if people do not want to eat red meat, then iron pills will possibly suffice, but they do not provide protein and protein deficiencies also lead to weakness and a feeling of malaise.

anyway i am sorry to have been so verbose, but i wish i could help you and i do not expect a reply because i would not know what to say further than what i have just said.

I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor.

I don't consider myself a victim, but people who are "annoyed" by victims are all horrific a**holes. And now they're all victims of my intolerance, HAHA!

I'm not bothered by you or your posts at all, just trying to show you why some people might be (which is, kinda, what you were asking in your original post).

i have a question that i have always wanted to ask someone who said that they cannot remember a time they were not depresssed. if you have never felt any better then how do you even know you are depressed? it makes no sense because you must have felt better at some time in order to have a point of reference. i believe depression creates a black mist that disconnects a person from reality and alters their perception of their own history. you really can't trust that perception.