i want to kill myself tonight

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It's not an illusion to me.....It's very real, this life.

What would give you pleasure RIGHT NOW?

I would imagine that a philosophical discussion with a pretty lass would suit you fine.

OP, here's a little thought just for today, and it is true:

Never fall into the trap of believing that the past was your only opportunity for happiness.

I've been away for a while and haven't noticed this thread before, even though it has already a lot of answers I'll support what Kraftiekortie wrote here:

Living in the edge like you are doing sir is a very, very risk situation. I know you said that you don't have the courage to kill yourself (yet) but if you just keep accumulating, living in this state of depression one day this "courage" can pop up even for a glimpse of a second and make you do something irreversible, be it killing yourself or trying to and ending up worse than before.
And the saddest part is, since most of us here are not near you, we have a very limited amount of things within our reach to do to try to help you. You are a very nice person and I would really appreciate to be your friend if I was near you, but sadly I'm not. For some reason I identify myself a lot with you, I'm not sure why. But I think that I've been through a phase that is somewhat like what you are living right now.
During my second and third semester on my university I was living the worse depression state I've ever been in my entire life. I could pass months where the only words that was coming out of my mouth were the good morning/goodbye that I needed to say at work. My life was miserable, the only person that I was kinda interested to talk to was a girl that I had met a few years ago through a gaming blog that she owned. But, well, that wasn't enough. I really wish I could say that I decided to do something that completely changed my life but I didn't. I just kept living. And you know what? My life did get better. I'm not at my best state right now but I'm way way way better than before and I think that there are other persons here who've been through similar situations and this might be where the statement "things will get better" come from.
I refuse to believe that your problem is unsolvable. I seriously can't accept this kind of line of thought for you or anyone else and what I honestly think that you need right now is someone there with you. Someone near that you can talk to about these things and get some help to try to get better.
There are a lot of good people here on WP, and it's good that you know this and always come here when you are in need of some advice, but although I do believe that this kind of support is EXTREMELY helpful, in your case specifically, I think that you need a parent or a friend near you to help you go through this.
Easier said than done, I know, but that's what I think you might be needing right now.

How about plants? Does a plant s existence depend on having a meaning to itself? Or do you feel something like an impulse to destroy a plant, and if so, is it for its having no meaning?

If plants could feel, and it was in pain, I might feel like putting it out of its misery if I couldn't figure out how to make it feel better.

That's how this is. I don't feel like killing myself solely because existence is meaningless, but because if it is, and I'm just living in pain, what reason do I have to keep enduring that? Growing up my reason for not giving up was fear of going to hell. But if existence is meaningless then there is no reason.

Just because people are having different kinds of illusions over reality, and just because things are changing, this does not mean that there is nothing. This faulty logic of yours is particularly annoying for me, since I have suffered from "legal abuse" (this lost custody for my child). Lawyers or judges or the other "experts" involved justify their lack of cognitive empathy and therefore incapacity of detecting the truth by saying: "there are many truths." ("FU bastards!").

Or to take it one step further: "What is reasonable is real/effective/at works, and what is real/effective/at work is reasonable." Hegel draws here on the literal meaning of the German word for real ("wirklich"): having an effect/be at work (from the verb "wirken").

Most of the older people here have been telling you that your pain is not going to last forever, and that it will lessen over the years. I would even venture into giving you a very high chance that your personal pain is already on a downward trend (excluding the peaks that surely will occur from time to time, to a hopefully overall lessening degree), and that you will be quite O.K. with yourself in about 20 years, because on the one hand you will manage better and better with everday s life and on the other hand your personal growth will have made you perceive suffering more in its social dimension than in its personal one, and given you a much better understanding of the causalities at work and the remedies.

Kraftkortie for example is more suffering with and for you, than he suffers from his own trouble in life, that he surely still has, you dont recognize fully how much he is afraid of you making a choice that he is happy not to have made when he was younger.

All in all it makes more sense to take concrete experiences in your life as a starting point to finding more reason in what is going on, instead of loosing yourself into some "hypochondriac" philosophical made-ups.

You said I was mean before; but I want you to keep living too.

Find better work or something. Even living homeless and just getting food from foodshelves is better than taking away your life for the sake of sadness. All that leads to is more sadness for everyone else. Please, don't kill yourself. For the last two years I had been working to pay off my wife's lawyer for when she got sued by an employer. She was so sad that she couldn't work or focus on basic things, and I felt used, but now she's gone and you have no idea how much I really do miss her. I love my wife, and she's gone. Don't take your life, please keep going forward, find something else to do or whatever you need to but keep pressing on, please.

Find some way to not be in pain and keep living. Please, no more people leaving, no more friends gone, no more dying or pain, none of that anymore already. I've had too much dealt to me throughout my short life, and yet I keep pressing on because I know that "while there's life, there's hope". My dad died when I was 13, and my mom almost 4 years ago also, and now my wife left me. What do I have to keep living for? I can't even find work right now. I love my wife and I want her back. I want Jackie to know she's loved and I want her back, but she left today. I've been worried and felt used for so long and I just wanted people to talk to, but now I see how stupid I was and I love my wife and hope she stays my wife I love her so.

Really nobody should be worried about me. I've tried before, and I guess I'm just too much of a wimp because even though I want to I can't do it. I've been trying to since I was 17. Several times at work I went up to the roof on my break and tried to jump (it was about 5 floors up with pavement at the bottom, so maybe it was a good thing I didn't, because that would probably not have killed me, definitely not quickly; though at the time I wasn't thinking about that). But I'm already really afraid of heights anyway so that didn't work at all. And even though I know exactly what would work now, and could easily acquire the materials for it, I still can't.

I guess I'm just stuck here whining about how crappy my life is.

You have to make it better. And it can be done.

Hey, everyone needs to whine sometime, it's better than keeping the thoughts to yourself for years only to let them eat you away. If it helps you to complain, complain. Just keep living and make it through all the emotions.

One could whine---but one should try to alleviate what's causing them to whine.

Sorry for being so flippant.

Seriously, Mr. Holmes, I see "a light at the end of the tunnel" for you.

You are a smart guy. You have a philosophical orientation. All this is ripe for you to acquire substantive friendships. You are not a kid any more. All your future friends will not be kids. Forget the kid mentality--not applicable any more when it comes to friendships.

I'm a smart guy, too--but not of a philosophical orientation. This is caused me to see "boring" to some people.

But....hey, I'm still living. I acquire pleasures for myself, in my own way. I do it morally. I do okay.

You will, too....once you stop letting your past impact your present (while not denying your past).

On a lighter note: How's your kitty cat doing?

My best friend when I was a teenager was a Persian named Zum Zum.