Girlfriend barred from entering US :(

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I think people in the US underestimate how aggressive their armed forces/police/customs officers and the like come across to people from other countries. I guess it's just the sort of machismo that pops up in frontier cultures, but in more established cultures it looks more like trying to provoke a fight.

Also, if your girlfriend's parents are westernized, they might be more familiar with Europe and Europeans, and see the US as something similar......and some aspects of it are, and some are not. It boggles the mind sometimes. Now we understand each other, now we don't.

My husband is a white, Christian, native English speaker from a first-world country. It doesn't matter; if you're not American you get the "dirty foreigner" treatment.

Yes to this. Americans in general are more forthright and speak more plainly, which can come across as rude and pushy. When the person talking to you that way is also in a position of power and possibly armed, the result appears (and kind of is, really) a bit fascist.

It so happens that I do not look like a criminal either! I'm white, an Englishwoman by nationality and ethnically, I have pale skin, reddish hair, I'm a short woman, I was dressed at the time very normally and respectably, I was an ordinary, pretty girl, not dressed like a punk or skinhead or anything one might imagine would draw attention. I was just a nice ordinary white British girl in my twenties. I was also "the sweetest most innocent person you will ever meet" too.

I may come across harshly here on WP today at the age of 54, but I'm not a piece of rough trade, or look like someone menacing. I'm still just an ordinary, respectable woman with an ordinary appearance, and when I was a girl when this happened to me I was most definitely just an ordinary, sweet, quiet girl, and looked like one.

I don't and never did do drugs or look like I do, drink excessively nor look like I do; there was NOTHING about me that looked shady or like they needed to pull me over. But they pulled me over. In my case the shortness of my visit out of the US (my mother's funeral) then returning, didn't seem regular to them. That's all that had to happen for them to do the Little Room thing to me.

I'm also physically, visible white and of course they knew by my passport that I'm British -- back at the time a country of the least threat to them. (Nowadays there are British born terrorists so that's changed).

This is testament to how very zealous the US system is. You don't have to look like anything you'd imagine you have to look like to be questioned. Even things like resident status instead of full citizen, unclear purpose for a very brief leaving and returning --- all of this is to show you that these people mean business in such a strong arm way that nobody is "sweet and innocent" to them.

Bottom line:

Your girlfriend got flagged-up because they are simply cautious about ANYONE coming for a long stay on a tourist visa who then reveals the stay is with a boyfriend. That is only of concern to them because people to tend to try to sneak a marriage past the Powers That Be that way, and marriage has to go through Immigration processes. People also "overstay" if there is a love interest.

It's something they already have a problem with, and something that is already abused by people.

It's not personal.

Your girlfriend is one of probably literally thousands or even millions of non-US visitors who have been messed around with at the US border.

It's not personal, it's because there are myriad ways in which rules have been abused and so the net result is they have to be overly cautious about everything and everyone.

They have some things that "flag" a person and that's all it takes.

In the case of your girlfriend one thing she DID do that is one of their red flags is to initially cover up her reason for her visit, then later in the grilling admit she was visiting her boyfriend.

For a long history of reasons, this is one of their no-nos.

Last edited by BirdInFlight on 22 Jun 2016, 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yea. She looks Greek. I think she is mostly Greek genetically.

Me too on YippySkippy's husbands traits -- I too was a white, Christian native English speaker from a first-world country and they treated me like "a dirty foreigner." When you think how they treat a British person (a white, Christian ally nation and even the nation that originated much of their own early settlers) like a dirty foreigner, imagine how closely everyone else is going to be examined. Seriously, Lady Mary from Downton Abbey would be given the treatment too if they thought she was trying break rules.

As far as we know, going to visit a boyfriend isn't breaking any rules. It seems like it's a rule Customs made up without telling anyone because they want to keep people from marrying.

In any case, she now refuses to come to the US period. She wants me to immigrate to Turkey and live with her there forever. She says she won't change her mind. She doesn't like the US anymore. I'm f****d. I don't know if I can live in Turkey. If I promise her I can live there indefinitely I feel like I'll be lying to her. The truth is I don't know. She isn't being rational anymore. If she just said it was that she didn't want to leave her family I would understand. It's not that. She says she won't come to the US. So the custom's f***s just f****d up our life. If feel like going to their house and spraying my f*****g brains on their door. I think they need to know they are hired to ruin peoples lives. That's what they're paid to do. Make people kill themselves. They need to know.

Oh Marshall, that's awful! I can see your side and hers, and either way you look at it is awful! I don't know what else to say. You must be heartbroken. Hugs.

I find that it would be interesting to live in Turkey.

But I still wouldn't advise you emigrating there. I probably wouldn't emigrate there myself.

I'm really sorry to hear that she feels this way now. I can totally relate to her feeling shocked and humiliated by her treatment at US customs. I felt that way too at the time. Even though I see why Immigration has to be so exacting and suspicious about everyone's motives -- and yes they totally are trying to dissuade US-to-alien marriages even though strictly speaking the law allows for them when done the right way -- I also agree with you that this stuff can and does ruin lives and relationships.

A lot of couples muddle their way through this stuff; there were many success stories on the website I used to visit. But many people find it has complicated things too much for them and put off partners. Unfortunately that's kind of sneakily what the government wants to happen. They make it hard, unpleasant, expensive and a PITA.

Try to stay calm right now and slow down in deciding what's next. Your girlfriend feels this way now but things might settle down as time goes by. At the moment she's still angry and hurt, and so are you.

Think very carefully about moving to Turkey -- or anywhere; I would say this about anywhere. It's HUGE to relocate to a completely different country. It's huge enough when there's a shared language and a similar culture. It will be an even bigger adjustment with a new language to learn if you want to get by, and a culture that, even though Westernized in large part, will still be very different to experience.

It's not that experiencing living in another country is a bad thing per se; it's not, it's a very interesting and expanding thing.

But nobody should undertake it lightly; it can be a culture shock even with the best intentions. There can be feelings of loneliness and isolation even if you have your partner and their family. She would equally be in for that in the US too if that were to happen. It's a big step no matter who winds up in whose country.

Right now just take your time with everything. Consult an immigration lawyer about all aspects. This only just happened recently and you both need time to come down from the sense of injustice and figure out your next moves when you feel more removed from what happened.

What BirdInFlight said.. Don't give up just yet. People need time to process emotions. Go see her.

She is being more reasonable now, but she still wants me to marry in Turkey and stay with her. I told her I can't promise I will stay, but I will try. She is willing to apply for a k3 after we marry so she can come to the US. I'm still confused over how long the k3 will take. I hope she can get another visitors visa in the mean time just to visit. She'll probably be afraid though. I hope there is a way to get a visit pre-approved so she doesn't have to go through s**t at the airport and risk wasting money on a flight again.

I guess I will be moving to Turkey. I'm nervous of course.

Bump...

She is insisting I move to Turkey permanently again. I asked if she would ever move to the US and she said no. I don't think I can agree to stay with her indefinitely in Turkey. I told her this and she said she couldn't talk to me anymore. I'm broken again. I can't deal with this. When she first contacted me her idea was to move to the US. Now she won't and isn't budging. I'm worried her family is going to convince her to give up on me. They don't want her to ever leave. The problem is it is easier for her to live in the US than it is for me to live in Turkey. I feel like I will be totally dependent on her in Turkey. I can't get close to her parents because they don't speak English. Learning Turkish is overwhelming for me. I don't think I'm that great at learning languages.

There is no one else in this world compatible with me like she is. Now she isn't talking with me again. I'm just feeling worse and worse. The anxiety is so bad I feel like it's destroying my body. I feel like I'm dying.

It's probably not a good idea to move to Turkey.

She would have a better shot at getting a job in the US than you would getting a job in Turkey. You would be dependent upon her and her family for sustenance. And they would resent you for being dependent.

I hope she comes to her senses soon.

If you're not doing anything better than I'd say **** it move to Turkey. The country is not a great place right now but
YOLO?