I wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself in the head

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Now that I think about it, I actually felt the best when I weighed more and exercised more.

I felt more emotionally resilient close to the top of my healthy range when I ate and burned a lot of calories. Exercising more helped on its own, as does eating more, but I think I went through my longest period of not trying to work out how to plan my own death when I spent a lot of time eating and a lot of time on an elliptical trainer. I also had a good experience with a Nia class. I was sometimes the only male there in the little classroom at the gym dancing around, but it delivered for me combining exercise and emotional release.

I totally agree with you.

My issues are with depression (which occurred due to a lack of understanding of autism when I was growing up.) People with autism are totally capable of living fulfilling lives like anyone else. I'm just an old girl whose been kicked around a lot.


That comes down to each person and their character.

I used to think the advice to exercise to alleviate depression and anxiety was a load of hippie baloney. I thought the argument was that exercise is fun or makes you feel you've accomplished something, but that's not it at all. It's actually all about the chemicals the body produces and uses during the act. It works for me, even though I don't particularly like the process of exercising itself.

Me, too.

Well it is clear we have grown up in different environments after all which impacted allot.

Do you have any support group out of interest?

I kind of understand what you are saying about each person and their character. But also I mean come on you are clearly quite assertive and to a level passionate in your beliefs why don't you show a bit more of that.

Shahunshah makes an interesting point about autism and assisted suicide. We're not irrational like people with other issues. We're irrational in our persistence, our focus, or our choices, but we tend to reason it out well. It's fairly well-reasoned stupidity day and night in some of the forums around here, for example.

There's something about the desperate nature of suicide that bothers me. I mean, just talking about it with anyone other than a suicide hotline feels a little risky. I may broach the subject in order to talk something out, but I tend to soften my attitude with my counselor unless I feel really desperate. It seems good to rob it of its mystique, and it might help families appreciate the difficult choice people sometimes make.

Putting it in the context of medically-assisted suicide does change my whole perspective. Life can be unbearable for all kinds of reasons. If people had an orderly option, they would go through some hassles like talking with a few people rather than buying a gun or whatever.

This issue needs an advocate.

anne, hi. we haven't talked much, but i know you have or had a lover. won't they feel bad about your passing?

winston churchill spoke at a home for orphan boys. he just repeated over and over, "don't give up." the best shrink i ever had told me something that has served me well: life is about giving yourself the best possible chance over and over. sooner or later, something will go right. i had little idea how to do what he suggested, but i learned a lot of practical wisdom from some twelve-step groups.

my autism caused me to lose a profession i studied 11 years for. i wanted to die. fast forward twenty years and dozens of ignored job applications. now i'm happily married and in school for something new. before that, i was psychotic often. i got tired of being terrified out of my mind. i took a bottle full of my pills. i got a long sleep and awoke feeling better. i haven't been psychotic in 21 years. if i had succeeded at killing myself, i would have missed out on my interesting but stable current life. i hope i have helped other people along the way.

i don't believe in an afterlife. if you do go through with your plans, you will likely get your wish of oblivion. or if there is a heaven, everyone goes there. a loving god could do nothing else.

i don't know all the details of why you are feeling so desperate. could be much worse than anything i have ever imagined. a kindergarten teacher with her students on a train to a nazi concentration camp fed all the kids and herself cyanide. i can understand suicide in such a situation. or assisted suicide for a terminal patient who has nothing to look forward to but pain. i just hate the possibility that you could be giving yourself a permanent solution for a temporary problem. i also hate that you are blaming yourself. from what i've read of your posts, you are an articulate, reasonable person. relationships are two-way streets. when things don't work, it's rarely just one person's fault.

Are you referring to being proactive in my community? I was thinking of writing something for a magazine in Canada. They published a letter I wrote.


I've been far more desperate. I don't know. Life just seems like such a bait and switch. All through school they tell you how important you are, while at the same time keeping you in a combative environment that forces conformity. Everything has been a lie since then.

That as well as the fact you wrote passionately arguing for abortion rights on the other thread.

I regards to the magazine, do what you feel will make you better but if you you have decide to do it please don't waste time it is a terrible feeling.

I'm not sure I understand this post. Are you saying that you can't spend a few days doing something you enjoy? Are you saying that you don't enjoy the things you used to? Both? Neither?

As for philosophical arguments, while I have no issue with the assistive dying bill as written, saying that suicide is a rational option for those who are not dying, that's another issue. Honestly, it's such an overwhelmingly complex and emotional issue that I don't know where to start. It's a little like how people are afraid to execute the death penalty because they might kill an innocent person. Way, way more likely is a suicide of a person who actually had options they were too depressed to see, or in the case of a non-fatal physical illness, unexplored treatments. To sanction suicide, any suicide, is like giving up on someone, so that's very dangerous and very scary. We already give up on too many people in this world in different ways. I would hate to see some law that would abandon more people.

there's a new therapy for depression that's as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy. it involves doing the things you've enjoyed before. eventually, you begin to enjoy them again.

Yea for me I did not particularly find cognitive behavioural therapy good so this could be a good alternative therapy.

What little things give you pleasure in life? Food? Sweets? Buying yourself cheap little things, like cheap jewellry or maybe stuff in the sale? What sort of films do you enjoy? Favourite colours? Textures?

Nice to hear from you. He's still around, but we are more distant ... still though I know I can call him if I need to. And yes, he would be upset by it.


Change is a constant.


I am blaming myself. I hadn't thought of it that way.


Thank you.


Both.


That's kinda how I felt for that day when it was legal.

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Like a jump start. Makes sense.

I like the textures of fabric, smudge. When the lady in my Mom's building died a month back her relatives gave me two of her sewing machines. I would like to learn to use them so that I can make a quilt. I like the picture quilts the fabric artists do.

Wish you the best ann.

I agree with DataB4 in that suicidal thinking a different issue that is very complex.

I do think you do need a respite and also maybe you could do with meeting other people like yourself, people on the spectrum, people who suffer from depression. There must be some nr. you. I'm happy to help in anyway I can.

Yes I am coming from this from two directions. One, my desire to escape suffering and, two, questions about my value to society. The Canadian Bill really confused me for that day when the suicidally depressed met the criteria for assisted suicide.
But I am thinking less about "the gun" now. My new job is a factor and a huge stress, but I am trying to step back from it and take the reins again. What Yippy said about not knowing that I will never be able to feel okay sticks with me.

I'm sad to hear that you are suffering so much. I don't agree with the shame society puts on those wanting to end their life to escape suffering. I don't really see suicide as anything more complicated than that, a need to escape some kind of torment. I've felt this way many times, beyond the point of merely not seeing live as something worth living. I've been to the point where all I can think about is how to escape the pain. I can't pass judgement.

When I felt suicidal I didn't want to hear people tell me that they want me to live. I wanted to hear that they don't want me to suffer. So I'll just say I hope you feel better soon and don't have to continue to feel this way. That's really all I can say.