I'm such a f**k up

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August! All that uncirtainty doesn't help anything or anyone

A conditional discharge is extremely unlikely, especially as a I pleaded guilty. The most likely outcome is a Community Payback Order. Prison is a possibility.

My sentence was deferred to give me a chance to get more help for my mental health (as it played a direct factor in the offence) and show that I was of good character and wouldn't get into more trouble (which is why I was so worried about the police involvement in a couple of weeks ago) thus hopefully justifying a non-custodial sentence.

I am thankful to have been given the chance and not just locked up, as could easily have been the case (my support worker who was in court when I was there after my remand said it seemed like 50/50 from what the Sheriff said). But I agree, in many ways the uncertainty certainly isn't helpful!



I'm not in full service UC area, and am on income-related ESA and PIP rather than UC. The last few months I received some help with my mortgage interest, but the way that is done is changing as of this month in a way I didn't like so I had decided to try to manage without the help. If being a part-time student affects my ESA, then I wouldn't qualify for help with my mortgage interest anyway. I did find some helpful information online about students & benefits and it really depends on how part-time I am.... so I need to be careful of the course I choose.

I had a good meeting with the CJSW today, who said this was the first time I had said anything even vaguely positive in the 2 months I've been seeing her - and she was very positive about the idea of me doing something at college and is going to try to help me make that a reality.

I have a day with nothing on tomorrow so I'm going to compose an email to the student advice centre at the local college to find out about courses I'm interested in, finances and support they have available for disabled students.



I'm not sure. It's between choosing a course that could potentially help me into a new career (possibly business studies/admin) or doing something simply because I'm interested in it (languages or science perhaps - probably science as I'm quite adept at teaching myself languages when I want to learn them). I took some advice from a former colleague of mine who used to be head of student support at the Uni where I worked, and consequently has a lot of experiences guiding students which difficulties similar to mine, and she thinks I'd feel less pressure - and therefore be more likely to succeed on the course - if I don't do it with the idea of it fitting a particular job. I do need to succeed - I can't add another failure to my already f*cked up life - so with her advice on board I'm leaning more towards sciences.

I would be a terrible counsellor - and no one has ever suggested it!

The reason why I said you might make a decent counselor is because you been through what other people who get counseled have been through. You would have "street cred," so to speak.

By the way, I'm not speaking as an expert. It's quite possible you already know what I've stated above.

Many times, in the US, they prefer hiring ex drug-addicts to be counselors in residential drug treatment places. Most of these people have criminal records, sometimes felony records (what you would call "indictable offences.")

In actuality, I can sense that you're in a quagmire-ish sort of situation. But you're not in an impossible situation, by any means.

I apologize if I appear to be one giving "platitudes." I hope I don't come off that way.

I am fortunate to be an "outside observer," so I can be relatively objective when it comes to your situation. It would be impossible for you, yourself, to be objective, since this is affecting you personally.

This is why we have therapists. It's not because you can't help yourself. It's because therapists are relatively objective observers. Having assistance is no reflection on your ability to help yourself.

I wonder if there's an advocate you can go to who might be able to help you get that discharge? Are you going to be allowed character witnesses or anything? Somebody who can speak on your behalf aside from an attorney?

Just stopping by to see how you are doing, YellowBananna. Haven't heard from you in awhile.

It's called a Chinese Yellow Banana Plant.

Not meaning as pressure, but would you mind checking in with us, YellowBanana?

Just checking in.

Been struggling quite a lot and not had much to say.

I did email the college on Wednesday and they wrote back asking about my availability for a face-to-face guidance meeting, which I responded to but am still waiting for them to get back to me with a date and time for the meeting.

Also had to face two consequences of my conviction - my home insurer refused to renew my insurance so I had to quickly find a company who would insure me (at a vastly inflated cost of course), and also received a letter saying that my case had been put forward to the Scottish ministers for consideration in the list of people who are not allowed to do regulated work with protected adults - if that happens it will be illegal for me to do my former job or a similar one. I already knew I'd be unlikely to get work in that area with my conviction, but for it to be illegal - that feels harsh.

My GP changed my prescription so I now have to go to the pharmacy every day to take my meds under supervision. I get that she is trying to keep me safe and make sure I take my meds properly but it's a right pain having to go down there every morning!

So yeah, not feeling too positive at the moment. But still here.

Thanks for posting.

Every day, that is a pain. I hope the pharmacist is nice.

Good luck with the collage. I'm actually surprised they got back to you as quick as they did. It's been a long time since I dealt with a collage but they were the most incompetent people, has that all changed? I used to get the train, arrive, and be told the course was cancelled for the day, it never occurred to them to let people know.

I'm not even starting on insurance companies because I'll end up ranting.

I’m sorry for the struggles, YellowBannana. You’re sort of in this waiting state and it’s placing your life on hold. I hope you hear from that college soon. It sounds like a good opportunity!

Hi YellowBanana! Sorry I haven't been here a few days, I've been wrapping stuff up concerning completing my schoolwork, etc. I'm just checking in and wondering how your doing. Even if just a brief note, we'd love to know how things are going.

I've had a mixed week.

I've not been sleeping well because I keep having nightmares about going back to prison. I spoke to the CJSW about it yesterday, and she assured me there would be no way she would recommend a custodial sentence for me when she prepares her report for the court in August. I know the court is supposed to take her report into account, but I can't get it out of my head that in the end the outcome is up to how the Sheriff feels on the day and that could mean prison. My support workers are trying to help by telling me I'm worrying about it way too far in advance and it's a long time until August, and I recognise I can't go on like this until August, but it doesn't help me stop the thoughts which are playing into my suicidal ideation.

On the slightly more positive side, I've finally reached the top of the waiting list for a self-harm service that I've been on the list for for over a year and have my first session with them on Tuesday. I have been self harming a lot recently so it is good timing. I am feeling very very anxious about it though.

I know it’s hard to wait all of the way until August. I also know that, while it’s almost unheard of that you’d see jail time with a recommendation against it, I’d still worry if I were in your shoes. Are you able to get involved in this college you’ve been looking into? To keep yourself occupied? It’s hard to wait when you don’t have something productive to focus on.

What does this self-harm program do for you? Do you think it can help?

Unfortunately the next lot of courses at the college don't start until August/September so I can't get involved there. I have my supported work placement on a Tuesday morning and may be able to pick up another shift (I was doing 2 shifts before I went to prison on remand). My support workers are trying to get me out and about when they come, especially as the weather has improved now.

The self harm service provides one-to-one recovery focused support, I don't know much more about it than that but the psychiatrist and CJSW both believe it will be really good for me. I had 4 years psychotherapy and it never got to the bottom of or helped my self harm, so hopefully this more focused support will.

I feel so low tonight. I have so f****d up my life. I'm trying to look to a possible future by investigating college, but the reality is I have no future. My parents are taking me on holiday in a couple of weeks time and I'm trying to get as far as that, but tonight it has been really difficult to fight the suicidal thoughts. I'm trying so hard not to act on them for the sake of my parents but I can't stop crying and I'm having urges to do myself some serious damage. I'm going to try to get some sleep and hope I feel better in the morning but I reckon sleep will be hard to come by.

I've not read the whole thread, it feels kinda like intruding, but I get the gist and I'm sorry for the sh*t you've been going through. I don't think there's much to say except there are people who care about you even if we've never met you; I certainly don't want you to hurt yourself.