Panic attacks.

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Hmph :/ last night was 5ish hours of madness punctuated by sleep.

This time I shant skimp on the herbs.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

i see u guys have had a productive time here. my chip. u know, some people dont get diagnosed when they should've. not got a good shrink, not got any shrink, no system is perfect. lets just say i've collected nearly all popular ptsd chips, and also have them nicely buttered with a cptsd quip i have from early childhood and on (identity denial and gaslighting by family), but i cant stand just well, typing them and sending them, and seing them in the open hanging for everybody to find. some of it is mentioned throughout the forum, but full list in 1 place is something i cant wont manage. yes, asking is not just rude, its hazardous. u can provoke flashbacks just by that. and yes, attention whores use the obscurity we have to go with, for their own entertaintment, and i want to hit that so hard they wont know where to f*****g land. but well. ofc we are different, for me, best thing a stranger can do is just well, keep it at casual talk level. no digging. i want to get thru an encounter without having to out my issues (mentioning which, ya aspergerian cptsd that also has a focus on autistic identity, at that). just typing out every f*****g reason i am f****d up, in list form, would take the same amount of text i've written by now. i dont believe there is a shrink, that can help me. last one i've seen didnt even bother, and they are quite revered. ptsd avoidant behaviour, i want to ghost it all and just do something else as much as i can. Isabella here is braver than i am. typing it out is a horror of its own, and she managed. respect. i cant. so back to question, how to treat a person who claims ptsd? take it seriously. better if u accidently feed an attention whore, than if u f**k up with a real thing. if u are told to NOT use certain words, dont use them. period. watch out for avoidant behaviour and comply. (such as, ur visavi avoids certain weather pattern. cant stand a certain smell. etc.). i have quite a few lexic triggers myself. common stuff. f**k me, ya. people dont understand, dont want to comply and then get "feelings hurt" when i give them hell for it. "i will say what i want, who the damn are u to tell me how to talk", ya. they want me to get by my avoidant behaviour on a certain trigger, because that would be accomodating for them. and they call it my "preference" (against their "need", ya). and they keep pressing it, they think they are being f*****g diplomatic xD sorry, im such a mess, and making a mess of a post, and cant properly structure it. will be a hell to read, im sorry. so also there is an issue, when ptsd MAKES one an attention whore of sorts. when one of ur biggest triggers is being left alone, in silence. so how do u distinguish that? no damn way from the outside. be better safe than sorry. because when u are dealing with a seriously f****d up person, u can hurt and harm us with pretty much innocent stuff. s**t a normal, sane human wouldnt even notice. am i repeating myself? sorry.

i had written a lot of posts about it. about the need to teach toddlers how to deal with at least a healthy aspergerian, if nothing else (harder stuff can be added later). but thats not gonna happen. and i never wrote u'd hurt anybody intentionally, but accidently happens more often than not. i am perfectly aware how f****d up i am, so i basically assume people didnt want to hurt me. i try to explain and educate them when i can. and my rage is on about people, who dont listen. or pretend to listen, promice they wouldnt do THAT again (such as using a certain lexic trigger), and then doing exactly THAT. (such as. being refused conversation, they'd say "im still in love with u (EWWWW, its a guy (presumably) i'd known for a week), but (LEXIC TRIGGER)". knowing that would hurt me. all info is out in the open, they could google it for f**k's sake. they pose as friendly persons, they think they are nice. they "grant" me denotions like "cute", "funny" etc. im not f*****g cute, im not f*****g funny. and then i start avoiding ppl i dont know, bc i never know where another landmine is hidden. ya, some really do - no, not understand (bc they honestly admit they cant understand an aspergerian with cptsd if nothing else) - they do listen, they do their best to keep me safe when they are around. they cant understand me, but they understand that. and they understand, that my own comprehension of them is also quite incomplete (having never been NT in my life). we enjoy our differences, and then even more we enjoy things we share despite all differences. then ofc i have ND friends. that one is well, hard. mess can compound. a borderline/bipolar can flip. hard. hits like a truck. when i am in my "normal" state, i can help them thru it. but sometimes i cant, and losing a treasured person just because both of us had happened to be in a bad shape... well. another notch on my list of trauma. last one happened like 2 weeks ago and i still cant let it go.

for f**k's sake, i should stop this. this thread isnt meant for me rambling about my relationships... sorry, cberg.

I had a pretty severe panic attack today (see the "Got Anything Random to Say" thread). It's been eight hours and I still can't calm myself despite taking anti-seizure meds and sleeping for nearly three hours -- including a graphic nightmare. It's deep breathing time. I'm so sorry you still have panic attacks too, cberg, and that we are sometimes off topic on this thread, but I find it very therapeutic and I hope you do too. It's helpful to know there's a place to vent.

8 hours? now, that is intense. thogh longest round i've been on lasted 2 months, but generally it ends in 2-3 hours (though with active support of capable people). tried to have a sleep, didnt work. am up. by now mere fact of one of them being online makes it easier. animals can well, be nice to stroke and hug, but they wont understand why u need hugs. no offence to ur relationship with ur dog. glad it works for u. wouldnt work for anybody, though. so offtops are good? well i am queen of offtop xD a tribute to multystream thought process, ya xD (or maybe i just am so disorganised?) as to venting, well, i cant rly, not here. not in the open. im trying to keep it to a minimum. hense all the times i had slipped and payed the price. im f*****g incoherent here and probably not delivering the point. im sorry. im trying to say i relate, and also i admire u for managing to say things.

I'm not really concerned where my thread leads, the more crazy nonsense we can get out of our systems in here the better. I might not have the attention span for it but that was kind of my point in the first place.

I guess I'm doing better today than I was yesterday. I'll be back sooner or later.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

i'm crazy and i know it xD if u take that away, what is gonna stay?
for serious, good to know u are recovering or at least reprieving. i mean it.
(tho i usually mean what i write)

I momentarily went nuts again today mostly because I felt indisposed. I suppose it's good to be at peace with being bonkers; I find good music that way.

Anyway here's some psychedelic trance I'm chilling out with.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

My whole day was one big impulsive caffeine buzz.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

well there is a special emm... mindbreaker... in managing ur own system's balance with combination of autism and ptsd. getting triggered essentially causes an instant meltdown. then, being understimulated can cause some triggers to fire, and overstimulated = some other triggers go off (depending on type of stimulus. sometimes they dont). then when u get from under that rabble, u gotta piece all the breakage togather, ya. maybe its just me. dunno how often a meltdown happens to average autist. i can have several per day if im not lucky, all of them keyed up by ptsd. then there is a moment when the "normal" meltdown just leaves my "normal" defences f****d up, which in turn causes ptsd to manifest if it had not earlier (OR ACTUALLY, if it had, even more). do any of u (cberg, isabella) have that ourborous s**t or is it just me?

I think this process definitely feeds itself but I still don't know why. I'm going to have to sleep on that one, I'm just awake because it takes an hour for me to relax enough to sleep at all.

I'm in a good spot in relative terms.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I am in ASD shutdown mode far more often than ASD meltdown mode. I shut down nearly every time I leave my house or if someone comes to visit my house (even if I'm expecting them). When I shut down it's like my body goes on autopilot in order to provide me with basic functions, but most of my sensory processing is ineffective. I don't see, hear, sense or remember things properly. Sensations can be over or underrepresented, but mostly overrepresented. I become very edgy and startle easily or become very impatient with my surroundings. Shutting down allows me to filter out almost all of the extraneous and just 'stay alive'.

ASD meltdowns are relatively rare for me but when they happen they're severe. I only have a few per year because I'm reclusive and my environment is pretty much static from day to day. There's nothing to 'trigger' me most of the time. Most of my meltdowns have been from being around other people too long (e.g., forced gatherings), general stress (e.g., being rushed), or sensory processing (e.g., smelling something like perfume, or having too much stimulation for too long). My meltdowns can be extremely intense when they do happen.

PTSD meltdowns are entirely different as you know. They are triggered by auditory, emotional or visceral flashbacks or any feeling of helplessness, hopelessness or shame. Those can happen without warning. They aren't as noisy or demonstrative as my ASD meltdowns. I become much more introverted and self-loathing. I've been in recovery for ten years and at this point they happen perhaps once a day. Again, I'm living in a very controlled environment. If I had to work or be back in school ... well I can't even finish that sentence. I'd be dead in either case because I wouldn't be able to tolerate the unpredictable.

an hour, cberg? i'd say thats quite fast (and i dont mean to devalue ur problems).
as to "autistic" meltdown vs "ptsd" meltdown, i do not make such division. my meltdowns come in several varieties, but they mostly depend on the state of my system before the meltdown. autistic and ptsd components work essentially togather. possibly, because my cptsd had been building from early child age, basing on me being aspergerian, at that, with additional adult trauma cases. so basically is part of my identity. and ya i only started making ends of that s**t quite recently, having not been aware of it before. guess the amount of trauma had reached critical thershold, while before my mind had been just locking out some events for years and decades. so it all came back to me in a flash...
sorry, i am derailing the thread again... what an attention whore xD

I'm losing my mind. I can't tell how much time I'm about to spend alone but it's probably a lot.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

oh f**k. rule number 1, if something weird happens never be alone. never. be connected to a chat if u dont have another option. dont f*****g be alone when on a turn!