Getting used to depression?

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It is a positive that you are self aware enough to recognise a possible cycle.
I'm not quite low myself, but I was close to it and pulled back on a few fronts to try balance out the overspend of spoons.
You've made such progress, trust that it will continue after you rest for a while... you might not feel like it, but I believe you got this.

Thanks.
You're probably right. There is progress... but still too little to be a sustainable mother.

Perhaps you set the bar too high Magz. You are who and how you are, beautifully human.

One gift you can give to your children is a model of honest self acceptance, quite powerful and within your resources to gift. Difficult, yes, but self care often is the more challenging approach.

I imagine my potential, had I grown up with that mindset as the default.

How can I lower the bar?
I don't work. My house is a mess. I don't do the groceries because I get too overwhelmed in shops. I hardly cook. And things need to be done, if I don't do something, someone else has to.
I hate being weak.

Has my response upset you?

No, it didn't upset me.
I somehow think this is true I set up the bar for myself too high but I don't know how to lower it without harming others.
It's a hard puzzle to tell what to give up and where to persist.

Thanks, I wanted to check, its hard to know sometimes.
When depression takes hold of me its insidious voice goes to work on manipulating my self image and I loathe it for that.

I can share some of the things I do to lower the bar...
I have 2 standards for myself, one for when I have a bout of depression/can feel it approaching and the other for when I'm relatively well.

I take a box ticking approach, ... is it technically done?
shopping=online with delivery/collection at a quiet time.
Or I do it in person at quiet times.

Cooking= nutrition, meals as basic as possible, ideally one pot with as many shop bought pre prepared ingredients.
Ready meals if things are desperate.

Cleaning= Declutter/recycle unnecessary items, more storage, everything has a home/place it should be.
In situations where the clutter itself is making me feel worse, everything that doesnt belonging a room goes into a laundry basket and as I'm ready or well enough it I sort it.

Anything I achieve when I'm in a low mood deserves my recognition for the effort it entailed.
It's part of changing my harsh self talk to something gentler.

My husband cooks.
He's a cuisine artist while I just need not to starve.
So he goes shopping for fancy food, and regular food too, as he goes to the store anyway.
The mess is hard to control because there are four people making it and less than one cleaning it.

The kids drain me. The Aspie one (yes, she's officially diagnosed now!) has a lot of problems with school - emotional, social, she refuses to work, she has some learning difficulties, I suspect dyslexia, but she's big on Math and computers - and I try to solve them one by one but they proliferate. The other one - let's call her NT, though she might be a high-functioning ADHD - needs a lot of interaction and stimulation which exceeds coping capacities of all the rest of the family.

Now I've just argued with my husband: he wants to limit screen time for the kids. He gets obsessively and randomly controlling when stressed. But limiting screen time for kids means they would hang on me the whole remaining time.

My brain hurts just trying to imagine how I would cope in your shoes...

What's causing your husband to stress and what can you do to help him?

Can you both teach the children practical life skills, aka cleaning up after themselves, placing the mess in one area of the room, learning cause and effect, taking responsibility for their actions...
Of course for a bribe/trade off of screen time?
It wont pay dividends for quite some time I imagine, as it takes practice, but it should alter the responsibility being placed on you.
Do you have a dishwasher?

The main stresses of my husband are parenting and... tadam, my depression!
He freaks out when I'm below the line. Becomes randomly agressive and controling "to protect me", which obviously makes things worse. Yeah, his emotional intelligence is not his strength, to put it mildly. And he's scared of therapists, which particuarily frustrates me, because I can't make him go to some assertiveness training or something.

I use screen time to make my Aspie daughter do her homework but after she's done, I don't want to limit it. She needs to relax, too. Also, I need cartoons for the younger one to keep her quiet enough when the older is doing homework, otherwise she's disruptive beyond our coping abilities.

Yes, we have a dishwasher. Washing up is not a problem.

I hope my questions and suggestions are not too much, for me this is like brainstorming without emotional attachment to either. Just thoughts.

Is it possible to get someone in to do household chores, like the laundry, ironing, general tidy up?

This could give you more time to decompress and be more resourced for the parenting?

Do you have a garden and could you put a trampoline in it? Would this work as a release for your youngests high energy, to take the edge off (not as a solution though).
Are there any music/movement video games she could play?

I'm trying to think of things that dont involve leaving the house and the hassles that brings.

I found that an adhd (inattentive sub type) relation of mine that I worked with responded well to outlets for her high energy as a child.

I dont know what to say about your husbands reaction, on this front many men are truly a mystery to me. Very open honest communication has been key for me in my current relationship.

^
Some really good suggestions there, I would back up finding a physical activity for the younger one, maybe enrolling her in a sport or something similar? Or get her one of those dancing games. This kind of thing seems to work pretty well in my experience with ADD people as well.

Something else: can you sit your husband down when you're both calm and not too tired and explain some of these things to him? Or write him an email if it's easier? As a guy, I can tell you we tend to freak out when someone we love is struggling and we cannot help. He might feel better if you ask him directly what things to do and what not to do. If he feels he's doing things to help, he might give up the type of initiatives that mess things up further.

Do the two of you get any quality time together? Can you have a relative or hire someone to stay with the kids once a month and go do something you both enjoy without having to worry about the kids?

It's extremely hard to organize things right now.
It is very hard for me in general but under the bar it becomes impossible.
The younger kid has some extra classes including sports and dancing.

I think we need some backup routine: what the whole family does when I'm sick or I drop below the bar. Rehearsed roles just for such a case.
It's just an idea of the moment and my mind is foggy but maybe we could come to something later?

don't be depressed