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In which people from where I live doesn't like me to go out alone at night in fear of rapists...


I get the well meaning warnings but...

... It's just giving me a chance or an excuse to be reasonably act violent should that happen.
I'm not stupid -- with how men are physically built, with how one acts with fear.


What they did know? I'm not a normal person. And I'm not even talking about autism.

They don't know that I'm holding back the whole time.
I don't freeze because I'm afraid. I freeze because I know I'm about to do something destructive and people around me would be affected if I let my natural fear reaction go.

I freeze never because of my self preservation -- it's to 'not make things complicated' and not escalate.

And I want to let out this destructive energy...


In my mind... No one's persuading me.
They're doing the opposite. They're giving me more reasons to go out alone and 'risk' myself.

I'm not "acting brave" or some tough person act. I just really, really want an excuse to act on violence...

It's not some power trip, revenge or heroic fantasy either.
No, I just want an actual excuse to physically hurt someone, legalities and reasons be damned.

It's just something my heart yearns to do even... What beyond my irrational self longs to do.


TLDR;
What they say: "Don't go out at night, it's unsafe."
What I heard: "Your chance to self regulate, express and let it all out."

People should leave me alone, I think.

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Just had a bottle of cider which was a bottle of water ! !

When you live on the Internet as much as I've been forced to the last few years, you are part of a technological miracle that links you to nine billion screaming little goblins with long, twitching antennae who sit hunched in their dank mouldering dungeons, drooling a thick, venomous bile into their computer keyboards 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, forever. After you've been in the network long enough, you become one of the goblins.

I've been left to myself to watch the house for a week while everyone else goes on vacation. I didn't ask for the time off work in time...honestly, I didn't really try. The thought intimidated me because I haven't seen my aunt/that side of the family in quite a while.

I wish I had. This is f*****g miserable. They've been gone less than 24 hours. I've already tried to hit someone up to fool around and then been like "actually I can't do this sorry for wasting your time." My routine is going to be extra out of sorts with literally no one around. And then they've decided to still have the guy working on the bathroom keep doing it while I'm there, just so I can feel extra uncomfortable.

I am gross. I had that conscious thought to myself a while ago and now it keeps echoing in my head. I can't fix my f*****g teeth. I can't tie my shoes. I can't always manage my emotions. I can't live up to normal adult expectations. I'm regressing instead of getting better when it comes to people skills. No one should fool around with me.

“You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

- Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Ouch. This is hitting hard today.

I feel exhausted from being out of sync with the world. It is so tiring to get the reaction 'eh?' 'what?' 'what on earth are you talking about?' 'you're weird' etc 9 times out of 10. Either that or people laughing, saying 'oh you're so funny!' when I wasn't making a joke. Or people getting angry about what I said for no reason I can see. Or just giving me a weird stare.

I just wish FOR ONCE I could have an interaction with a real person when I make what I think is a normal comment and get the reaction of 'oh yes, I know what you mean' or 'I understand how you feel'. Or some other understanding reaction instead of total incomprehension.

For so long I've felt like I'm constantly explaining myself or pretending to laugh along but I don't know why. It's exhausting.

I stopped at Farmer Boys' (a family-style restaurant).  Just as I was about to leave, someone went on a rant about how Farmer Boy's was owned by Middle-East terrorists, and that I had just funded their jihad against America.

(I said "As-salamu alaykum" to him and left.)

Farmer Boys' is actually owned by a family of Cypriot immigrants, who have much more in common with Greece and Turkey than with Iran or Iraq.

I hate it when I'm just socially aware enough to realize how "off" my thinking must be to non-autistic people. I see "normal" people as the "bad guys," but they probably see me the same way. Why are we like this as society, and why can't I actually do something with these insights I have instead of waiting for them to go away so that I can be my usual asocial self again?

On the outside, I don't have a problem. I really don't. There's literally nothing wrong with my life.

It doesn't reflect in the inside.
So where does it came from??
And what the **** was it? Other than that stupid decades old mystery?

It's giving me headaches. Literal body aches. Why can't I just drop it?!

If I do, few things can happen -- I'll beat the hell out of myself and validating this stupid irrational self's belief that is already subconsciously dragging me down in hell; or sacrifice and give up everything I had built so far and be useless or subservient for good.

Or, do the worst of all of it -- make sudden decisions, destroy everything in a fit rage and not just physically...

I cannot seem to improve.
All because I was a human.

Stupid emotional dysregulation.
I wish there's no emotions for me to regulate -- or even need to have trouble regulating at all, no stupid echoing voices my stupid head has to eff off because of some stupid sensitivities in childhood that is all beyond my control.

I hate this body's subconscious.
I hate how the human body is actually keeping the stupid scores. I hate the limbic system for being so powerful yet so f*****g stupid.

I really really want to be the person who do not give a damn. I'm not even trying to avoid anything.

But this 'body', this 'mind', this 'heart'... This "human".


3 years.
I'll give myself 3 years. Because I'd be turning 30 by that point.

If nothing improves... then I have to make a choice.
And I cannot honestly wait to just take that leap, everyone and everything else be damned.

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