It is utterly exhausting trying to dig yourself out of a hole.
I need out of this house. I cannot deal with my mom's boyfriend's erratic, bipolar behavior (I'm not using that flippantly, he has bipolar and is unmedicated), nor his verbal abuse towards her, nor her defending it, nor my grandparents living in an RV in our f*****g alley and having to take care of their ancient tumor-ridden dog who s**ts in random spots in the basement because he's almost completely blind. I don't feel comfortable in my own house leaving my room or even going to the bathroom sometimes because I know he's here, especially because his job shuts down any time it's this cold.
The problem is that I don't know how exactly I'm going to do that. I don't make enough to live on my own. I can't drive - perhaps that is changeable, but I also have terrible dyspraxia. I tried to look at going off to college somewhere, but there are two schools in Kansas that offer library science, the only thing I'm interested in at this point (though I think the entire idea of dealing with capitalism for the rest of my life is bleak). One of them is currently having a scandal due to cutting a bunch of arts degrees and getting rid of tenured professors, the other one is a massive campus that I would get lost on trying to walk, let alone dealing with class size and trying to find a place for myself. It would be 7th grade all over again.
My teeth and digestive system are damaged from the rare syndrome I dealt with very likely due to trauma. The teeth are fixable, but it's also going to be pricy. But it's so gross every time I look at myself. Once my teeth are fixed I might honestly start doing sex work, or at least offer myself up to a rich old man in exchange for food and shelter. I'd rather be a living <redacted> toy than deal with living in this house any longer. At least you know you're wanted by somebody then.
No one f*****g helped me when I was a kid and then they just left me to pick up the pieces. I can't even tie my shoes.
And what really hurts is that I almost had it at one point. I had a boyfriend who wanted to make serious moves with me and I shut him out because I'm a coward and a moron. I wish I was with him. I spend too much time thinking about him, especially because his Twitter bio says he's taken. I hope he's doing well. I just wish it was with me. I would never actually reach out to him again - I torched that bridge to ash.
Call me Maroon 5 because I am in f*****g Missouri...er, misery.