Rants

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My father, whom I cannot like any further has done it to me again. When my grandmother died back in 2007, she brought the whole family together. I thought everything was going to be good. No, I was wrong. It seems that my AS is the butt of many jokes in my family(at least his side anyways). My uncle wants me in an institution because I don't like his partner, my aunt thinks that I'm a menace to society and should be put into an institution, which leaves me to my father. It seems that I don't exist to him and he's always distant. He left the island in January without really telling me. He took his wife along with him to upstate NY. So, I'm being forced to move to Saint Louis,Mo. The last time I was there it was incredibly pathetic. Yeah, you know I sure dislike St. Louis. I really do. There's nothing there for an AS want to be artist like myself. I feel as though no one will like it, and I will be doomed to failure. I'm afraid to fail, Although I'll always fail at life. With no one to like me at all, I guess I'll just be out in the cold.

I (like everybody else) hate my social ineptness, gets worse now that all my friends from childhood now shun me as they only hangout in couples and I am unable to rectify this

There's just no point anymore. I'm f****d I've found a great volunteer oppotunity with a therapeutic riding organization which is great because I love horses, but if I want to look for a job I can't for ten weeks or else I have to flake out on the organization, with a third option of not even being considered for hiring becasue I haven't got full open availability. School is not an option since I can't even write a damned essay after seven years of secondary school, which according to my mother is just a processing issue but were that remotely true, IMHO, seven years of highschool would have solved it and academically, I can't do anything with having my f'ing hand held like a bloody infant just learning to walk as it bloody well is, which is pretty much how everything else in my life is too. I can't even fill out a god damned application form without f*****g it up one way or the other. And I have had it up to my neck with everyone around me preaching to me, "oh you can't melt down when something blows up in your face," when everything blows up in my fae to begin with, or "you have to get out and socialize to network," when I can't afford to leave the house in order to do that, or my mother harping on me because I don't want to ask for help because it makes me feel inferior and she brings up her not being to walk on her own or having to lay down for a while after doing one task because her MS affects her legs, I'd rather have my issues be caused by a breakage in the communication pathe of my bodt that occured after the development was complete than not be able to do something, anything simple enough that anyone else could do it beacuse of a error that occured in the source of the message during development.

Why does an invitation to Easter dinner along with "come stay a few days" make me feel like jumping off a bridge?

I know why. It just sucks.

Hate, hate hate - hate life, hate uncertainty, hate knowing I should probably quit school, hate the idea of telling my parents - hate disappointing them again and again - hate failing in life, hate myself - hate being 99% sure that I have AS and then having to jump through 10 million hurdles to prove it to the world - hate doubting myself - hate not knowing how to deal with things - hate knowing exactly what I want to say in my head and knowing I can't say it out loud - wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and undo my existence.

Stop being so forgiving and nice! She'll walk right over you! I am very mad about what she's done and I feel all protective and stuff now like a big sister or something. You are TOO forgiving, I know you want a christian attitude and all that jazz but it will get you NOWHERE. Assert yourself and tell the cow off.

This is a rant, so unfiltered thoughts galore.
>edit: obsessive thinking<
Can't wait until the self-advocacy group in two weeks. I wonder what these people will have to say. Teamwork is just way too much pressure. And proposing new ideas in a way that will make other people accept them well is not my forte. I've lived this life in a constant fear of rejection. I'm sometimes afraid that if I say something wrong, the other person will hit me, push me out, or simply tell me to shut up... I know it's irrational. Ugh. >.<

About to go to bed. Praying that I get to sleep tonight.


Last night, the neighbor's horribly neglected dog was howling for hours. They almost completely ignore it (no attention, walks, or even picking up the crap), and it's horribly miserable, with these long agonizing howls throughout the day and into the night. The dog used to be allowed to roam in the yard, but was jumping the fence (gee, wonder why?). They used to have another dog, but it died (gee, wonder why?). Now that it's alone and on a short chain, the howling is really bad.

...and when I'm woken up, I can't get back to sleep. For hours (usually 4+). If at all. And, I'm a total wreck the next day, and likely a few days after. Hell, I've been a wreck for most of the past two years because of how frequently I've had problems with sleep disruption spanning two states and many addresses. Who would have thought that so many people lie about having normal schedules and/or quiet houses, then a ****ing 300 pound man stops around on your ceiling every night after 3:00 in the morning, and the roof creaks at over 60 decibels? Yes, I bought an audio meter and measured it. It took a year after moving away from there for the resulting chest pain to be less than a daily occurrence.

Today was spent being incapable of doing anything but wishing it were over. Here's hoping that I manage to sleep well enough to do *something* tomorrow.

My dog's in bad shape now, having 3 tumors hacked out of her yesterday. She's crying from the pain and the painkillers don't last THAT long. The cuts opened up slightly which was even worse. She's recovering, but it's traumatizing to see her like that.

Along with that I just can't help thinking why I bother with life, moments of true happiness don't come often, I had a dream several weeks ago in which I FELT true happiness, it was simply freedom. The absence of responsibilities, I could do whatever I liked whenever I wanted to without any worries. It ended far too quickly.

I've never seriously considered ending it though, I'm far too cowardly, and life is often said to improve. It's not as if I hate life, I just don't like it at the moment.

I hate school. I envy people in the US because they have IEPs, but if I were to be diagnosed with AS I doubt I'll get any help. Probably I'll get kicked out of my "elite" school for having a developmental disability. Although I know that a diagnosis will not help me in any way, I still want to know. Just to know. I hate not knowing whether I have AS or not. I hate how I always get labelled as "quiet' when it's because I don't know how to communicate with others. I hate how I'm slow to learn things like maths and chinese and always get scolded which caused me to lose motivation. I really, really hate my life now because everything's too fast and I can't process anything and I'm often breaking down and I know that a meltdown is coming soon and it's going to be terrible because I'm so stressed and I can't do anything about it.

^They have IEP's in the UK. Assuming that's where you're from. And schools aren't allowed to kick people out for having developmental disabilities, what with the anti-discrimination policies and that, so you should be fine.

The emaciated cat who turned up in my back garden on Saturday was euthanised this afternoon after blood tests showed he had kidney failure and anaemia. Also, last Thursday, my piano teacher had to have her 10 year-old Labrador euthanised, because she had a growth in her neck that was rapidly getting bigger and causing her pain and discomfort.

That's the trouble with animals - we often outlive them. So we should make the time we do have with them count. I'm going to start showing more physical affection to my dog when she comes to see me, rather than just saying,
"Hello Maisie, get down now please".

School is burning me out. I'm slipping away, losing all the progress in interaction that I've made, returning to my own little bubble in the world where reality and dreams are the same thing. I wake up exhausted although I get 7 hours of sleep (5 is the average for most people) and I've lost interest in everything. I don't want to work because even a few maths questions can overload my brain these days. Everything is too loud, too sharp, the world is grating and jarring and terrible. I feel like an alien who wants to return to the security of his/her home planet, but I can't because that would mean complete social isolation which I can't have because of the high emphasis on groupwork in my school. I want to go to a place where I can be with my thoughts for a long time, maybe never come back.

I'm sick of my life. I want it to change now.

ahh nvm

I was openly mocked and laughed at for being infertile. I feel cold. I want to go home - not my house - home.