Rants

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I want to wake up feeling like I want to live.
And be pain free.
Is that too much to ask?

What should I use to forget the past five days?

Lorazepam
Clonazepam
Ambien
Dayvigo
Quetiapine
Dilaudid
Nyquil
Tequila
Asphyxia

/\Take a ride on the Ativan.
I would but my script needs to be refilled.

Not really a rant but a WTF?

Why do people want hundreds and thousands of followers on social media? I keep seeing posts saying 'I've reached 100K followers! Thank you so much!'

Just, why? In the days before social media, people didn't want thousands of casual friends. I do not understand, what is the point of them?

I like a small number of followers that I actually interact with. I do not want to be searched online and indexed by search engines, I like to be private. Which luckily Mastodon allows, thank goodness.

I feel like i am carrying the weight of the world and i cant do this any longer.

I just want to be on my own for a little while and be in my own world. The outside world is too harsh, there is nothing positive there for me. No emotional support, no one i can talk to, no one who knows i am autistic even because their poor weak selves cant handle that knowledge. Instead they forced me to hide who i am and made me hate myself and my father for years.

I hope these ableist a**holes will live through everything they fear and criticize. I wont forgive them for the damage they caused me.
I have started to like myself at age 25, thanks to these people. I hope they will also experience the shame and hopelessness they put me through bc they cant accept certain hard truths in life. Weak people

I empathise, AprilR and feel similar.

What is happening to this world? Everyone I know is struggling, where is this going to end.

Emotional overeating

New bad habit: eating in the middle of the night

Annoying and angry customers at work

Tattletale tom

Payroll error paid me twice

Identity theft

Been defecating two or three times between breakfast and lunch

Anxiety

Zero "friends"

Sister told me she is going to sell the house I live in and then I have to work two full time minimum wage jobs. Just for room and board. Right now been working one minimum wage job and can barely handle it. Manual labor and emotional stress. 40 only getting physically weaker. Don't know how much longer I can physically handle the job .
Paranoid of becoming homeless.

Asperger's, autism

Transsexual

Day laborers screaming "Chino" at me

Homophobia

Zero "friends"

Afraid of a heart attack

None of the jobs I worked at involved my bachelor's degree, associate degree or even high school diploma

structural engineering failure

Back pain

Have to sleep eight hours daily to function

Trouble sleeping

Emotionally fragile

Computer got a virus

Old man and old woman dropped dead

Workplace and surrounding neighborhood, filthy. Not enough public transportation. Pedestrians struck by cars. Afraid precious lil "people" will have the nerve to physically injure my worthless corpse

Home Depot hires convicted felons. You don't have a "right" to know who was convicted of what

It appears to me that a disproportionate number of home Depot slaves have psychiatric diagnoses and not many of them have critical thinking skills

Customers almost run me over with a car a couple of times a day

Applied to plenty of jobs. Nobody will hire me. Fast food, retail

Plenty of jobs had the nerve to make my worthless corpse redundant. (Unemployable). (Bad work history)

Zero "friends"

Single and zero children and zero car

Bad motor skills

Bad social skills

Uptight all the time

_________________________

Constantly terrified of impending disaster:

Getting sent to jail
Civil lawsuit
Getting made redundant,
Homeless
Getting physically injured

__________________________

I've been wounded

Beyond repair

I don't want to die or whatever. No one does.

But I just want this character I'm playing dead.
Her thoughts are wrong. Her feelings are wrong. Her actions are wrong.

This programing, the biology -- everything.


She feels all this hate and misery -- I feel something much beyond that. I simply don't want anything to do with her.

I want her out of my life even if it meant actually for me to cease existing because I just cannot utterly stand her.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

My best friend at work (probably in general, I don't exactly have a whole lot) has an interview tomorrow morning...at an ABA clinic. f**k. Sounds like a punchline but so does everything in my life at this point.

I share anti-ABA s**t on Facebook all the time that she sees, I don't think she'd voluntarily want to hurt or traumatize kids - but I also have the invasive thought of "what if we're friends because I'm basically like practicing with an autistic kid?" Not like I have anything else to offer.

I'm really gonna hate this job after she leaves. Not much else I can do though.

The British government is going (more) insane.

This is from The Guardian yesterday, it's at the bottom of page 2. https://www.theguardian.com/politics/li ... navigation

My problem with ULEZ is it affects the poor more than the rich. It should be means tested imo so people on a low income don't have to pay it.

My elderly grandfather who can't feel his feet is going down into the basement and doing laundry even when I've told him not to do it and that I would do all the laundry. They tried to hide this from me for several weeks before my grandma told me "He's gonna do what he wants to do."

Apparently I am that incompetent, or they're that f*****g stubborn, even though if something happened to him in the basement, doing f*****g secret laundry while I'm at work, it would somehow be my fault to the rest of the family.

And for whatever reason they change the subject like "Oh we need to put that bedframe upstairs..." I don't give a s**t about my bedframe or if I'm sleeping on the floor, I'm trying to help you! f**k.

And then everyone else just mooches off of them. My uncle visits to "borrow" a thousand dollars but "he promises he should be getting a check next month, I just need it for now." He's supposed to have been getting a check for years.

Yet, somehow, in my mind and apparently most people's, I'm the selfish, useless one. f**k me standing.