Rants

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I suck at being an adult.

I think
In my heart
I'm a very intolerant person.
Is it too much to ask that humans
at the very least
attempt to be decent
to one another?
Is that even possible?

My parents raised me the British way. If you're going to cry, go to your room. Every time I fall apart the coffee drinking starts up. I start to wonder what 2024 has in store for me. I have this fantasy that I get hit in the head by a baseball and I fall in love with England. My mum notices that she doesn't have a hun feeling around me and starts treating me like gold, the way she treats my sister. I shrink back into the family with my Union Jacks and such. I become as stoic as the rest of the adults in my family. I remember the time I actually got hit in the head by a baseball and I went from being an Anglophile to being a hippie over night. That happened to me when I was 16. I had a dream that there were lots of giant camouflage beetles the size as brains. There were two special beetles that crawled onto my legs. A striped one and one with flowers. They both had psychedelic colours on them. I wonder if two beetles with Union Jacks would crawl onto my legs if that happens again. I had a breakdown tonight. Does it mean that it's time for a cup of coffee or do I stick to having tea in the morning like I have been doing the past 9 days? I feel like I'm in grade school. I break down and cry and everybody else is holding it together. The majority of the kids have British last names except for one kid and she's just as emotional as I am.

I see Mick Avory on his drums. I'll be a whole different person on New Year's Day. You just wait and see. I can go from loving Germany to being a born again Mod in 24 hours. I'm going to get plastered on New Year's Eve to celebrate. I'm going to wake up the next day off the floor and say, "Wow! I'm in the Cockney Spirit." My avatar will look something like this and I will be more open to things that I call woke. I'll be living in the 60s again. I'll be one of you. I'll even go on a diet.

My brain made me have a REALLY, REALLY bad, HORRIBLE, gorey dream involving one of my parents. Like one of the worst dreams I've ever had in my life. I feel severely nauseous and want to f*****g kill myself.

I am absolutely knackered over everything being time sensitive. Filling out forms, telephone and press buttons for information. Wowser, I still have my wits and intelligence. I just do things a bit more slowly. Give me a break I’m old have a brain injury, am autistic, and have nerve damage…when I buy groceries it is not a race to the finish.

^ Yeah, same here.

I want to be around you FF.
You have never upset me or done / said the wrong thing.

I want to be around you too.

I actually feel better since I stopped trying to force myself to be sociable. Being surrounded by other people with autism makes me less anxious.

I hear you Fairfield. I myself suffer from life long self harm issues and suicidal ideation. In spite of that I have tried to work on self improvement to help me better deal with life’s challenges, and it has helped. I have seen and done things that have been great, which I wouldn’t have if I had given into my thoughts. You will always have support and understanding here, whatever else is going on in your life.

I also want to be around you as well FF.

I need some repairs done on my boiler. They suggest this afternoon; I say that's great as that's the only time I can get off work. Somehow this translates to them sending somebody round this MORNING while I'm out at work, and I bet this will somehow be my own fault.