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I was just going to bed and i checked my phone and saw i had a message from someone i really didn't want to talk to and i knew i shouldn't have looked at it but i looked at it and it made me angry and anxious and now i can't sleep because of the adrenalin. This year has sucked donkey balls, this Christmas is in the process of sucking donkey balls and i can't currently see how the general donkey ball sucking is going to let up anytime soon. The least the world could do is let me sleep and now i can't even do that.

Health insurance, rent, grocery costs skyrocketing. Salary not rising proportionately. My worthless corpse only earns minimum wage. Been applying for other jobs for a longfuck time. A couple interviews and zero offers.

Exhausted all the time. No energy for a side hustle. Plenty of people work two full time jobs. Some of them are in worse health than me, fatter than me, older. Standing jobs. How do they do it?

My sister is selling the house I live in and I have to move out. Don't know how to get an appointment with $29000 income. Plenty of people earn minimum wage. Some of them pay for rent, five children, four week Hawaii vacation, boxing lessons, Uber eats, cars, drug addictions, smoking. How do they do it?

Cold feet

Heater in house barely heats and only heats the hallway

Tattletale tom

Lazy boy Steve

Locked bathrooms at work. Customers keep bothering me to unlock

Work outside in the rain, thunder, hail, lightning

Exhausted all the time

Zero "friends". Dena hasn't answered my email since last year. She doesn't want to be my "friend" anymore ". Cory often does not answer the email. And when he does, he doesn't address my statements. Usually he just tells me to get a better job or gives unsolicited advice. The ghettoass lil dips**ts at work are not "friendship material ". Some of them are nice some of the time but the second they correctly or wrongly think you did the slightest thing wrong, it's like "Dr Jekyll and mister Hyde ".

Bowel movements take a long time

Dissociated. Can't pay attention well enough to do some things, like driving

Can't install desktop computer. It's too hard. Must be getting much stupider. It's not brain surgery

Some pedestrians got hit by cars in the parking lot that I work at. Paying attention is sometimes just not good enough

Tripping over potholes

Annoying Alberto

Breasts too large

Customers barking at me for not being physically strong enough to load their garbage

40 never had a relationship before

Zero self actualization

Idiot coworkers

Entitled customers

Found out that they're hiring a new custodian at work by being on my break and seeing the maintenance supervisor showing her around. I'm so f*****g pissed because no one told me anything about them definitively not hiring me, and I found out that it's because I have to have a license. My manager has known that I don't have one the entire time I've worked there and everyone was telling me I don't need one for the position. I got lied to and dicked around for f*****g weeks. I'm livid.

I hate condescending people. The odd thing is that it seems like some people who hate being condescended to the most are so guilty themselves. I am guilty myself but I know it's self serving and try to correct course. Everyone anchored in their superior worldview is in need of an earthquake occasionally.

How can people be so cruel? I don’t understand.

Nothing.

It's just my body.

No, no, not the damn looks.

It's whatever it's inside.

Where??? Likely, everywhere.

No, no. I'm not in pain.

But I'm very, very inconvenienced.

Solve one, two more crops up.

Most of which we're at least a decade old ignored problems.

Ugh. I don't want that kind of damn life -- spent most of my waking life just dealing with this damn body.

More?? Like, dealing with one's own head? Oh, sure. That's even more unreasonable.

Let alone dealing with other people.

Sigh.

Communicate??? As a damn child, we had nothing. So what's the point of telling?

As a teenager? Too busy dealing with the damn head.

As an adult? I have to un-F*** all that.

What, I'm going to waste the majority of my productive life just to undo shite??

What's the point, then?

Oh? There are people worse than me? Oh, I KNOW that.

No need to tell me that everyone has a f***ing story. I'm already so sick of that.

"I'm so lucky" blah blah blah ~ "You had it easy" blah blah blah ~

And one wonders why I don't complain? Communicate? Well??

No amount of love can solve this shite.

No amount of accommodations can end this shite.

It could've been so easily prevented.

But nuh-uh! I'm born to a world where I have no hand in making it.

Complain because circumstances? SURE!

My feelings are not valid, my thoughts are NOT valid!

Thank you for telling me what I already KNEW this whole fricking time since elementary days.

"OH, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!"

... What am I doing for the past good 20+ years, then??

"TRY HARDER!!"

Uhuh... Sure, sure...

Let's run on empty, or lift heavy with an injury, or pretend that you hadn't been shot in the leg and run a damn marathon.

Anyone who cannot cope with that is a SPOOOOIIILLLLEDDDD BRAAAATT~

Why the F*** am I not taking your advices???

Not that I did not tried, nor is feasible, nor knew what the heck it meant.

Oh, but then again! I seem to operate in BACKWARDS.

Who else who could help but me?

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I was thinking about extreme levels of cruelty. I understand on an intellectual level but not an emotional one. That might not make sense.

My question was more rhetorical as part of my rant related to a flashback I was having at the time. I understand from an intellectual standpoint.

Yesterday the older Cambodian lady I work with was talking to another Cambodian lady in Khmer, and sometimes I hear them mention me by name when they do that. I didn't really mind it, until yesterday when the older lady pointed to my stomach area when she thought I wasn't looking, and obviously made a motion making fun of my weight gain. I don't really want to work with her anymore and I'm anxious about what they've been saying about me. It kind of ruined the last hour or two of work for me and made me self conscious. They did notice that I saw them doing that so they tried to be extra nice to me afterwards, but I just didn't want to talk to them or anything after it and I still don't.

Fat shaming is a common occurrence you will come across, Fairfield, unfortunately.

I'm not sure if there is a solution to avoiding it, since if you reported such a thing it probably wouldn't be taken seriously and would be dismissed as 'joking' or some such on behalf of the offenders.

Why can't my mom just understand that she's not meant to be a dog owner? Owner, not a friend, not a fur-mom.
And that I will never help her with that, because it is not my decision to get a dog in the first place?

I don't care if we're living under the same roof.
We've been doing our own laundries, making our own lunches and cleaning our own respective rooms. And we're both not paying the bills.

I clean my own mess in the kitchen, but this does not extend to whatever mess the dog did.
And even clean the entire bathroom for our own use, but not when the dog excretes anything.

It is not my responsibility. I don't care if we're disturbing you and the neighbors just to get rid of it's mess on the way to the kitchen; I'm not doing it and I sure hell would rather not have to be 'mindful' where I should damn 'step' because this is not a fricking street.

As much as she insists that I should treat her like family -- no, mom. I consider it a pest. Unwelcome and a potential hazard that I never agreed to.

It should not live here with you, and should especially not share spaces with me.
I did not agreed to this. I insist just as much, mom -- because I did not consent to this.

Stop buying dogs if you're not going to train them properly and make them able to roam safely; you don't know what you're doing and you still don't damn know what you're doing.

You wasted so much clothes, so much rags, and so many pillows and blankets just so you claim that you did provided a 'clean space' for it.
You did not clean a damn thing, you made OUR STUFF a damn dirty fodder into a pile of crap smelling hill and it has no sense of boundaries to where it makes a mess.

Why judge my mom?
Because the damn dog is actually just a toy, a status symbol -- not a companion or a living being. Not serious enough to be included into any discussions.

As much as I 'pity' it, IT IS A RESPONSIBILITY.
Why am I not treating it decently as it should? Again and again and again -- I did not agreed to it. I did not brought it, I did not consented, I did not even ever want any other thing to just 'co-habit'.

Like how no one is fricking obligated to force me to make friends with someone or anyone for that matter -- it's the same with owning and living with a pet.

It's not my damn job. And it's my choice to not even tolerate it's presence.

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