I'm such a f**k up

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Thanks Anthracite - definitely not intruding.

I didn't sleep well but did manage to get some, and in the periods when I was awake I was having a text conversation with Samaritans which was helpful.

I'm still feeling very low and suicidal but the urge to do myself serious harm that I had last night seems to have gone for now. And I'm not crying at the moment which is good.

I’m sorry things are tough right now. I’m glad you’ll be getting some extra help in the form of that self-harm therapy/intervention or whatever we should refer to it as. I hope it’s effective and can help you get through to August. I feel like August can’t come soon enough for you so you can know where you stand in the end and then make more long term plans that will allow you to build your life back up.

Just know that time is coming!

Glad you're feeling a bit better than last night. Where are you going on holiday?

Southern Greece.

Please! I’d only vacation in northern Greece! Ok, I’m really jealous!

Or Corfu I'm watching The Durrells on ITVPlayer right now. But the south must be nice too.

I don't mean to berate, but it's time for an update! Sorry, was just watching the A-Team. At least I didn't say "fool".

Hehe.

This week has been a little up and a lot down.

Had my initial meeting with my key worker at the self-harm service. She was very nice and explained that she was peer worker (meaning that she has personal experience of self-harm and mental health problems). The service itself sounds good.

In the down part, I had to face more unexpected consequences of my conviction, which have the potential to lose me my home. Unfortunately, I didn't cope well with the stress of this and ended up taking another overdose, which landed me in hospital for a short while with an altered heart rhythm. I don't remember any of the day that I took the overdose which feels rather weird.

Never mind, in a little over a week I'll be away on my holiday which will hopefully relax me a little.

Glad you're seeing someone who hopefully understands self harm from your perspective. Since my diagnoses I've come to realise that my obsessive behavour (contamination) is my way of coping with my anxiety, (one that forces me into a distance from other people). Does self harm do a similar thing for you? don't answer if you'd rather not.

Hope you have a nice time in Greece.

Are you sure they'd take your home because you got convicted? Besides, right now aren't you considered innocent?

Are you going to a Greek Island, somewhere around Athens, or somewhere else on the Greek mainland?

You’re such a bright and educated person. You will pull through this.

If your CSW doesn’t recommend incarceration, you probably won’t go to jail. I work in the criminal justice system. Even when the probation department recommends jail, most defendants get probation or even less.

Hopefully you're now in the Greek Islands enjoying the good life?

Self harm has become my main coping mechanism for any unpleasant feelings - mostly anxiety in my case, but also low mood, frustration, anger etc. I know it is bad, but I have been doing it since I was a child and it is not easy to change the habits of a lifetime (I'm now 44). I hope that with the support of the self harm service, I will be able to reduce the frequency and severity with which it occurs, but I doubt I'll ever be able to stop completely.



The problem was with a mortgage transfer offer - my fixed rate had come to an end so I needed to apply for a new fixed rate, and there was a clause in the conditions about criminal convictions. However, my support worker took me to the building society today and we discovered it is not going to be a problem. Which is a huge relief.

I'm not considered innocent - I was convicted (by my guilty plea), I just haven't been sentenced yet.



It's the Greek mainland, pretty much as far south as you can get on the Peloponnese peninsula.

Thank you for your kind and reassuring words, Kraftie. It's hard not to catastrophise about the worst case scenario of going back to prison. It preys on my mind every day and much of each night. I'm hoping it'll ease up while I'm away enjoying the Greek life and sunshine so I can enjoy myself. Only a couple of days to go now.

It sucks that they are taking so long to sentence you. I wish there was a way you could speed up the process. The waiting can't be easy. I'm waiting to take a test on 7/11 and I'm tense about that, but at least I can use the time inbetween productively.

Hi YellowBannana? When's your vacation coming up? I hope it's a good break for you!

I second that!