I've been suicidal

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For Sure

I'm just taking it a day at a time now mate

Finally managed to speak to my therapist after missing him 4 times this week

He said I'm doing everything right

That's good

I should be counting myself lucky that I have so many people around me who care

Well it's a nice thing to feel people care because they choose to, because they like what they see in you.

Its been like "all hands on deck" for me just lately hasn't it

I mean with all the help I've been getting btw

How it ought to be!

So refreshing when things work the way they're supposed to

Yeah, it's good to know the system works

Hope you're feeling better bb.

Thanks man

I'm starting to try to look forwards mate and that's about it ATM

I was suicidal around 1992.

No reason for it: good job, roof over my head. Loving family.

Clinical depression isn't logical. I'm a lot more resilient these days.

I'm glad you got through that time Rossall
And I'm glad you're here as well

I never really had any great desire to find my biological mother but I did a dna test and there was her cousin and that was when I opened the flipping tin of worms didn't I.
She denied even giving birth to me but after a while and after I had to prove who I was she did give me the name of a man who she said was my dad…ok

A few months later I had a meeting with a social worker who gave me a lot of court reports that were concerning my birth and adoption
My mother had abandoned me in the hospital when I was born and I was having seizures
I spent the first 6 months of my life in hospital and the nurse who looked after me named me after herself
I then spent 3 years of my life in the custody of the courts whilst my mother flip flopped over whether she wanted me or not

In the end the decision was taken out of her hands

The man who she told me was my dad isn't my dad either so not only did she try to deny my very existence but she couldn't even be honest about who my dad is. I know who he is now BTW because I found a paternal cousin and we worked it out together

All of this has happened to me in the last couple of years

It's been really hard and it has made me feel as though I should be dead.
It's made me remember all the times that anyone has told me that there's nothing for me in this world and it just all made sense and I think this has all had an influence on the state of my mental health of late

I did the dna test because I have identity issues and I needed to make sure that I am who I was told I am. It turned out that I wasn't, I've been lied to all my life. I had serious problems when I was born. I couldn't be immunised properly because of all of this and the seizures were most likely a result of heavy drinking during pregnancy and thus has more than likely made me have learning difficulties

I've been suicidal for many many years. I can go back as far as my early childhood but I dissociate. I've done this all my life as a coping thing

I believe all what has happened in the last couple of years has brought it all back to the surface

Anyway I'm not going through this post and editing it so it's just as it is

And I think that everything that's gone on in the last few years has just brought all these feelings to the surface
Because obviously I'm more in a position to be able to deal with it, process it all and put it away where it should be

I'd like to thank WP again for allowing me the space to be able to do this because apart from my therapist this is my only outlet

Thank you guys