Im in so much emotional and existential pain/noone will help

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I agree with nightbender, jennyishere is needed too.

ok...so nightbender your parents abused and neglected you (and it still goes on). If my understanding was right from before, you are an adult. Do you still live with them?

Let's take some small steps now. Each one is a little homework assignment (that is what my therapist used to tell me). I will begin with a quote from Jawaharlal Nehru:

"What we really are matters more than what other people think of us."

Think about that. The most important thing to your personal being is what you are. So tell me nightbender, who are you? What do you want for yourself? What are you good at? It does not matter what others think of you.

You must accept yourself. Like me, you are autistic. It's only a difference really. But it is an important part of you and me. Are you ashamed of being autistic? If you are, we need to work on that. If you are not ashamed, then great. As most know around the WrongPlanet, I love and am proud of being autistic. It is fun for me. I view it as a gift. I want it to be fun for you too. I want you to find your gift in autism too. And it can happen. If you don't believe this, note this quote from the possibly autistic American auto giant Henry Ford:

"Anyone can walk right through the boundaries we ordinarily believe are our limitations."

You make your limitations based on how you feel you have been perceived by the world. And, you can walk through those limitations that you have made. The first step for someone like you nightbender is wanting to be helped. That is an important step. It proves you want to walk through those boundaries you see around you. Let's begin by moving you through the boundaries.

So think about what I wrote. Absorb it. And tell yourself you will move through those boundaries. And your homework is the questions I asked:

Are you an adult?
Do you still live with your parents?
Who are you (skip this if you struggle with it)?
What do you want for yourself?
What are you good at?
Are you ashamed of being autistic?
And, are you willing to try to walk through your boundaries/limitations (challenges)?

Thank you nightbender. I will be posting back to you tonight. You will make it .

Hello again, nightbender and glider18. Thank you for making me feel welcome. As an NT, I'm always a bit concerned that my presence here on WP is intrusive. I think it's important that people with ASDs have the opportunity to support each other and share experiences and I didn't want to get in the way of that here. I'm happy to pop in to talk if you want me to, though.

The main reason I became involved with WP is to learn more about autism. I have two young friends, one an online friend and one a person I work with, who have Asperger's. Both of them are struggling with their lives at the moment and I've found Wrong Planet a very useful and friendly place to get an insight into how they see the world. I've learned a LOT here. Also, because I'm a teacher, I often come into contact with students who have various ASDs, so it's useful for me to have a better understanding of their needs. Plus, I've found most people here at WP very friendly and interesting to talk with, so I'm quite often here.

I think you're making some very insightful suggestions to nightbender, glider18. It's good for him to start thinking more positively, and I know he's been trying to.

How are you today, nightbender?

Thank you jennyishere for staying here with us. I too am a teacher---I am a gifted intervention specialist. I deal with three students at a time at the most---usually just one student at a time. I am also working with a brain injured student---so that can be challenging.

Here at the WrongPlanet we welcome NTs. This is a great place to learn about the spectrum.

I might as well tell you briefly about me. I am 44 years old---my avatar is a picture of me when I was about 10 years old. Autism runs in my family. I have Asperger's, and I am an autistic savant---in music. I also have certain memorization skills---for example, by the time I was in high school I had memorized the statistics (height, length, year of build, designer, builder) of every roller coaster in the United States, Canada, and Mexico. My interests are listed in my profile. And, I have the view that autism can be a gift. I conduct a music ministry on multiple instruments, and I tell congregations that autism is a gift to me. I try to deliver a message of hope and inspiration. I know that autism can be challenging. I have undergone therapy for issues in my life---parenting, and being a better husband.

Ok nightbender:

You never got to grow up. Your apartment has been an important step for you then. Your health should improve enough so that you can live independently. Though I like my alone time, I am not sure how I would do independently. Had a date not been arranged for me when I was a senior in high school, I would not have married that girl seven years later. I truly believe I would still be living at home with my parents. Actually, we only live a half mile from my parents. You have the determination to have your independence---that is a very important step. If you keep up that determination you may get your independence soon. Does your case worker provide for you in a satisfactory manner?

Learning about yourself---that is a journey. Wow, what a journey. I tell you what, keep a journal. Write down the things that you learn about yourself. I had started a journal when I was in therapy, but I stopped. I wished I had continued. Make it like a diary of your private thoughts. You don't have to disclose what you write---it's just for you. Then, as you read it---you learn. So---start a journal. Letting your emotions out on paper can be an outlet for relieving your frustrations. Also, include plenty of good things about you.

Not good at going to the store?---tell me about it. I have been known to wander aisles over and over again trying to find that certain something. Grocery stores can be awful. Oh well, you have survived so far. You know what I think---I think you are psyching yourself out there. I have done that too. I have psyched myself out on things before. With the store, I sometimes have to make a list. Try that. What is it that you find so challenging about the store? What other things have been giving you challenges that you once had no trouble with? You might just have to do some relearning of some skills. That's not that difficult I wouldn't think.

I am glad you take pride in being autistic. Everyone---autistic, NT, etc., should take pride in what they are. I mean, it is us. Jennyishere is NT. She probably takes pride in herself. And she probably has challenges in her life. You and I are autistic, we take pride in ourselves, and we have challenges. It's just life. You mention that your autism is the source of the services you get. And you say that your father made you ashamed of autism. I hope you know that your father was wrong there. He had no right to make you ashamed. But I also bet he loved you. I had a grandfather that was very harsh acting. I used to dread to even come in contact with him. He was frightening. But, I realize that he loved me. He just had a funny way of showing it. You need to heal from these experiences with your father. I think that is something you need to focus on. You need to realize that you need to live your life and not worry about those around you influencing you in ways that are not good. Please try to live your life in a manner that is best for you.

Wonderful---you are willing to overcome your boundaries/limitations/challenges. There are ways to overcome them.

So now, we move to another assignment. You need to list your challenges. And I think that jennyishere can be a great asset in thinking of ways to help you meet those challenges, and I will try to help with those too. Also, and this may be duplicating what jennyishere asked you about in earlier posts, what are your interests? Those interests can become your gifts.

Remember this quote, "What we really are matters more than what other people think of us."

I look forward to you feeling better nightbender. And I look forward to the advice jennyishere has to offer---she is a great friend for you. You have support from both of us.

Thank you for welcoming me and for telling me about yourself, glider18. You were certainly a striking-looking child. I'm also a parent, of two teenagers, and am very happily married.

Savant skills are very interesting. I've read Darold Treffert's book, Extraordinary People, which I'm sure you'd be familiar with. I can imagine that there would be great satisfaction in being a musical savant.

I think that your efforts to inspire and guide nightbender are very admirable. I'm learning from you as well. I agree with you that everyone's life contains challenges, although I certainly wouldn't want to understate the difficulties faced by many people with autism. I've been able to learn a lot more about those difficulties here on WP.

Hello nightbender. If we're going to make this work you are going to need to list for me those things that are challenges/problems/frustrations to you. Then we will work to find solutions. I will give you an example from my life.

Bright light bothers me a lot. Today, I had my yearly eye appointment. I wear glasses. So I had my new glasses ordered with anti-reflective coatings to cut down on bright glare.

So list those things that you would like to have improved in your life. Oh...are you going to keep a journal?

Hi, nightbender. I can understand why your case manager is pushing you to be independent if you are an adult and your father has assaulted you in the past.

What does your case manager think about your health problems? Does he seem to take them seriously or does he dismiss them? It sounds like you're dealing with a lot more than just Asperger's.

I've heard that neuroleptics can have serious side effects. Have you had proper medical tests to check whether they have contributed to your problems?

I think that glider18's strategy of listing your problems and finding solutions for them is a good one, by the way. Sometimes it's good to write things down so that you can organize your thoughts more easily. It lets you solve things step-by-step.

BAsically having a working cognitive/psychology state, more specifically breaking the obstrution so i can start returing to normal,
having a good nights sleep.
and getting a support system that does not rely on my parents

I went to a church for some faith healing at my mothers behest, (not my normal church) it kinda got messed up as i had a hard time articulating what was wrong, they had a hard time understanding why i was there and ended up praying against aspergers and the supplements that helped me. My mother aslo has nasty way of making me look bad. She had walked into the room with me without asking me. she accused me of having a "mood disoder" and "verbally abusing" my parents, wich i have seriously never done, wich made them look at me real funny, and later they said without knowing a darn thing that all the things i was reliving werent true. My mother doesnt understand the meanings of words like verbal abuse and harrasment to mean anytime someone annoys her or makes her feel bad not understanding that these things are crimes and "mood disorder" as something to blame others when they make her feel bad.

THis is how awful my life is that i cant even go to a church to a blessing and get it right,(and that i am finding myself reliant on things like this instead of getting real treament as side from the chiropracter)

I have been going to the chiropracter for three sessions now and its helped a little to make me feel better and less tired and irratable.

I can relate to you in having trouble trying to verbalize things. My therapist told me to script out things---like "act" it out. I found that I had actually done that to some extent throughout my life. Before getting into a situation, I think through a script before I say it. I can even rehearse it in my head. Now, once the conversation gets going, then you have to sort of rely on trying to get the words out correctly. But at least you have a good start. So with your church healing, you could think out the script ahead of time in presenting yourself. This isn't altogether easy to do, but with practice it does get easier.

ok