Is it worth it?

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Is it worth persuing a relationship? I just read an article about AS and marriage in the in depth adult discussion and allthough the article paints a negative image, I believe it to be a true account of my situation. It seems that when I am trying to make a relationship work, if the NT partner knows about AS it makes things more confusing. I try too hard to adapt to the NT way of thinking and then loose all of my individuality. I crave for company and then when I have it I wish people would just go away. I am currently in a BF/GF relationship and I don't think its going to last because of my aspie ways.

Does anyone else out there think that they are unable to make a relationship last? Does anyone else crave company and then wish they would leave you alone?

I've been trying for over a year to adapt to the AS way of thinking, and it's been equally hard for me. I've even directly asked him to help me, but for the most part, I've been left on my own to decipher his behavior.



This is my guy to a tee. I think collecting 'friends' is one of his obsessions, but then all he does is complain about them because they are never who he wants them to be.

Thanks M I agree with both of your statements and I know it must be hard and frustrating to understand AS thinking. I figure it must be equaly hard for both NT and AS as we both seem to live different cultures. Its true that trying to understand builds up stress. Thats when we tend to hide away or be silent.

I have been in a relationship with and I find that NTs are too fussy about people; they always moan about people in how they are behaving ang the neurotypical I was with was always whinging on about people who turned out to be Aspies anyway she was not the 'brightest button on the shirt'. She would always talk what I would see as crap which is the usual thing neurotypicals do. She did not want to share my interests or even had the intelligence to do so. By 1994 she had accused me of having an affair with another neurotypical who would not be seen dead having a relationship with someone with AS she is now in Devon living with a neurotypical man who is as thick as two short planks. Now I have had a bellyful of neurotypicals and I generally do not keep relationships very well. I do not get them very easy either. If I found someone nice when I was in my 20s rather than those that lie about me or other then I would not be on my own.

I have been in an Aspie/Bipolar relationship for 36 years.

We have managed this because we have both dug our heels in and said "This is our final stand. Till death do we part"

Would I have stuck with a woman who lied to me or cheated on me? No way. She would be out of my life tomorrow.

If you both want to make it happen then with God's will you can make it happen.

I think it's better if both people at least have some "aspie ways."

The most wonderful thing in the world is to find someone you feel comfortable talking to and not talking to. If you can't be silent with someone, each there, doing your own thing, but being together, it won't work. If you're quite comfortable sitting in the same room as your partner, each absorbed in a book or something, then there's a chance. It's totally possible to be doing your own thing but not being alone.



StudentM, if your guy actually is an aspie, maybe the two of you just aren't a good match.
Generally there's minimal deciphering going on at all with an aspie; we tend to take things at face value. If you're deciphering things, it's likely you're seeing things that aren't there.

If you introduce someone to your favorite series, and subsequently barely see them for a week or so because they can't pull their nose out of the books, it's a match made in heaven. (especially if YOUR face is buried in THEIR favorite books!)

You're right, we may not be. But he even said when we first started talking that he doubted we'd be able to communicate well, and that it had been a lifelong problem for him. So, in a way, I think he expects failure.

And he doesn't take things at face value. He has huge trust issues with women, and that colors all our interaction.

I think I do have some aspie ways that would make a relationship possible. I embrace silence. My daughter commented on how surprised she was when she started going over to friends houses - how much they talk, and that my silence was freakishly abnormal. I told her it was nothing personal, I'm just quiet. Now I make an effort to talk more to her, but it is a concentrated effort.

And I could definitely live separately from an aspie in a committed relationship. I like having my own space and feel no overwhelming urge to share breathing room.

Sorry to highjack your thread AA...

It is possible to have a relationship.
Yes, it is worth it.
Not sure how to define the extras that it takes.
There are great challenges, and oh boy do I know that! But with the right people with good attitudes, it can be made to happen.
Understanding that it ain't gonna be "perfect", and there's some things just not gonna be there, is helpful.
And that everyone involved is going to have to make conscious decisions along about what to do, not do, say, not say, and ask for clarification.

And there's things which will stress you and there's things which will stress them.
(there's that in any relationship, so at least that part of being an aspie is "normal" )

And me being the AS member of our relationship has done some 'research' into what is 'supposed' to be done in marriages by the husband.

But, for us, it is still a great improvement over no relationship.

Something which helps us, and I now not everyone can have, is that my wife has 2 adult ADHD children from a previous marriage and has also cared for other kids with various difficulties.
And her college education is in social services. So she has a background which helps understanding and coping. Guess it may help that she has some physical disabilities and can see from that perspective.

Right now, though, my troubles with stress and over stimulation make it so we can't live in the same residence - I have to live by myself And it is heartbreaking. We have chosen, after considering the options, to maintain our marriage even with that.
Do understand not everyone is up to that.

The point of all these words is to show and encourage that even with challenges setbacks and difficulties, if everyone is willing there can be a sustainable relationship.
It just takes the right people and a good dose of grace and mercy from both sides.

Wife just called me letting me know she's needing an extra Dr. appointment - she is a member here and asked her to look at this and give her input.

It can be done - and we all (aspies) feel that way (hot and cold) alternately needing companionship and distance. There is no happy medium, only a relationship in which both partners help eachother.

I guess that I'm saying;

1. Don't Give Up....

2. It hard work but with the right people, it can work.

3. It's never fixed "forever" all relationships need constant "maintenance".

4. It's worth it.