Note: This was written to a very close friend, so some of the references are in 2nd person. It was also written over a social networking site so I did not put it in letter format. I felt that this forum was the best place to post this, as I was feeling pretty down when I wrote it. Actually that was like 10 mintues ago and I'm still feeling pretty crappy. I decided not to edit the letter simply because I think it sounds best written this way.
I really think I might be the idiot.
I was just having a long conversation with a freind at school about various things, which led me to write this letter.
During the past school year I noticed things were going pretty much like every other school i've been to social-wise. Some people seemed to enjoy talking to me and they later became people I talked to a lot, and then most others seemed to give off some kind of aura or something that for some reason I take offense of.
A lot of times when people seem to not like me I take it personally and when they try and joke around with me I instantly percieve it as an insult, since they're already in my "Probably just wants to make your life miserable," list. Then I actually insult them in response to their joke which causes them to laugh at me and then I realize how stupid I acted and try to patch things up, which 99% of the time fails.
Then with other kids it's the complete opposite. Like this kid i've known for a long time because my brother played baseball with his brother and we always hung out. I can talk to this kid like any other teenager, I joke and laugh and have a good time, you know? Same with you, we always have interesting conversations and I really enjoy and cherish our friendship. Some people, however aren't as good friends and see me acting like a jerk to some people and then decide that maybe I'm not so cool after all.
I guess what I'm getting at is I'm trying to figure out how to act around people that I don't think like me? Especially in person.
I guess my logic behind my perception of them insulting me is that since I don't think they like me, there's no reason they should really be making a joke to me, let alone talking to me. These are usually kids that seem to act really nice to me one day and then act like a complete jacka** to me the next. So it really confuses me, some kind of mind game or something. Kids who I'm almost positive don't like me I never talk to anyway. No matter what.
All in all, this eventually leads to me being hated by a good majority of kids and then still being really liked by the people I can actually be myself around. It just fustrates me that most people can't see that side, and a lot of the times I feel like I'm the reason they can't see that side and I need to learn when to shut up and when to joke around and when to just be casual.
It also fustrates me that it's only people like you who I really like that I can talk to about this because you acutally care about my problems, while the kids who I actually need the confirmation from don't give a crap.
People are very strange.
24 Jul 2009, 3:09 am
