Why does everyone always have to think it's sexual?

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I don't know where else to come with this. This goes far deeper than what has happened.

This is going to be very, very long and I hope there is someone who can understand what I am going through in its entirety.

Where to begin?

I have a friend who I have hung out with for the past 8 months or so. We were never really sexual partners but we liked being around each other. She has 2 kids, aged 5 and 8, and they were almost always around when we were together. Even though I didn't really want to be a romantic partner with this girl, I would often hang out with her, and we would do stuff with the kids. I enjoyed being around the kids and would often play with them when I came around, I pushed them on the swings, climbed on the playground equipment with them, etc.

It was all in fun; I just felt like I was being a good person because the kids didn't have a dad in their life and I could do that. I mean, I'm only a big kid myself, and I feel a sense of belonging when I can help like that. I have always been popular with kids and tend to gravitate toward them because I have so much trouble in adult relationships.

It is a gravitation that I have learned to despise.

I have always had to be careful about people who do not understand my autism, and my peculiar tendencies. People who think I "don't look right" around the kids. Nine years ago I worked at a summer day camp with school-age kids, and a day-care worker who observed me interacting with the children went to the police and had me arrested and removed from the camp. She convinced them in her report that I was gaining sexual gratification from picking them up, carrying them piggyback, letting them ride arund on me in the swimming pool, etc., etc. The charges were eventually dismissed but not before a total nightmare ensued with my parents fighting a legal battle that I did not then understand.

I guess I just do not have the ability to understand what doesn't look right to other people. I feel like if I am not doing anything wrong, then I don't need to be looking out. And so sometimes I'm not looking out when I need to be.

For a long time after that I was bitter, reclusive. I was afraid to be around kids despite the fact that they were the people I best dentified with, and couldn't hang with most adults, save just a handful and my immediate family. I grew as depressed from being alone as I had been when I was in legal trouble. I soon had to accept that what had happened was just bad judgment on my part and that I had to get back out there.

Well I got better, but this girl's kids have gotten me into trouble again. Last week, a neighbor at the apartments called Child Protective Services and turned me in because I was letting my friend's youngest girl sit on my lap in the swing. It was against my better judgment, but this was the way her mom had swung with her, and the kid begged me, so I said OK. That was mistake number one. I made mistake number two because at the time I didn't know that this neighbor was watching me and that she would turn me in. I made mistake number two by staying over that night because I lived out of town and needed to be in town the next morning. We put the kids to bed that night by watching cartoons with them in their beds until they went to sleep. The kids' beds are in the same room, so my friend laid with the older daughter in one bed, and I with the younger one in the other bed. This wouldn't have even come up but when CPS started questioning my friend, she spilled out that I had "slept" with the younger girl. This was not accurate, but it has made the case troubling.

But what really got me into trouble was that for some reason, when the officers asked the girl if I had touched her private area, she told them that I had. Now I never touched her inappropriately at any time, so I don't know why she told them that, but she did, and I had to go in for interrogation about the whole thing. I did much better in interrogation than I did nine years ago and basically just told the truth, as I had been advised to do bt my pastor, because I had nothing really to hide. But it all feels eerily similar to last time where I went in for interrogation and they sent me home, only to decide to file charges and arrest me 3 weeks later.

At this point no charges have been filed and really they are only working with the word of a 5-year old against my word. But I still am torn up over it. Not only for obvious reasons, but also it has torn me from one of my good friends and robbed me of any sense of belonging I'd had.

I mean, I have known for 10 years that my life was odd, and peculiar, and that I couldn't survive without some sort of "normal" relationships. But I always gravitate more towards children whe they are around. I can't go back into hiding and I am going to be afraid to get near kids probably forever this time. I am old enough now (30) where most new friends I make are going to have kids so I can't get close to anyone near my age, especially not from church because they all have families now and I can't run the risk of befriending any more kids.

And then there's the question of whether I will have another legal battle on my hands. I am really overwhelmed here. I'm really confused, and really wondering if I even have a place in the world.

The thing is... as for the whole sexual thing, I have pretty much accepted that I can't manage an adult (a.k.a. sexual) relationship. So I don't really need another human being to take care of my sexual desires. It isn't necessary and so I have learned to take care of myself.

But I also need interpersonal interaction. Now that I have known it, I am determined to get better at it and not be alone. Unfortunately I do need other humans around for that. And because my social level matches the more concrete thinking of children more so than the almost entirely abstract and political type thinking of most successful adults, I gravitate to kids. And just because I befriend them doesn't mean that they are sexual objects.

Why does no one understand that? Do I belong here at all?

Someone help.

Your story kinda reminds me of Michael Jackson. Incidentally, did anyone else think that MJ might be autistic?

I think that what the problem is, is that some autistic people are not capable of adult relationships but most normal people don't understand that we're not. So most normal people think that if an autistic person touches a kid or lies in bed with a kid that it's sexual because if it was a normal person, yeah, it may well be sexual, but if you're autistic and you don't understand sex, and sexuality and stuff like that, it means nothing.

Normal people don't understand. Believe me, I've been on the other side as I said somewhere else where I've laid in bed with normal people and they've come onto me big style but I didn't expect it because I don't understand intimate relationships.

I don't believe for one minute that when MJ laid in bed with those kids it was sexual and now they're even turning round and telling the truth.

Normal kids are sexualised from a young age so you or me could never understand what's going through their minds.

I defo think you should be strong and explain to them that you are autistic and it's different.

I love kids and I love playing and I especially love climbing frames but I would draw the line at letting a kid in my bed because you never know what they might say afterwards and how it might be interpreted by normal people.

Be strong and I hope it gets sorted.

Sam x

I'm just so tired of trying.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you, especially as something similar has happened before.

In terms of this specific incident, it would probably be sensible for you to get some legal advice. The little girl's comments about you touching her privates may mean that this is taken further. A lot depends on how the little girl was questioned, how much was suggested to her, and how her comments could be interpreted. It may be that you need to challenge that formally. It's quite possible that the little girl agreed with something that was said to her so they would stop asking her questions, or that she has described some innocent action in a way which has been misinterpreted. Maybe she once dropped food or ice-cream in her lap and you helped her clean herself up. She may have been thinking of something like that when she was asked if you had touched her. What a child says can be misinterpreted by adults who are looking for something sinister.

I think you should speak to your pastor as well so that you have some support at this time.

Tell me about it,

There are just certain times when you can't be too careful.

I can think of times myself when my neighbour's little girl has come in my flat because she loves to listen to my music and go on my mac and there's been no one else there. I didn't even think about the risk at the time but it only takes the little one to say something silly if prompted.

Kids are highly sexualised nowadays too, like I reckon my neighbour's 7 year old knows more about it than I do!

You just have to try to put it behind you and try not to get in that situation again.

I think it's a big disadvantage of AS that you don't learn by instinct only from your own mistakes.

Sam x

Familiar Thread

Maybe That's why

Those people are idiots. It's no different than a dad doing it with his kids what you did. About the five year old who said you touched her private part, were you giving her a bath and you were washing her body? That would explain it because you do have to wash their private parts also so that would explain the misunderstanding between her and the officer. Five year olds still take things literal. The officer should have asked next when did you touch her there and what was she doing then.


Man the whole thing sucks, now it's like you can't hang out with kids at all or else people misread you and you get harassed by the police.

It's rather like Michael Jackson, or Charles Dodgson (Lewis Carroll), while I can understand why some adults enjoy the company of children, clearly you are easily set up in these situations and you would be better off having nothing to do with children or their parents. If you continue to seek out children for friendship/companionship then more of these situations will arise. 'Odd' people around children is always going to attract suspicion so you need to drop it.

The whole thing sucks, because it probably was one of those cases where the police lead the kid on, pestering them until they say what they want to hear. And kids will usually say what an adult wants to hear. And when crap like this happens and innocent people are blamed, it removes the seriousness of real abuse. When stuff like this happens and it turns out that the police pretty much forced the kid to say something, it's that much less seriously the kid who really has been abused will be taken.
The problem is that sociopaths are good at acting innocent. An abusive sociopath is far more convincing when they're lying than an autistic is when they're telling the truth. The cops should know this.
The problem is that the whole "how to tell when someone is lying" thing breaks down with both autistics and sociopaths. According to those guidelines, autistics always seem like they're lying, and sociopaths never seem like they're lying.. unless of course they want to.
I don't really know what else to say.. it stinks for you, it stinks for the kids.. Kinda makes you wish you could record what's going on in your head, and play back your thoughts for everyone to see what idiots they're being with this. I mean, how do you prove your good intentions when people with bad intentions are more convincing?

I can can relate to being more comfortable around younger people, it's easy to understand where they're coming from and they aren't quick to judge. Unfortunately I don't act friendly with them just because I've heard every pedaphile scare and I don't even want to look like one. This must be like the communism from the 50's. People already guard their children closely in public, it's just a protective instinct, and given current events, I can't blame the lack of security, every week there's a report of some pedophile burying a 6 year old, it just gives everyone the chills. What I don't like is when other people take it on themselves to accuse people they don't even know. My aunt had CPS called on her because her child's red face was mistaken for a slap mark, by some mormon "visiting teachers" Ironically, a friend of mine can't seem to get custody of her kids from a complete psychopath, it seems like the best liar wins in these situations and an AS can't lie. The pedaphile stigma is so bad that people will turn a deaf ear before they turn an empathetic one. I'm really sorry the world works that way. You can fight this though, it's just an unfair battle.

yeah, children gravitate towards autistic adults too, i'm a 'kiddy magnet', they think i'm a magical person, so i have to reject their interest and hose down their ideas about me, as I know it will all go horribly wrong if i encourage them. i'm a woman so i'm not usually suspected of anything untoward, but you have to bear in mind that people are very sensitive about their kids and who they take a shine to - there can be jealousy from a parent that their children bond with us so easily and their jealousy can translate into any number of ugly situations including accusations of an alarming nature.

This is so true, for me as well. Babies always smile at me, as if I were their long lost friend, as I stand in the check-out line at the grocery store.
Once, I shared a house with another woman and 2 kids; a 7 year old boy, and a 12 year old girl. I also had a 12 year old daughter. The woman had recently lost her husband, and was spoiling her kids to the max. I have always enjoyed playing with kids-like other Aspies here I just can relate to them so well. Anyway, I could tell that this woman was jealous of her son, and her vibes always made me feel guilty, as if I were being inappropriate, even though I was only reading to him, or playing hide and go seek.

The interesting thing about this situation, though, was that the woman was far more inappropriate than I. She took baths with her son, and he slept with her at night. The reason I found this inappropriate, was because she didn't set clear boundaries. Once, while I was reading to him, he touched my breast. I had to explain that it wasn't polite to touch people there, with out their permission. He responded that his mother let him touch her breasts all the time!8O

I've had kids in the supermarket checkout queue gaze at me from their perch in the trolley and ask their mother "Mummy, is that the Queen?" referring to lil ole me. I tend to joke it off, like my response was "The queen of what?" to which they replied 'ummmm....everything?" so....

One time I babysat my nephews and they went into their bedroom and shut the door and they were in there for a while and they came out in fancy dress, you know they put all their 'holiday' clothes on an dressed up and paraded for me which was fun and nice. When their parents came home they accused me of molestation because the kids were dressed in different clothing. so...

A lot of it does boil down to parental jealousy over a kid forming a bond with another adult.

I also played with younger kids when I was growing up. I played with them up till age of 18. When we lived in Montana we didn't live in a neighborhood so I didn't play with any little kids until we got next door neighbors in our rental house and they had two younger kids. I played with them. Then when I was an adult, I decided no more because I was an adult now and adults can't play with kids because it's bad I was told. It be creepy if I went over next door to play with their kids. I don't want any false assumptions and any bad reputations. But now I have nephews and a niece now and they said I'm a cool aunt because I have all these video games. Shame they don't live nearby by, they could come over any time to play and they be socially acceptable for me to play with because they are family.

Grown ups who play with kids who aren't related to them, I think they are brave and have the nerve because they are risking it.

Well I had gotten too comfortable because I had known this girl (the mom) for several months and we had gotten close. So her family was sort of becoming my family. Things that would have been touchy had I been a stranger were becoming more "normal" as we all got closer. It was just a total shock.

The problem for me now is that if I come out of this bitter and paranoid, as is possible at best, then I will fall into the same depression that I did when I was reclusive before. I must find others like me, or at least sympathetic toward me, so I can have a way to escape the longing for human contact.

My pastor has been very supportive; in fact he may very well have saved my life the day this all started. We have become very close through all of this and I am very appreciative of that.

But I'm tired of feeling like I don't want to be alive. There has to be a place where I will feel at home, and without the suspicions from outsiders. It's needless to say that I will never trust a person with children again, so I must find another avenue if I'm going to keep myself going.

With me it's the opposite. Kids don't particularly like me, except for relatives. Strangers who happen to be kids act creeped out by me. They shy away from what I think are body language oddities, and they are grossed out when they see me spit. I couldn't relate to kids even when I was a kid. Older adults are where it's at for me, and I've always been that way. All the better, I suppose. I have been warned not to go into a bathroom alone with a kid. I would never think of this being a necessity to protect myself in some way. My natural reaction is to ignore people, especially in a bathroom, so it just never occurs to me. It's kind of weird now that I think about it.