I used to post here awhile back, not sure what the name of my account was or even what email address I used. I stopped talking to people online because I thought it was keeping me from getting to know people in the real world. In the last few months, I have hardly talked to anyone online or in the real world. I've been upset about a lot of things in my life, but I haven't had anyone to talk to about it. Eventually I thought of this place.
I'm not even sure where to begin... Well a big part of this is I'm concerned about my future. I'm not sure if I have one, or at least the bright sort of future I'd like to have. I am 22 years old and haven't had a good job yet. Neither one that paid well, or one where I felt that anything I did was valued. I'm going to college but lets face it, what am I going to do with a business degree? Why I chose business is a story in itself but it pretty much came down to this...
I joined the army when I was 17, I got out early because my personal issues were becoming a bit too much to deal with. I'm on the GI bill and its the only degree I can get that I see any possible benefit for myself. All of the other degrees the college offers are either pointless ( you can get a degree but it won't lead to a better job) or would require me to go to schooling for a few years more, something I don't have the funding for. Even at that I'll only have an associates degree, which is not worth much. Now, some really ambitous people might be able to do something with that, but my other issues have been becoming an even bigger problem lately...
I've been denying this part to everyone, even myself. In fact, I'm not even sure I realized until recently this was abnormal. I live with my mom and ten of my twelve brothers and sisters. They are enjoying a cruise in Jamaica thanks to my grandpa, I did not go because it would have required me not to take any college classes over the summer, if I don't take classes I don't get paid. If I don't get paid well... I do have some bills, it doesn't take me a lot of money to get by, but I can't get by on nothing. Anyways, being alone got me thinking about things...
I haven't told anyone this, but I am honestly afraid every night before I go to sleep that someone is watching me. I've felt this way since I was around ten years old. Every single night, I wonder if someone will rape/castrate/kill me. I remember when I was a kid, people joked about stuff like that, they joked about those things happening to people, I still hear people joke about it. I never joke about it, I live in constant fear that whatever I deem unbearable will happen to me. I have lots of other fears, but they come and go. Those ones never really go.
I am afraid of a lot of things that I can reason don't really exist. I often wonder if through miracle of science I am now in another dimension where words have different meanings, and I will be murdered the second I open my mouth for saying something extremely offensive. I've wondered this off and on since I watched Sliders when I was 13. All the time the idea occurs to me that I might suddenly be in an alternate dimension no rhyme or reason.
I often wonder if things will ever be okay. I didn't grow up the way I should have, I'm a product of really weird circumstances. I have no idea if whats wrong with me is genetic or a product of my environment. Regardless of how good or bad my life might be going, I am in a state of constant fear over things that will probably never happen to me.
02 Aug 2009, 2:29 am
