Lost my Grandmother Sunday...

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Um, I don't know why I'm writing this here but perhaps I could get some insight into the situation...

Last Wednesday, I had an awful dream that I was at my grandfather's (papa's) house and was talking to him and my Granny was there too, but I knew she was dead in the dream. Only Papa and I could see her, but I just knew that she was dead. she talked normal and also sounded so happy, no snapping or anything like I felt she did to me a lot.... and I remember that the fact that there was so much food was the reason I knew she had died... I don't know why bringing foo to the survivers of a household is tradition, but it is, well, later that same night, she fell and broke her hip bone and they got her to hospital and gave her A LOT of pain meds until they could do surgery... the did the surgery thursday, and she was still hurting REALLY bad that night...

Anyway, as I said on another thread, I got out of the "mental" ward friday and then went to see her saturday... in fact, I pestered mom until she gave up and went to see her, telling her that "Logically, you're not contagous because your breathing thing is related to you smoking AND asthma. Can we PLEASE go I want to see Granny." So we went.

Granny was in EXTREMELY good spirits, hurting, but sounding happy, if not making too much sense... she'd say lots of random stuff, as much as I do, but it's just not normal for her to do that.... does that make sense? Anyway, I took my 5 o'clock morning which make me VERY sleepy so, I laid back down for a wee bit. Then, Mom yells out that my grandmother has died, me being still basicaly asleep didn't understand what he hell was going on and thenran in there to see if I heard correct. I had.

So we get to the ICU and she's gone, and everyone, including mom's crying horribly which makes me uncofortable because I had no reaction... I couldn't react. I knew I should maybe do or say or anything, but I just sat there rocking. I feel horrible because I couldn't react and it's still not real to me. Not all the way anyway. I know it is, but it's just like, "another one's gone now." I know that has to sound awful, but could that be why I've been having so many meltdowns this week? I don't know, I guess I feel guilty maybe, for not being able to react to her dying.


Hugs,
~Eilidh

I have a couple of theories. One is on a sort of superficial level. You already grieved the loss of your biological grandmother years ago, and you have never felt accepted into your adopting family. However what i really think was happening, is you're a very sensitive empath kiddo. You were surrounded by many grieving people who were no doubt spewing out hoards of negative emotion. I think even I might be overwhelmed by that. I expect your mind was trying to shut down somewhat to protect itself. Also you had just taken your morning medication, which makes you groggy. Give yourself a break kiddo. Let yourself off the hook.

I'm sorry for your loss.

About not being able to cry, it might not be guilt causing the meltdowns, it could be your way of expressing grief. Everyone feels and expresses grief differently, recognise that this might be the case for you. Crying is a common expression of grief but is not the only way of expressing grief.