Do Your Achievements Mean Nothing (or Almost Nothing) to You

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There's a scene in many movies where someone wins the spelling bee, places first in a race, wins the lottery, etc. then upon hearing the news breaks out their best gameshow winning smile and victory dance and acts (perhaps feels) radiantly happy.

I'm wondering if I'm the only one who doesn't know what that's like, someone who tends to acknowledge their "win" from an emotional distance, then instantly files it away by usefulness (is it resume fodder, a useful skill, or a mere trivial win to be forgotten)?

I'm not sure if it's because of an AS disconnect with some of my feelings, low self esteem caused by undermining parents, an inability to live in the present (rather than living in the future or the past) or whatnot.

Ever experience something like this?

sure,total apathy toward winning or loosing,many AS shares this "trait",some parents and health pro's dedicate a lot of effort in order to fix that trait but personally i think it's a great attitude toward life and the world would be a much better place if more people would have such a balanced way of looking at think
been told it's because i have a low self esteem or destructive tendency but i think it reflects AS having a much smaller ego then NT

that has happened to me.

eg.
There is an award for effort awarded every year at my school (senior campus)
In year 11 I won this award.
The people around me made a bigger deal then I did.

All of the above, except that I don't see it as a "disconnect."

For one thing, for me, the logic kicks in sooner than the emotion. It's not that I don't have feelings, but that I understand them and can control them.

For another, I don't value many of the things that others value. The things I am proud of or ashamed of are not what others would expect.

If you suggest that I am "smart" because I am able to tie my own shoes, that does not qualify as praise. It's insulting. I don't want to say so, because at first I honestly believe you are stupid and I don't want to hurt your feelings. I need to puzzle over that one for a while, until the moment is lost. So, what comes out seems neutral, indifferent.

After I've had time to think about it, I often conclude that most of the crap that people throw at me in the guise of "praise" is manipulative. It certainly was when I was a little kid, with incompetent teachers attempting to control with empty praise and gold stars. In their minds, it was "behavior modification." To me, it was insultingly transparent.

I was always baffled by the sight of other kids, lapping it up and going back for more. I didn't get it and was disgusted by it. It reminded me of the game we played with the dog: You say "good dog" in a stern, angry tone and the dog cowers and looks guilty. Then you say "bad dog" in a gentle, soothing tone and pat him on the head, and he's happy again.

The biggest difference is in the notion that everyone wants to belong. Nope. I'm not eager to join a group that I don't like. I don't have that fear-of-rejection button with people I don't know or care about.

I'm backward. This is an over-simplification, but I hope you get the idea. Most people, when they meet someone new, have questions that they ask in this order: (1) Do You like me? (2) Do I like you? (3) Do you respect me? (4) Do I respect you?
When I meet someone new, my first question is, "Do you I respect you?" When I get done with that, I care what you think and want to know, "Do you respect me?" If we're good on both counts, then I can decide "Do I like you?" Last is the question, "Do You like me?" It takes so long that, by the time I get through all that, any potential friend has usually give up on me and moved on, baffled.

No I don't get this. My achievements are among the few things that make it worth going on. However, the resulting feelings and their expression seem to be of a more subdued nature than those of many people; although, where I live they don't exactly go overboard celebrating their achievements anyway.

There always seems to be an element of:
you're only happy because I did it your way
the result would be n times better if you'd listened to me
I'm sorry the result wasn't better - I can see fifteen ways now that it could be improved

- from an aspie viewpoint (or, at least, from mine) what I'm getting praised for never seems to be what I see that I've done well.

I have two master's degrees with a 3.9 average. School has always been easy for me, so I never considered it a big deal, although others have. I was 21-23 when I did my grad school work and I haven't been able to build a career since.

Still, I got the World History award in 10th grade and the French award in 9th grade for being the best student that year and I was very proud.

Another part I've forgotten is that I'm hesitant to brag because I've learned to expect condemnation and ridicule from certain people, no matter what I do. If I did it, it is automatically bad, specifically because I did it. If someone else does the same thing, it's celebrated. It's not about what, but about who. The issue is never the issue. It's all just an excuse to manipulate and oppress.

Let me guess: You (A) share much of the value system of those around you. And (B) You live in a cold-climate culture, or the people who have had the most influence on you are descended from a cold-climate culture. Scandinavian?

Most people have a warped value system. From what I can tell, it's either based on herd instinct (fascism, manifest destiny, identity politics...) or it's an ego-centric value system -- things are good or bad relative to what's good or bad for that individual, and to hell with everyone else. It's a "theory of mind" thing. (Most humans are so vile.)

Yes. Namely overcoming certain adversities at the last minute (the problem scenarios still haunt me to this day) and my high school graduation. The second I went home to my graduation party, I felt it was pointless.

Southern England. However, my subdued feelings and expressions are still a bit more subdued than those around me, which suggests some of it is innate. I also keep more of my achievements private and get reminded I have to sell them more to improve my prospects. When I referred to where I lived, I was only thinking of those I have encountered in my immediate vicinity, not beyond. I have certainly seen the opposite behaviour (i.e., being very expressive about their achievements) from a few others in this same country on TV. Perhaps it is encouraged more in their families or social groups. In my own family, my achievements are often overlooked or forgotten; for example, the day I shared my university exam results, my family paid no attention. Also, a few of those I graduated with were reluctant to attend their graduation ceremony, expressing no great sense of achievement; they only attended because others expected them to.

A very interesting question. I suppose compared to many women my age, I have accomplished a lot. I was able to retire at the age of 40. I'm respected in the volunteer work I do now.

But as you suggest, those things mean very little to me, other than being grateful for not having to work like a slave any longer.

The main thing I feel a sense of accomplishment for is my children. In a way, that seems funny to me ... making babies requires no special talent beyond being born with a uterus. But helping them to grow and develop into fine young ladies makes me feel prouder than anything else I've ever done.

I wish I could achieve something like that, Carole. I'd love more time to pursue my interests and do positive things for others.

I've spent most of my life wanting a degree. I finally got one, last summer. And now it just feels like a piece of paper, and I don't know what to do with my life. There are other things which I've done that have faded in significance less slowly, but it's like you can't dine out for life on one story, you know?

Well, I happen to think that's a wonderful achievement. Like marriage, it's far, far more than just the "piece of paper." It will affect your entire life. Congratulations!

Thanks Carole! Actually, it did - it got me a good job. I'm not sure if I want to make a career of it, but it's a start.

As an Aspie Pessimist, I see a "Win" as a suprise, and always expect to lose. That way, if you do lose you won't feel disappointed.

It's only when my mum tells me all the great things I've done that I start to acknowledge my "achievements", such as recovering from my attempted suicide etc.

Look at all the famous Hollywood movie stars.

They are rich. They are good looking. They make millions of dollars. Everyone admires them. Millions of people lust after them.

So why are they so screwed up?
Why the drug problems and the divorces and the arrests and getting admitted to psych hospitals?

If it isn't enough to be young and famous and rich and worshiped by millions then where does that leave US?