on the brink

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I love my job so much, and I want to be the best at it. And I seem to be doing well when it comes to big things (I work in a production company): Shooting, editing. But it's the little office tasks they give me that trips me up. I try to tell myself I'm human and I make mistakes, and I try to learn, and yet i keep making mistakes, and this little voice in my head keeps telling me what a loser I am, what I failure I am, that no one wants me, needs me, loves me, because I am not worthy of it.

All I've got is this job, and I'm terrified of losing it. And in this economy, with my skillset, I'll be rendered worthless (more so). I'm terrified of what that may bring: I'll have nothing, and I will be a big disappointment, a failure, to all I know. My life will be over. For the first time in my life I've begun to contemplate killing myself, if it all falls apart. Sure, a few people will be sad, but only marginally more so than they would be if I were alive, but a jobless loser.

In my case, I look at it this way - as long as I'm alive there's a chance it will improve.
It might be a good chance, might be a slim chance; but there is a chance.
And I'm willing to hang around to see if it happens.

Besides, if I'm dead I'll never get to finish my model trains.


Oh, I hate to come across like I'm getting on your case: are you sure that's an accurate assessment?
Not something distorted by fear and depression?
I ask because I've done that.
And my stepson is currently doing that.