Brick wall of text. I need to know how this sounds.

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I wrote this about half an hour ago. I'm calmer now, but I need to know if this means anything to strangers, how it sounds, what impression you get. Oh yeah, I'm new here. As in, less than an hour new. I found this sight through the Asperger's page on Wikipedia. Yeah, I'm one of those who Wiki everything, whatever. This is a pain to read, but if anyone cares, bear with it. This is something I feel I need to know. I don't even care anymore if this is f'ed up, I'm pretty much at my limits already. I'm probably gonna be really, really embarassed so I sure as hell hope this is worth it
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honestly don't know what's going to happen to me anymore. It's not just that I have low self esteem, because I know my own merits- just that I have a really hard time believing in them.

It's not like I don't want to socialize with my classmates, it's just that I don't know what the hell I'm going to say. I'm really bad at this! I watch them and I hear them and they are so normal and funny and comfortable with themselves and with their friends! I can't even look my own friends in the eye because I'm always staring off somewhere whether I'm conscious of it or not. I don't seem to understand things that other people do, sometimes I just don't get it.

I even talk weird, sometimes even to the point of incoherency. Lately I've developed that habit of muttering to myself or cursing softly to myself. I can't talk to people and the fact that I have a disinegrating group of friends whom I get along with is something of a blessing despite the trouble I go through to get along with them on some occasions.
It's not my high school social life that worries me the most, it's my future. I know I'm not unintelligent, but at this age I'm not as practical and capable as I ought to be and I know it's my fault but I can't help but feel like if I don't have to worry about things like, "What the hell am I gonna do with myself?" it would be easier for me to concentrate.

I went out with my uncle and cousins today and I tried so freakin hard to me talkative and funny and sociable but I ended up talking too much and embarassing myself maybe about three times.

And I can't explain why they all giggled when my uncle brought up the subject of how I read so many books and why my cousin was sarcastic when I mentioned that I love Harry Potter. It's a struggle because I can't tell if what I'm saying is okay or not because other times I can't tell if the person thinks I'm funny or if I'm lame. I think it would have been so much easier if I actually didn't want friends and I knew how to get by without them (but this is high school, for christ's sake, is that even possible) but I DON'T, I don't know how to deal with people and sometimes I find that I can which makes me happy and gives me a little confidence but it's not enough to live on those few occasions when I think I'm gonna be okay.

I've been carrying this around for a year now, I think I'm jaded already because I find that for everything I suffer through I feel a murderous rage that makes me calmer for some reason and then suddenly I don't care anymore after a while.

The thing is, I'm sick of having to be the one to make allowances for myself, I'm sick of being big and awkward, I'm sick of not being able to put an expression on my face, I'm sick of not feeling anything above gratefulness to my parents, I'm just TIRED because I'm fifteen this year and it's not easy to feel so little sometimes and to feel so intensely other times and to be so easily misunderstood and to have to tangible skill and to only feel good when someone says something nice to you and to not know how to talk to people or to react or to be so freaking awkward all the time and to think of nothing but anime because most other things are so darn painful to think of and I'm so bitter because I'm wasting my life away and I'm trying to reverse it and I can't because for that to happen I need people to know how I am and make allowances for that and TELL me how to talk and act because gosh, I don't know.
Actually, I do, technically, I do know, but I just can't do it right, I can't do it right and I'm frustrated and these feelings aren't all that I have but I know this isn't very cohesive and that to another stranger this looks like the ranting of an emotional adolescent and I hate it but maybe if I had more eloquence it would be easier to express what I'm saying but I don't know because, well because I never really learned and it would be a lie to say that I don't know why because I really do think I have a real problem and I need therapy. Even if I didn't I want it and I don't know if that will ever happen and it's become something of an obsession lately.

Fifteen views and no replies. I can't say I'm surprised. I'll be deleting this tomorrow if I get no replies. I'm not pissed at the world right now, just a bit...bleh. Whatever.

Welcome to Wrong Planet liriaren

I scanned your post. Stream of consciousness is hard for me to read but I got the gist. I think you have plenty of company here in how you're feeling about life. I'm older and a little more forgiving of my social deficits and I'm more inclined now to think I avoid socializing because I find it exhausting. I hope you stick around. Sometimes it takes a while to get a response particularly if you haven't asked a specific question. But you are not alone there either; there have been threads about feeling anxious about getting replies. I am alternately blase and paranoid about my post's responses. Sometimes I feel like there's an inner clique here too, I guess that happens naturally, but anyway there is plenty of room for you!

Seriously, thanks. I know it's a lot to ask for someone to read it but I don't really know any way else.

I've been learning to be more considerate of my own shortcomings, but it sucks to have to be the only one to reassure myself that I'm doing what I can and it's not entirely my fault. Thank you and I've been feeling so much better reading what other people have to say in their threads.
Seriously, thank you. I feel a little less f'ed up now. And I also realized that this isn't the kind of thread that's easy to reply to.

It makes me feel bad to be unacknowledged too. My family used to interrupt me at the dinner table just to piss me off. I've read threads here too where people feel like they are completely ignored in conversations IRL. I've got a current issue with Facebook and relatives not responding to me.

The folks at WP are nice though-I don't think anyone is purposefully ignoring you.

Yeah, I was never pissed at them for that reason. If I felt anger, it was all directed at myself because it's not their fault that I made it hard for anyone to reply. I usually get cut off or ignored to but I've learned to block the pain and embarrasment of it simply because it happens far too often for it to cut deep every time it happens.

I write this to let you know, that I'm not ignoring you. I've just read the thread, and I'm thinking of a good reply. However I'm not sure how to answer this.
Not other than, I can relate to some of it. I had a baaaad time at that age (and even worse a couple of years ealier).
I think in a couple of years, you'll be doing a little better. Small steps is the way forward, just make sure you do what YOU want.

I'm sure you will be warm welcomed here at WP!

Hey, do you have any good interests?
Like computers maybe?
You are saying watching anime. Well anime can be very wide, can you specify? (i.e. giving an example)

Interests, yes. It's talking about them in what is considered a coherent manner that troubles me. Though I find that I like posting in this forum very much : ) : ) : )

It looks really interesting, but I can't read something in that form... meaning a huge block of words.
Visually, I start reading and the words all start to blend together.

I need to break it apart into smaller paragraphs in order to get through it.

This is just me and how I intake things.

When people post here on WP and string all their sentences together without paragraph breaks, I can't even make it through a regular post unless I chop it up into more manageable pieces.

It really was just a stream of thought...it was steam that I needed out.

Welcome home.

Your scream of consciousness made perfect sense, and I'd say the issues you talk about are pretty normal for a 15 year old aspie. It's rough.

But it gets better, and there are skills you can learn. Finding a good therapist would make it easier, but you can find a lot of good information here at WrongPlanet, and in books, and you can make up your own techniques.

The different brain wiring means that aspies usually have a completely different way of processing social interaction. Once you understand the differences, you can learn work-arounds, and you can avoid the most difficult situations. Emotional reactions also get re-directed in weird ways, but again, once you realize what the brain is doing, it's easier to get them back where they belong.

Take little steps. Build skills one at a time, brick by brick.