I don't want to be me.

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I know that the reason may be that they have no empathy, but what's up with all this BS from people with professional diagnoses about how undiagnosed people "want" to be autistic? I don't understand how it can be so hard to grasp that people want to be able to explain why they are the way they are. I don't want to be me, I don't want to be the way I am, but I don't have any freaking choice about it. All I WANT is to know why. What else would it possibly be? I've been treated for everything else, and none of it made any sense! Finally I find something that actually explains everything I've gone through, and the fact that professionals don't know much about it explains why they could never figure out what was wrong with me, but that same fact also makes it nearly impossible to get a diagnosis, not to mention the fact that there aren't services for adults with it, so no professional sees any POINT in making a diagnosis anyway. But the fact that it's the only thing that explains all the problems I've had means I WANT to be autistic? I've spent my whole life wishing I weren't me, wishing I were anybody else besides myself. I don't want to be me.. I just am. I wish I weren't. I've spent my whole life trying not to be me, but it doesn't change anything.
It's not like I'd get anything out of a diagnosis besides the possible approval of a few jerks.

Is that what someone said to you? That's terrible and unprofessional but it doesn't surprise me that much, I've had some awful experiences with so-called professionals over the years, esp. when I was in my teens. I think many of them have no idea what they're doing. Wish I could be of more help...

Yeah it is hurtful when people with AS say stuff like that. Makes me feel bad too, like NTs wont accept me and then AS people wont either. But the majority of people I have met with AS didnt question me, they seemed accepting enough as they know that it is a spectrum and some people are less AS than others. The funny thing is that NTs are more likely to see my traits than an aspie, as I dont appear so different to them as I do to an NT.

The only part of what I said that was about what professionals have said about the possibility of my having an ASD was the not-much-point-in-diagnosing part. I was seeing a therapist for a little while (she was fairly nice, but expensive and not too helpful) and she asked me what getting a diagnosis would do for me. And thinking about it, the answer is "nothing." It's not like there are particular treatments I'd be eligible for if I got a diagnosis, and there aren't any ASD specialists locally, so it's not even like I could get therapy aimed at it. She also thought it was irrelevant to analyze why I frequently come off in ways that I don't understand. Because obviously it's so much more important to talk about my childhood, as I have twelve billion other times, than to talk about problems I actually currently have. (It wasn't like she wanted information about my childhood or anything.. my mom had written some stuff before I went in, and I'd talked about the informational side of it.. she wanted to do the whole "did your parents fail you?" BS.)
But her point that a diagnosis wouldn't help anything was quite valid. What would it really prove? I can't ask my parents to pay for an evaluation that wouldn't even do anything. And after the psychologist who told me that seeing a campfire in an inkblot makes me extremely disturbed, I don't exactly consider psychological testing valid.

I know that everything about autism explains everything that's never been explained about me. I knew it was more than just ADD, that depression didn't explain it, that therapy didn't help.. before I even seriously considered or researched anything about autism, I'd started saying that the problem had never been well-identified but that the root of my problems were "mainly social." Then once I got past the normal confusions about autism, I realized that that explained it. I don't know what would make that sure, though. It's not like having an "official" diagnosis would make me sure of it, cause I think psychological testing is a load of BS anyway.
Then there are all the people around here who get on some high horse about how people who aren't diagnosed just "want to be autistic." As though I want to be me.

I recommend staying out of the recent threads containing trolls. You're not the only one being affected by them. Believe me, they are not worth an ounce of your consideration or reasonable responses.

In the end, AS is a label. Those who cling so tightly to it as something that entirely defines them will invariably find themselves limited by it.

Who do you wanna be then? Trust me, when I say you don´t wanna be me. Do you wanna be dead, or do you wanna live?
I do wish you the best, dearest.


Disclaimer: Above statement is meant to be a poetic response, and not in any way intended to be a breach of any law, criminal or civil in the countrys affected.

You're right about that.. it's just so difficult!


Um, I'm going to answer the obvious question that I want to be somebody who is acceptable..
I don't understand what you meant, though, why that statement was poetic, or what laws you might break if it weren't poetic. (Or was it a quote from something?)

being young is not easy when you have autism traits,

even now i find little notes hidden i wrote when i was young, somewhere in one or other drawer, where i try to understand who i was or what i did on this planet.

being a bit older life is a bit easier, not that the autism goes away, but there are so much more things put into place (i could say 'labeled')

and that's what a diagnosis does, it tells you in what direction you have to search your answers,
especially cause autism is so different from other issues (but if you feel you don't need to have a diagnosis to know you have autism then you can search for yourself in that same direction, only for some people it might be easier if other people are convinced of the same)

I guess saying, "Do you wanna be dead?", could be seen as a threat...That was it, pretty much.

You wanna be "acceptable". It´s a good idea, but you can´t really change who you are, right? I don´t really know why you don´t feel accepted, perhaps it´s about how people interact with you or something.

But like you said, of course you want to know what´s going on. It´s not like you want a diagnosis just for fun, or whatever. I agree with you here. You just wanna know why thing are the way they are.

Oh, ok.. then I didn't actually miss that much.

But I mean.. maybe when I was younger, a "official" diagnosis could have helped for me to be entitled to help in school, but now, I think all it would mean was that I was officially autistic, I guess so more people here would accept me. I've gone through the rest of the DSM, and while I fit criteria for some other stuff, the reasoning is all wrong. For example, I have a fear of abandonment, but when someone with BPD has that, they act crazy, and it's irrational because they form relationships so quickly anyway. It's pretty natural that someone who has trouble forming relationships would be afraid of abandonment. Even though I haven't talked to her much in recent years, I still have the same best friend I had in high school, and not being in contact doesn't change how we feel about each other. Pretty much all of the personality disorder symptoms I have come back to a root in autism. But when I was a kid, and even later, everyone thought autism meant mental retardation, so nobody considered it. And my stimming is very subtle to anyone whose ear canal isn't physically outmatched to my head. I'm just as sure that I have an ASD as if I got a "professional diagnosis".. it's just trolls that say otherwise, I guess.


That makes sense.. but I'm not sure that it would make a difference. There aren't autism specialists in my area, so even if I went a long distance to get a diagnosis, I don't think it would make help any more accessible. It's not like I'd then be able to find a therapist who would want to talk about issues I actually have. And I'm freaking sick of therapy. It's boring. I've been to years and years of therapy, and I end up looking at my watch an awful lot, hoping the 50 minutes will be up soon. It's awfully expensive for something that doesn't actually DO anything.

And what would it mean? Some people are diagnosed, and then later find out they don't really have it. Like how Jerod the www.crazymeds.us guy was diagnosed with autism twice, the later they decided he has a bunch of disorders that just mimic autism. (As he explains on the "Who Are These Crazy People?" page.) It's not like most professionals can really tell.

I personally view to be accepted you first have to accept yourself (also that mean people sometimes have bad things happening to them, sometimes they're just mean). I knew myself pre the official diagnosis.

About councillors, I benifited by telling the last one that talking about my problems didn't and wouldn't help, and that I needed to understand social things better.

Anger and frustration are not nice feelings to experience (in self) and take energy away from more pleasant experiences. I'm not saying the anger or frustration of others is pleasant, but inside oneself it can feel unpleasant. I hope I didn't offend by any of this, it is not my intent in the least.

Hope you feel better soon.

You don't have to earn acceptance on my account. I like your posts.