New hopes got washed down the pipes..

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I don't know where to write this. My granny told me to wash her dishes(but i hate her and dislike to help her, she doesn't understand). She is very capable of washing them herself but she still thinks that i need to learn how to help people. I am going to be 18 very soon. She still teaches me like a child.
I feel so anxious, scared and angry for what she did today. She got angry because i did not wash the dishes.
So i was in the kitchen going to wash the dishes soon. I was with my cat, hoping this nonesense to end. But she never stops until she wins the fight. And she gets so low. She starts telling me stuff that only hurt me. She tells me that i need to go wash myself because i am dirty. Yes i am! So what? I really don't care and i don't know why i don't care. I am supposed to be alright, but who knows i still might have some mild depression. I don't know. I just don't care myself that much. She makes me feel so trapped in this crazy world. She makes me feel that there is no hope. She makes me want myself dead. She makes me hate her even more. Why nobody understands me? Nobody at all in this whole world? I am lost. I can't live without support. She has no logic. Only her stupid emotions without brain. And she lays them on me like i am all the s**t in this world. Why doesn't she understand that i am a person too. I do not show any of my emotions but she keeps attacking me endlessly. I feel like a child in the corner without any help, support or guidance.


GOD I WISH HER DEA*! !! !! !
( all these new hopes are washed down into hell again. There can't be no hope for me.) I always trust them to help me but they always turn out to be hurting me back because of some things they don't get.

Today they told me that can get into a school that helps people like me. But now they came upstairs stabbing with their words and telling me that they didn't tell this. Now they only tell me that i might not get into that school. And that i can't get through that school aniway because i am "lazy"?

They have even told that the reason why people don't succeed in life is because of lazyness.
Why do i have to be surrounded by people that never understand, and think that the world only goes around THEM.

they brought my depression back. I thought i was cured...
Now my only wish is to hurt myself.

Yeah I agree. You have to work realy, really hard in this world to succeed. Unfortunately, if you are in any way different than what society expects, it becomes almost impossible to succeed. I suggest doing the menial crap your grandmother wants you to do, especially if you live with her. Take the high ground, but also document what mean things she says or does, when these happen etc. That way if push comes to shove you will be able to state your case.

I have worked at many jobs, been on time, got my work done, and have done extra for the companies where I worked. In a few of these companies, my ideas made my job and team more productive and efficient and yet when it came to promotion time, it was the most social and sometimes least productive employees that got the promotion even though I was recommended my boss and fellow employees. I now work for myself. I have accepted that I will never fit in with society at large.

God that is so awful and yet so much like my life.

Especially the dishwashing part. My mom's a lazy pig who only washes dishes like once a month and would make me do it even though 99% of the dishes are from her nasty Korean cooking heh.

But yes my family is always accusing me of being lazy.

It's sad that your parents don't have faith in your ability to succeed even in the school that they say would help you. Don't let them get you down. If you do get the chance to go to this school and like it you have a far better chance at suceeding as opposed to being in a school that makes you feel miserable.

wash the dishes,but before drying and putting away, spit on them., and if they get sick, call them lazy..

All your words make some sense in this "soup". I wish my acing, anxoius and scared hearth stops being that way. I' ve been horribly scared and anxious since what happened yesterday. Even my body hurts. I only wan't to run away. If things won't get any better with me today, then i guess i will have to look for some place to be without fear and misunderstanding. Like my mothers place. When she got married and moved into this house my mother was abused by grandfather and grandmother too. But today she has moved away from this hellhole. And parents are divorced because of the hell that happened here because my grandparents. I remember when my mother wanted to jump out of the second floor window(quite high).

I feel like dying.. and i try to do what they wan't. Without complaining. Or they will get out of themselves.
I guess i try to play "theyr" game now.(though it hurts my hearth and mind.

Thanks people.

Grandfather got bit by our cat today. Because he is so abusive. Even with animals. He treats them like s*it when he feels bad. Looking out of the window while he was outside i noticed that he must have got a real good bite from the cat because his arm was bandaged. In the very early morning i even heard that he wants to kill our cat for that. I hope he didn't do that. Because nothing the cat does can't be worng. It is always the fault of the abusive bas*ard.
Our cat has some emotional scars. If i touch him in certan spot he reacts violently, biting me. But not as hard as grandfather got today. The cat only warns me i guess.
I think my grandfather assaulted him because of his bad mood that he has to put on others, so the cat defended himself.

"Grandbullies.."

Hope. Man, I'd love to feel that again on a regular basis. It sucks to have to live with people who don't seem to genuinly support you, or at least do it in the wrong way.

Only one thing to do now, right? Prove them wrong

Course, that's the tough part but it seems that their expectaitons of you are annoyingly low so maybe you could start with the little things, like deciding not to take the BS that they're throwing your way. Tell them to shove it, though I really do think you should wash the dishes. Small tasks like that are of little consequence and may help restore a little peace.