I feel like a part time Aspie sometimes/ Is it too late?

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First off, I truly hope that no one will feel insulted. I'm not making fun of anything here by saying that I'm sometimes Aspie and sometimes normal. That's not quite it.

The truth is, I really, really do not know if what I have is the AS. All I know is that I feel this terrifying feeling of recognition every single time I read about AS on the internet, and that I have the same problems and feelings as what is describes. However, I have heard that it is another problem altogether when people begin to think that they have problems- I think it is schizophrenia but I am not sure. I truly do not think it is so because I had already known and identified some of my problems even before I had heard of AS.

My situation:

I've had this on my back for more than a year now. One year is a long time, and in that time I have had to teach myself what come natural to other people, like eye contact and reciprocation, although I am still struggling very much with the eye contact. I feel bitter about this for many, many reasons, some of which I acknowledge as unfair and some that I feel are reasonable reasons to be so angry and unhappy.
The thing it, I'm fifteen. A lot of what I am can be chalked of as the moodiness of adolescence, rebellion, etc. Because of this the chances of someone noticing me are slim, and so I had to be the one to work around my own problems and pat myself on the back when things go well on occasion. It's true that I have a group of friends and I know that they like me. I know that I can be funny and that I am intelligent to a certain extent. These things I know and sometimes even believe. There are some occasions where I feel this sense of being normal, like when I have a good conversation with a classmate, which is so rare for me, or when I see myself doing the same things with my friends that other people do with their friends like watching movies together and doing favors for each other. I feel like to a certain extent I am capable of decent social interaction, but I seem to fall apart so easily. I try to be friendly and open but it's not easy to go against my nature, which over time has gone through severe changes due to things that have happened that were made all the more painful by this awareness- so many awkward times, painful, bitter, embarassing, angry memories that keep me from simply moving on.

I'm scared because I feel like no one -IRL- will believe that I have AS even though the symptoms match up. I feel like I have a better chance if I weren't half-trained to be, or at least appear to be "okay."

I know it sounds like I'm just waiting for someone to notice. I am. I want to talk about this IRL but apparantly my school guidance counselor has her own issues that no one will tell me about and my parents, who are by absolutely no means bad people or bad parents, quite the opposite in fact, are just so out of the question that I would never consider it for personal reasons of my own. And these problems aren't the kind of problems that my friends, though awesome and eccentric, would or want to understand.

I don't know anymore. I'm tired, I'm jaded and I know that this isn't very cohesive but I just don't know how to say everything right, which is why I can only talk about this here.

No, when people think they have problems, that is hypochondria, not schizophrenia.

I was recently hospitalized and the psychiatrist told me I seemed to have "Asperger's Lite." I told him I can appear brilliant and poised and fluid in communication because my verbal IQ is 131 but that my functional IQ (as measured on Vineland II) is only 60 due to problems with my AS.

Does this make me a "part time aspie?" No. Did I feel a lack of validation from the dr about my struggles? Of course!

We all have strengths. You just need a full assessment.

I had no idea there was something like that [the AS lite]. Thanks for the enlightenment. I'm looking up places where I might get one in my country, though I guess it's impossible without my parents knowing But I feel less confused now about what I'm dealing with

I agree sometimes it's better if you're obviously severe and messed up because then people take notice. When you have already set up workarounds to deal with things, then if you tell someone then at best they say things like 'Don't say that about yourself, you're a very nice normal person' as if AS were somehow a crime rather than a condition, and at worst they think you're a whiny attention seeker.

The fact that you said you had to teach yourself those things makes me think you definitely have AS...

Take the Aspie Quiz. If you score well <grin>, then you can assume you have mild Asperger's. The Quiz measures characteristics, not severity of impairment, by the way.

The Quiz helps give you insights into how your brain works, and that let's you create cognitive adaptations. My sensory/social wiring is slow, so the information is processed in another part of the brain, in a different way. So I use a lot of explicit rules in social situations, and accept that I don't like things like small-talk and gossip, and that's fine. I don't have to do those things, but I also understand why they are important for NTs even though it seems stupid. I can select social opportunities that are better suited to my brain, like activities with a purpose, with fewer people interacting. You probably have learned a lot of these tricks anyway, but understanding them can be liberating, and reduces anxiety.

Sometimes it helps a lot to just say "I have mild Asperger's Syndrome, so it's difficult for me to ....".

Good luck!

mechanicalgirl. What you said is so, so right that it's scary. I've had people tell me that before and I've always felt rather self-conscious and foolish for having divulged at all. I did feel like I was subconsciously seeking attention.

duke. Same to you. I think I understand a bit more now. Aspie quiz score, 158/200. I feel like my feelings and suspicions about being an Aspie are a bit justified now.

Thanks guys.