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Edited.

Ignored like usual.

MissConstrue, dont worry what people think. Nobody who is not an addict understands, they all say "willpower", it is really annoying. But generally an addict has to defend their right and the reasons not to have a substance in their life.

I would reply to the rest of it but I cant remember what you wrote...

I wouldnt worry about being ginored because at this time of the night the board is pretty empty.... only a few people from remote regions are around.

I never saw your post but I would have liked to. I think people who don't suffer from addiction will never understand that it has nothing to do with willpower. But people want to help and they don't know what else to say. if you need to go to substance abuse therapy for a while I would say go for it.

I apologize, I edited it b/c most feedbacks I get on this subject are bias but it's good to know there are some of you that may relate so here goes...and bare with me b/c I'm not as articulate as many of the posters here.



Before anyone gives feedback. I realize I how much the cricism and judgment I'll get from you all who might have percieved me differently. The only two confrations on this issues is either share it or hide it...and hide I' ve done to some extreme. Confronting is the sure way of getting stoned..or realizing the harsh critiques I'll get once I've posted this. It isn't easy to describe but I literraly feel like there are missing pieces in my brain.. The only grasp and understanding I could get came through drugs and alcohol. But even then...it's never satisfied the craving.

I've been sober for some months and if anyone knows about alcoholism or addiction, then it would be great to hear your feedback and experiences. Whenever I bring this subject up I get the "fact" that it's all about will power or how I was raise. I understand b/c I really tried hard for myself to limit my amount of using and so far f****d up big time with this theory as well as my family's pattern. If there was a cure for me to drink as though it were my siamese twin...then I'd take it in a hurry. Again, I'm not expecting ppl to understand. Through my experiences it either falls on deaf ears or or fails to be heard or understood.

I've been sober and I've done alright for myself. I don't think I ever would've been outgoing but rather outgoing in some level or another. Yet whenever I shared anything, I was eventuallly treated as dumb or invisible. When I started drinking and using, ppl treated me differently. I no longer felt alone or invisible. I felt like my identity was back. Then it got to where I couldn't feel the high or the motivation. So I went into rehab and I don't regret a single moment of it. I learned a lot about myself and more....yet too complex to share since it's the choice of the addict.

But I'm now back to these f****d emotions that aren't easy to explain. Most of what I get a kick off alters my brain. It isn't so much about feeling the high for me but rather to feel in tune or feel the pieces missing in me. Sobriety has done a lot of good but I feel dead or gone. This has nothing to do with my knoweledge of aspergers. I didn't know about aspergers until a few years ago. I struggled this throughout my life. I'm not good at describing this but the lack of "appropriate" emotions and then the innappropiate outbursts. I feel like I have to check myself all the time when asked whether someone should fit an appropriate job or not. In fact, I decline from taking management or promotion b/c I kow I will either mess up or lose my job.

Here is the missing piece that puzzles me. First off, I cannot socialize with ppl in a bar or grill for now only b/c of frequent consumption with alcohol. But on the other hand, I feel like I could if drank just like the rest of them. On the otherhand, I've had ppl bring this up to me many times, asking why I order so many drinks or get so drunk I do f****d up things. Not an easy thing to answere. Only in that the feelings that are there around other ppl are STILL the loneliness and frustration to express in words or emotions what I thought about what they said.

I'm glad I came to this forum yet on the other hand, I don't feel like I can connect when the topic of loneliness or loss that comes up. I don't believe in god yet I ask myself...Why live? Why live in besides surviving? Why can't I feel the motivation to strive or move on like others? Everyday I try not to think about it and I can't seem to move on or forget. The issue seems to be black and white with most people. I have trouble choosing sides or even fullfilling them. I'm still seeing doctors and shrinks for counseling and more pills. Yet up to a point, I almost feel like giving up my meds b/c they cost too much. Anyway, I'm still going through some crap psychologically. But I guess that's what most of us go through so no need to excuse them but there are times where I get to the point where I can't handle it anymore.

NOTE: I know this story is too damn long so I don't expect hardly anyone to read through the whole thing or any of it.

I think your aspergers may well have a lot to do with your addiction. It's obviously an under-researched area but addiction for people on the spectrum will definitely be different than for those not on it. We have slightly different motivationis for starting in the first place (you described that very well) and not only are we physically and mentally addicted in the common sense we're locked in the repetitive stim like groove of whatever drug based activiity we're doing cos it's not just the drug and the high from it there's a lot of other things you need to do to get yourself there that is 'addictive' too.

It sounds trite but one possible way of helping others here relate is to compare trying not to do drugs to trying not to stim. When I do my drug of choice it's most definitely a stim, rolling something between my fingers and touching my lips with it etc, hmm yes very stimmy. It wasn't until after I stopped smoking cigs for instance that I realised it wasn't the nicotene but the act of smoking i was addicted to.

Anyway, I don't know how to help or what you're going through but I do have an idea of why you do it or want to do it. When seeking help from proffessionals I think it would be an idea to look at things through an AS prism as it's most likely a big a part of who you are and what makes you do it.

To be honest, if I didn't have my son I might be in real trouble or at least I would have to fight harder. I spent all those years in bars precisely because I was lonely but nothing ever changed. I was just lonely in a crowd. I am such a hermit if I lost my son I might be tempted to go down to the local watering hole and convince myself I could have " just one beer". I know that's not healthy but at least I'm aware of it and I know where to go for help. I know the beast still lives within me because even after many years of sobriety if I'm around people who are drinking and seem to be having the social ease I lack; I find part of my mind start to do some fancy rationalizing. The best thing I can do in those situations is of course to avoid them but also just to leave. If there is one thing rehab did for me was to sort of reprogram my brain so my immediate thoughts on having a drink are not blessed oblivion but puking,shame,losing my son...as a matter of fact I look at me taking a drink as suicide and there are a lot of quicker ways to do it.
Someone said to me once it was important not only to admit you were an addict but also to accept it. I asked my brother once if he felt an overwhelming desire to keep drinking after he had one drink. He said no. That told me my brain works differently. In rehab they told us to think of your disease of addiction as an entity that would try to trick you into using again. So if one part of your brain says I need, another part of your brain can counteract. I guess it depends on which part is stronger and there are things you can do about that. I am very familiar with those feelings of emptiness. I don't feel it anymore and the only thing I can say is I decided I didn't have to be perfect and I was going to take life a little bit at a time. About god, I'm an agnostic but I can say with assurance that I don't believe in a petty vengeful old coot in the clouds. I think if god exists on any level-it should have no ego. Anyway I had this odd experience. When I was in rehab I became friendly with a guy in there for a coke addiction. He got out about 2 weeks after me. I had gotten my son back from my sister who lived 13 hours away. I went to pick this guy up from the halfway house he was living in. I had my son with me. This friend started complaining because there was going to be Bartenders Ball in town that night and he wanted to go. The halfway house had a rule about using of any kind. He was saying he didn't have a problem with alcohol so he should be able to go. I was saying all the right things to divert him from a relapse when I was suddenly blindsided by a desire to drink. It was like something came up and hit me. I remember looking back at my son who had just turned 2 and thinking about what I was going to do with him while me and this friend tied one on. I think I don't have to explain to anyone dealing with addiction and/or OCD the intensity of the drive. Reason simply doesn't apply. I have done some insanely selfish stupid things because I couldn't resist that urge.So I guess I prayed -I don't know to who- maybe to myself, but the prayer consisted of 1 word 'help'. Instantly the overwhelming desire to drink left me. It was like turning off a switch. I'm not going to suggest that all you have to do is pray, because I don't believe that, but it did tell me that part of myself was stronger than the addiction.

I think Hmmmn is onto something with the repetitive movements comment. I always drank too fast because it gave me something to do with my mouth and hands other than talk. I am very orally fixated.

I'm sorry if you've ever got the impression that I was making fun of you or your problems.

However, I definitely can relate to feeling like there are pieces missing from the brain. The lowering of inhibitive barriers is a major part of the attraction for NTs to drink, too, and I can imagine that this effect is magnified in AS. Drinking hasn't made me more charming, and I don't have any more or less friends because of it. In the last few years I have realized that the missing pieces are still missing when I'm drinking, and I'm merely further impaired. These missing pieces have to do with the differences in activity and interest patterns. Other people my age go out and socialize a lot, and I don't. The few times I do go out are punctuated by feelings that I really should be getting back to work on my scientific interests, and even alcohol can't pull me away from that. I might be a workaholic.

It feels like you could be describing my situation MissConstrue. I think it boils down to brain chemistry, some people just seem "happy" or "high off life" and they have the easiest time telling other people their business. That's my take on the situation.

Emotions are considered drugs, people close to me have done some outlandish stuff (lots of drama) to satisfy their emotions, then some people just light up or do some shrooms to satisy themselves. If it's okay for my friend to play halo all day while living off of unemployment, or my sister to spread rumors about people who are close to her, then I don't see why someone who doesn't want to affect others can't get their happy feeling by affecting their emotions on their own.

If all I did was get high though, I'd feel just as bad, I feel good when I'm accomplishing things, but sometimes I just don't want to even get started, that's why I like to get an artificial start.

I personally wouldn't reccomend alcohol for the long run, but everybody has something, I support you having that something.

It is hard. The main issue for me is staying away from foods that have high fat/sugar / salt contents, and junk food. These are what trigger binges in me. But easier said than done when nothing looks better than that row of chocolate bars, or the caramel dumplings, or the huge chocolate cake at a birthday celebration.... and it can be pretty disturbing when everyone else seems to be able to eat some chocolate and then stop .