I don't know what to say. All those witnesses you've been involved in looks like they left PTSD and that you don't even realize it.
(a precision: rape is not an "incident". In court, it's a criminal affair.)
So if you're all messed up like this
, I think you should take a good look at your ideas before all.
And also get rid of the alcohol thing. I think that alcohol is not a good thing to clarify one's mind.
It looks from your post that you have a lot to get rid of to feel better. Hard work ahead, I'm afraid, sorry for you.