I think I'm a mild Shcitzo or something like this.

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Now, I'm not depressed because of this issue really. I am just starting to miss those good ol' days where I could lay down and day dream with out "demons" popping into my mind like the sound of loud dripping water to a metal tin can. I find myself having to force myself to ignore it. Day or night, it doesn't matter. It happens most when I want to sleep. (why can't it be friendly, not fallen Angels for once. I'm tired of forceing the idea. =.=)

Ok, if paranoia is part of it, I have plenty. Most of it is because I haven't been getting much possitives during my entire childhood, so obviously part of my mind still expects the meaness from people. I keep thinking, that people who are talking while walking by my apartment window are talking about me. That is embarasingly vain, isn't it? I think that their bumping is out of spite, when really, it's not. The up stairs neighbor was just vacumeing the floor, for crying out loud. What's really annoying to me, is when people speak codes or other languages then chuckle. I keep thinking vainly that they are makeing fun of me.

Sure, all of this makes sence, given my past, but there are other things that have really annoyed me lately. Every time I go to bed, it's hard to sleep. I feel like ghost eyes and demon eyes are staireing at me. It really annoyed me, the fact that some cockroach has been makeing slight bumping and tapping sounds till I killed it. Dam bugs! After we got sprayed for these common roaches, I hear foot step sounds, even when I am laying down, or sitting. Naturaly, only when I am getting paranoid from this. I had these tapping noises against various objects in the other apartment we lived in. It was more often there in fact. The windows I understand, because of temperature change, but not the unused TV screens that didn't get any sun. I was actualy stairing at it, when I heard a 'thunk' in the middle. 'sigh' It was like some finger nail, for no reason, just tapped the screen. It wasn't used for the past 4 or 5 hours prior, and the air conditioner's temp. wasn't changed for several days or more.

I was sipping coffie one time in this new place, and standing by the kitchen, and this shadowy but incomplete baby arm swooped out of my neck then went back in. I was looking down at the floor. It had about three fingers and a stub for the thumb, I think it did anyway. It was bent the whole time to. Yeah I thought "whatever". That really means nothing much to me. Another time, I had just gotten what I thought was a good rest. My mother just came home, and I saw someone peek around the corner into my room. Sort of like how a person steps half way past the corner to look in, and they put their hand on the corner.

I got up, certain that it was her, and went to her room. "Hey Mom. I saw you peak. You didn't wake me." She told me she didn't peak into my room, she was changing into something comfortable. It was day light, for starters, and my mom does some laundry. The laundry stuff is between my room, and the door to the middle of the apartment. Mother's room is on the other side of the apartment. (I mistake that? hmm) 'sigh'

When the closet door is open, I feel more like someone is stareing. It's just a freaking closet. -.- I even refused to keep my bed room door open when I sleep, because it feels ghostly or dark to me. (despite that fact I go back and forth across that spot several tiems during sleep hours) Ok, the 'dark portal to hell" thing is silly isn't it? Sure, stepping to the bathroom is stepping toward the gates of hell. I'm getting a little tired of it, really. I'm not scared, just nervous and frustrated. One of times when I was asleep, I felt this rounded but soft pressure press against my forehead.

It was the size of a large rubber bounce ball, just not solid. Another time, it felt like two others against the middle of my back, one was smaller than the other, and I was on my back facing the ceiling. (a sleep faze to the extent where you feel like you havn't quite completly gone into deep sleeping yet, right around there, is what I mean. Asleep, but not deeply.) I actualy woke up to those wierd scensations. uhm k. weird.

I havn't seen any humanoid figures in over a year now. Sometime around five months ago, I started seeing swooping shadows, sometimes little strings of light. When I traveled down across two states by driveing, and lacking sleep for two days and nights, I had this opticle Illusion problem, and just then because of lack in sleep. Now, I get plenty of sleep but keep seeing the swooping things. TV screens? Retna scars? My brain? I don't know what's doing this. I have had some, but very few, auditory illusions, which have also been picking up slightly and lately. It's really just in my head, but occasionaly I hear the word "b***h" when nobody says it. Quite annoying. *bonks head against the desk* At least I'm not going through the verbal giberish during zone out nonsence now.

No, coffie doesn't cause this. It seems a little chemicle related though. Coffie does odd things to me. It usualy brings on feelings of guilt, self hate, and such, but it makes this Schitzo like traits worse. I have this idea, every time I try to peacefully sleep, that beings without bodies are staireing, wanting to pounce, possess, that hell wants and will comsume me, and stuff like that. -.- Coffie makes this worse. Not that I have been tested. I havn't. Maybe it's stuff that mimics Schitzo?

What is my problem? I wander.

These do sound a bit like schizophrenic symptoms. The fact you are completely aware that they might be and that these things definately aren't real (even though it FEELS like it at the time) is a good thing. I've had a couple of almost hallucinations recently - something I never had before (although I have had other psychotic symptoms mildly - mainly mild paranoia and mild delusions, not the classic ones). I only heard voices once and it was when I was very very tired, after a bout of insomnia where I ended up crying for a while, and then lying in bed, the normal random thoughts that I get before sleep started to invade my head so much that I could actually hear them, in horrible hollow voices. It felt very unpleasant. Also a visual hallucination of moving parallel lines, which doesn't sound bad, but feels horrific.

What can you do about it? Well, first of all I would advise you to read everything you can get your hands on about schizophrenia - this way you will be even more aware that your 'symptoms' are just that, and not reality. Secondly, you could get some type of help. However, this is very much up to you. If these symptoms are not affecting your day to day life too much, then my advice would be to try and manage them yourself - if you know what makes them worse (e.g. coffee), then avoid these things. Try to keep yourself healthy (exercise, eat well, see friends etc.) if you can.

If however, things start to get a bit out of hand and affect your everyday life, then you should see a doctor. They will probably prescribe antipsychotics. I have taken these several times and I find that in the short term they work well (zyprexa was an exception - I didn't get on at all well with that), but in the long term they really change your personality (there are some positives, but for me mainly negatives) - sap motivation and creativity and genuine happiness. If your symptoms are really making you unhappy however, then this is probably the best route. Certainly if you feel you might end up hurting someone otherwise. Personally I dislike antipsychotics so much that I will only take them if I really feel it is necessary and I'm prepared to put up with some symptoms. Basically what antipsychotics do is suppress things - feelings and thoughts, but both the negative ones you are experiencing and the positive normal everyday ones. If you are autistic you may be better off on lower levels than the normal amounts that are prescribed. For example, for me 5mg of Abilify (an antipsychotic I would recommend, but is expensive) was enough to remove unwanted thoughts, but the usual dose is about 30mg. If you have a job that relies on creativity and determination you will find taking them hard going, but if you have a job that requires sociability, then antipsychotics (at least for me) seem to make that easier.

I've had sorta similiar issues, it may not be Schizophrenia but maybe a Psychotic episode, I suggest you get on anti psychotic meds and maybe some sleeping tablets, some people can get addicted to them (the sleepers i mean) and od on them, maybe you should put on nice music in your room at night (maybe classic as its hard to "find" demonic msgs in that type of music) or leave the tv on with low sound, sorta to buffer the noises you hear

do you suffer from disturbed sleep in any way?

I will read info about both. I am obviously getting illusions, and wrong conclusions. It's too soon for meds, though. I have a radio, that has helped before. Good thing it plays casset. Yeah, I woke up to some of this abnormality a couple times. Sometimes I wake up, for no reason, and have to make myself go back to sleep. This is despite my need to use the ladies room, you know.