[stream of conciousness]
So I like to think of my self as pretty high functioning. I have a job, I own a house, I pay my mortgage. I have a lot of volunteer activities to fill my non-working hours. I have a partner and we have been together for a long time.
That's not to say that life is perfect--I was self employed between 2000 and 2004, and suffered a financial failure, largely attributable to my (at that time) undiagnosed AS. But I picked myself up and carried on, and I like to think that I am back on track.
Well, over the last two weeks, my coping mechanisms and filters have been coming apart. I'm getting angsty during my commute; I'm ducking volunteer activities (setting up people to take my place, though! I'm autistic, not irresponsible!); I'm getting frustrated with coworkers; I'm having mini-meltdowns over trivialities; etc., etc., etc.
Sitting at my desk in my room, or in the privacy of my cube at work, I feel pretty good. Chatting with friends online, I feel happy, and well adjusted. Having lunch with my friend-with-aspie-traits, I feel comfortable and supported. But walking in the street, or sitting in a meeting room with colleagues, I start losing the plot.
I'm not down about this. I don't think it's a bad thing that every so often my brain reminds me that no matter how good I believe my coping skills to be, that I am still, and will always be living with AS. I am human, and from time to time I fail.
But I think I have learned that lesson, and I would really like to have some of my coping skills back now, please.
[/stream of conciousness]
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--James
27 Oct 2009, 6:20 pm
