Developing self-esteem undermined by well-meaning others

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Hi,

Been thinking about something today. I have seen talk around about emotional abuse. It is a terrible thing. I think I suffered it through the bullying I received at school, as well as the physical aspect of the bullying. Or employers who didnt like me, or others I have met through life who said terrible things to me.

But one thing I never counted the cost of is how, throughout my entire life, I have always had well-meaning people take me aside and try and help me by offering advice about how I could improve myself, or work harder, or try harder.

Examples are my parents, my father being convinced that if I didnt like sports some horrible fate would befall me, my mother being annoyed that I am not hard working like her, a friend at high school who always tried to make me tidier and neater and more ladylike, other friends telling me I was too brash and I shouldnt say the things I say.

Meanwhile I still havent really changed. It makes me wonder what to do. Should I go off and live in a caravan in the middle of the desert, so I can be away from people who would be happier if I could do all these things that I cannot do?

The thing is that these people are very well meaning but they sort of derail us because they make us think we are not fine the way we are and fill us with anxiety about our future. I think I received so many negative messages growing up and not only from bullies and people who disliked me.

But yet because they mean well we know we should listen to them and then waste years trying to follow inappropriate advice that comes from a negative fearful place until before we know it we are negative fearful people.

I have encountered quite a bit of this, with well meaning people trying to "change" me. I've been a "project" to numerous people who claim to want to "help" me, because apparently I'm not good enough as is. This has been something I've been dealing with my entire life. This is who I am, and it really hurts to be told that who I am as a person is in need of improvement, because I'm apparently not good enough has is. This has caused me a great deal of pain over the years, especially when it came from people who were significant others at the time, and people who were supposed to be my friend. At present, I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship with a wonderful guy who really appreciates me as I am. He would like me to be somewhat more neat and organized (I have serious problems with that) but he's said that's more of a personal comfort issue for him than anything else, so I can respect that. That's just something we're going to need to work on when we decide to live together, and we've already talked about how we might deal with that that in the future. Other boyfriends I've had in the past basically wanted to change who I was as a person, to mold me into the kind of girlfriend they wanted, and that wasn't someone I could ever be.
Dealing with well meaning people who basically want to turn me into someone I'm not isn't as much of an issue for me as it's been in the past, but it's bound to crop up again one of these days. I know that it can be really hurtful, and I wish you the best of luck in dealing with people like that, as well as finding people who appreciate you as is. "Different" is by no means synonymous with "wrong." Unfortunately, there are many people out there who can't get their head around that.

And that is the paradox.
Even though having lived it, I have no answer.

Yet, realizing one is becoming negative is the first victory.
Once you know what's broken, then you can fix it.

This same thing is happening to me right now with my boyfriend. I don't really have Asperger's officially, but we've talked about my friends and how I generally communicate. All of my friends are on the web, I prefer Skype to phone, and I avoid crowds, gatherings, parties, and generally do not like talking to people because it gets really awkward.

He seemed to be neutral with me for a while, but then he went talking about how I need to "get out more" and get "real friends" and that I'm too much in my hole or something. He said he's going to help make it better. I don't really want to hurt him but I don't know how to make him understand that I'm quite fine where I am and that there isn't really anything to make better.

He's also exceptionally nice which makes it worse.

Next time tell a "well meaning person" tries to give you advice, stop them and tell them to go stuff it!

Explain that they are Echoing in your ear your worries and fears and it makes you feel worse, the "advice" doesn't help. Tell them you need to hear good things about yourself, and as a friend, I know you have many positive attributes.

But then they get all offended, and frequently actually do become nasty, because they're pissed that you got upset by their "well-meant" "advice."

Well, there have been times I've tried to work upon my self-esteem in positive manner though, at times I've often been upended by people stating, that if I did this or that, my overall outcome in various scenarios would quickly change..Truthfully, I shant say there is no validity to such yet, what works for one person does not always work for others as, I've noticed this in my own life still, I'm constantly trying to maintain my contentment neverless..There is nothing pertinent for me to add unto this post yet, may you
ZenMistress be able to find some serenity..

Perfectly stated, that's the core of the problem right there. And then of course come the attempts at changing those who are different, all out of "altruistic interest" and concern of course. No one can change another person, you won't change until you're ready to and it happens on your terms, not theirs. Not to mention that it will happen gradually, all lasting meaningful change does.

Thanks all, especially to Dave and Professor X for your good wishes:

But thanks to everyone else too.

Yes it is true that people can have difficulty understanding why I cant do the same thing as them.

when they can do something themselves and push themselves and get a good result, but if I push myself I end up burnt out, and with an average or below result...

Anyway interesting to read all your replies. I guess I will just have to work on detaching myself from all these messages...

Zen Mistress, I'll keep this short for the time being in that, I wish you many good tidings in means of trying to foster a greater self-estee as, I've had much trouble in this area for many moons now but, never have I given up nor should you...

Thank you, ProfessorX, and you are right, we should never give up. I think at some point in life we begin to sort out what we really believe and value from what was suggested we believe and value.. does take a while though.

I wish not to go overboard within this thread you so sincerely started therefore I'll say, I've currently been working to improve my overall self-esteem a little bit at a time yet, it has not been easy but, I'm not walking away..Well, I'll close this shortened statement with saying, I hope you have a most peaceful evening Zen-Mistress as, your most welcome to write back at your own choosing...

ProfessorX