AS & Depression(My Story)

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this is my first post that is meant to be fairly helpful and meaningful honestly, I'v felt that almost all of my posts here on WP probably have little helpfulness to anyone.Anyways, I best get to the point of the topic..Well, I've had depression for close to 22yrs now and one would think that after so many years now, I'd managed to overcome it and be so-called cured and all of such unpleasant sadness,torment,hurt, and suffering.No! is my honest answer as, I've been through a variety of differing therapists and anti-depressant medications yet, I've not really find a perfect treatment as such but, I don't give up though.
In the beginning my depression more than likely started from having to deal with mental abuse as a child along with being bullied & teased both due to my eccentric mental level and awkward physical form often, making me feel less human over time..Beyond my teenage years, life did get better but, had to incure the hurtful and sometimes cruel jokes at various workplaces I've been part of these many years now..

Sometimes, I've felt there is few amount of hope left but, I've not totally give up on hope just, that at times I've come across a great many hypocritical persons whom, pretended to be friendly and act as if their my friend but, downright they're more malignant like cancer than anyone real person is..This has caused me a great deal of chaos in my life for whenever, I thought that certains persons where close to me, like the 2 people I once had been involved with romantically were looking out for my best interests, it simply was nothing more than a ruse to drag me around and play me for a fool..I can see how nowadays have my sense of trust has become seemingly vanished.No1 I'm not lost all trust yet, it's very hard for me to recognize whom is friend and whom is foe, if this makes any sense?


These days, I spend a great deal of time trying not to think of such things along with the loss of several family members, not forgetting the onset of unpleasant health many years back therfore, I try to keep a good regimen of exericse and seeing my therapist regularly, taking my medication and honestly trying to flush the unpleasantness out of my system as best as possible...

I must get going but, shall add more unto this when time permits..
In carrying on where I left off, I'll say that often I find it hard to deal with ostracization for having depression as, this is not confined to members of the "NT" world but, I've found myself being ostracized by fellow persons with AS which, in itself I find absolutely sickening though, what is there to do about it except try to look the other way and hope your imagining it all..Anyways, I have felt lost as, there are no close people I know in my ordinary,mundane life nor anyone online either for that matter where often, I simply try to understand how others deal with his/her depression sincerely with coming to this forum here on WP. Honestly, the though has crossed my mind to permanently reside in this forum and no longer post in other parts of WP cause, realistically I've felt I'm simply invisible to others. In closing I hope this post has been helpful or atleast has revealed a picture of myself that is not shrouded by heresay or inuendo as such?


ProfessorX

I was one of the lucky ones. Meds work well for me, but before that I couldn't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. I stopped talking about it at one point. I figured people didn't care and didn't want to have a depressed person around. Now I see things a little differently. People (many of them) do care but they feel powerless to help you. They don't truly understand why you are unhappy because they can only see your situation through their eyes. They can't see that what they consider an ordinary day for you is exhausting and painful. So they shy away because they feel inadequate. For most of my life I asked myself-when do I get to die? It's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced a years long depression. I have little mini depressions and meds have never proved to be a wonder happy pill, they just provide me with a little emotional armor. I hope you engage in some other conversations here at WP, ProfessorX, I think it would help forestall the downward spiral. I had a psychiatrist smirk at me when I described Depression as a black hole. He should try it sometime.

Dear Aimless, I'd like to say, often I've felt like doing a great many posts that tended to be better written and elaborate, not appear done by a teenager for, this is not the case!
However, my writing style at times has been seen as such yet, I try to do my best overall with formulating and composing understandable & sensible posts however, often I've felt deep inside they don't come close to what other people are able to do..Anyways, I'm quite thankful for your reply though as, I did not wish my post appear to be a negative, angry filled rant or something alone those lines even if I tend to symbollically rip myself apart whenever I make mistakes on both a communication and social level.. Aimless, if you don't mind I'd hope to talk with your more often if that does not bother you?


ProfessorX

I'm very sorry you have suffered with depression for so long. I've been on meds since I was 13, going on 14 but I can remember being depressed much earlier.

I'm glad you haven't lost hope and I do understand what you mean when you say that it's hard for you "to recognize whom is friend and whom is foe." I have pretty much built a wall around myself. I know there are good people out there....they can't ALL be bad...but I can't weed people out. I resent people, but I mostly resent myself because of my lack of social skills or whatever you would call it.

I am terrible with my thoughts and words, both written and spoken....but I think you did an excellent job expressing yourself. I know we are our own worst critics, but you really do write well and not at all like a teenager.

Oh, I'm sorry if I talked too much about myself.

Take care and I hope you are well.

M_p_furo, you need not worry about stating your own story of depression in how see it relates to my own or the similarities of how depression has affected both of our lives in the individual manner..Actually, I'm doing okay at the moment yet, I feel I have influenza though, just not the pork chop version(swine flu).Anyways, I'm most thankful for what you had to say as, I'm not someone whom acts hostile towards feedback or response from others regarding any topic or so forth..Well, may it be said that I hope your situation in life is doing good too??


ProfessorX

Hello there

I'm glad to hear that you are doing alright as far as depression goes, although it's a shame that you have the flu. Thankfully, as you mentioned, it's not of the "pork chop" variety. Heheh! I hope your recovery is a speedy one!!

Thank you for asking about me, I'm alright. The past couple days was a bit rough and it took some effort to get out of bed, but today went quite a bit better.

Take care!!