I'm down and need to get up

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Hello all.

I'm not sure what I can do about this.

It's been a long time since last I was in love, and even longer since I last made love.

My flatmate is in bed with her new boyfriend and although I use my headphones to listen to some music, I can still hear them chattering and making love.

It accentuates my loneliness. I can't go out today as I'm sick in bed with a stomach bug.

I've had feelings for her but they are not reciprocated. I like her boyfriend. He and I get along and he too has Aspies.

I feel alone and unloved and unloveable and I want to curl into a ball and shrivel away to nothing.

She is my friend and I value our friendship but I feel too much pain when she and he are together.

Part of it is the feeling one gets when one is alone and sees others who are not.

Part of it is the constant reminder of rejection.

Her telling me that I'm the sort of man that it would be easy to fall in love with made it worse.

I can't stand this.

I know how you feel. If I lived with someone I had feelings for and they were taken I would be crushed.

Maybe go out for a walk when they are in their room?

I see dating as temporary, even though sometimes it isn't. People go out for a few months, break up and start dating again. I don't know what type of girl this girl is. If she's had a lot of boyfriends or if she likes long term relationships.
I'm just trying to say that when she breaks up him with him it would be easier for you to deal with it.
If she doesn't feel the same way as you then move on, there could be other girls out there that will fall in love with you.

I'm basically married to my career, and any boyfriend will just mean I won't get to spend as much time on it. Sounds sad I know but it's an excuse for me to be single, even though I know there's a whole lot more reasons why I don't date.
I still have crushes but I don't do anything about them.

My main trouble at the moment is that I feel stuck here.

Firstly, I'm sick at present.

Now I learn he is here until tomorrow evening (at least).

It tears out my heart.

I am also stuck as we have a lease here that does not finish until September.

I am dissociating. It is the only way of coping.

Once I am over this stomach bug, I'll have some capacity to go out, but must I leave my home for days on end? Is that a home?

I also work and study from home and this is making both impossible.

I would like to do something to end the pain but I can't.

There were three suicides years ago that destroyed me and I could not do that to anyone.

My spiritual beliefs prevent suicide from being an answer as well. I believe if I do I will return in my next incarnation with the same problems but a few additional ones as well.

There is also the undeniable fact that this is neither her fault nor his that I feel the way I do.

I love her as a human being, not just as a woman and object of my affection.

She has had little luck in relationships and part of my conflict is that I am happy for her.

I really would much rather that my father had had a vasectomy and saved me all this.

Sorry if this is a downer.

Further to this, my flatmate and her boyfriend have realised what how I was feeling and they decided to go over to his place.

She came home last night and we had a good talk.

He makes her happy. She thinks he may be ít'.

I've asked her that, given the fact she knows my feelings, could she please refrain from asking for my advice on various things to do with their relationship and she has agreed.

She said she'd like it if we caould go out together - all three of us.

I said "No, it rips my heart out too much."

She understands and will keep her relationship with him away from me.

I've not told her and I'm not going to. I had what I understand is called a meltdown. The other night when they were not here I took to my legs with a fork that was sitting on the table. I just exploded when my new laptop kept failing to connect to the web. I suspect it was less to do with the laptop and more to do with my feelings for her.

No major wounds, but I must wear trousers not shorts. Summer is coming and that's not going to be fun.

So, I am accepting a little bit of advice from Penseive and am concentrating on an assignment for my Diploma studies. The academic year is nearly gone so I need to finish up my assignments.

Well, that is good that things have gotten a little better for you. Just keep yourself occupied with doing something else, like your assignments. I usually read or play with my dog to get my mind off things.

Hi FreedQuill,

I was in your situation for 6 years. I was roommates with this person for 9 years. This living situation was for almost all of my 20's. I understand that you can't force yourself to not have feelings. If I had to do it over again, I would of moved on after the first year.

Looking back on things now, the object of my affection wasn't the person I saw for many of the years. The person I saw was more of a reflection of who I wanted that person to be... To be for me. Cause I was in allot of pain and needed the kind of person I was projecting onto my friend that I was very in love with, that loved me too, but not like that. My point being... consider if she's actually the person you are seeing when you look at her.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to IM me. I hope you can find another way to redirect meltdowns to something that won't hurt you. I know what it's like. I heard them having sex. Several different partners through the years. And all I could do was scream in my head and pace.

Seriously, please don't injure yourself over this.

Thank you, Josh.

The self-harming really bugs me as I've only recently learned it's because I'm Aspie.

I was abused some time ago, and from my time co-managing a support group for abuse survivors, I learned that self-harming is an abuse-related thing.

Yet my self-harming does predate the abuse.

I do have an excellent psychiatrist and she is helping me enormously.

My writing does help as well.

I have already decided to leave at the end of the lease. I do feel obliged.

She said to me last night she would like to be able to go out with me and her boyfriend but I told her that's not going to happen.

She and her boyfriend are aware of my troubles here, and to give them credit, they are trying to be discrete.

She is going to try to spend her time with him at his place, leaving the unit pretty much to me during those times.

As for the projecting things ontlo her, there is something in that. I think everyone does that to some extent.

Yet that does not mean I am doing it to a healthy extent.

I've noticed some rather creepy similarities between my flatmate and people from my past.

She does have a vivacious nature and I suppose that attracts me. I am so clumsy in social occasions and I'd much rather walk my flatmate's dog or do some routine PC maintenance task. I'd actually prefer to scrub out the toilet!

Yet I am lonely.

She is incredibly attractive and was an actor on a TV serial here some years ago.

Now, in a major article I researched and write (and hope to market) I wrote about mental health professionals who sexually exploit and abuse their clients (my own ugly history).

In that research, I was reminded of the psychological concepts of trasnference and countertransference.

That is where the various traits that attract or repel us are set in early childhood, and by all the people we meet in our everyday lives.

Oftentimes, what attracts or repels us the most are those traits held by our opposite gender parent (in the case of attraction to the opposite sex in heterosexuality).

So...

Yes, there are some vague similarities between my flatmate and my mother.

And my sister.

And a much loved cousin who died of cancer a few years ago.

She is very feminine, and that I crave.

She has a striong libido... need I say more?

She has a wacked out sense of fun, and it would be so lovely to be able to relax.

Yet she is also very irresponsible, irrational, reckless and even puerile for her age (her 50s).

We met in our course. She could be a much better writer than she is but she never puts the time into it. She has no patience for anything.

That actually is a turn off.

Part of it is I am simply lonely and tired of being alone. She is there and very sexually active. My psych says that alone will ellicit sexual desires in a nearby male.

I'm not sure I want to give up hope of finding love.

I do have my work and my studies. My new writing gig appears to have a lot of potential.

I have a children's picture book manuscript ready to submit to the publishers and another one on the way (children's writing along with science fiction is where I see my professioanl writing future).

I am getting dentures as my teeth were a disaster.

There are many reasons to hold out hope.

So next September, I am going to be in a position to take up your advice. I shall move out.

I've set up a bank account to help fund the move.

I have quite a while to prepare.

So thank you for this.

Like Pensieve, you have helped me enormously.

I really love this site.

Take care.