The other day, my brother (Shaun) and I bought a stereo system to put in my car, and some brake pads to fix the brakes. We bought a couple of cartons of alcohol, and headed down to my other brother's (Kai) place in the country to install everything and have a good time. They were installing everything and treating me like an absolute ret*d yet again, and ignoring me talking about how they will go out as if I'm just this f*****g tree who they don't want to come along. To be fair, though, Kai did notice how I was taking Shaun's treatment of me and got me involved a little to make me feel better. Later, after stewing for a while on all their teasing BS, my temper got the better of me and I walked off in a rage to calm down. They noticed and started acting like they'd done nothing at all, and asking why I was angry when they were installing everything and fixing the car up. Acting like they were doing me this huge favor, going on about how they 'bought those speakers for me' when in actuality, the money they spent on the speakers came off the monetary debt they both owe me. Not to mention, part of that money spent was on tools that Shaun will get to keep. In effect, buying himself tools with my money. Again, my temper got the better of me and I punched out one of my car windows, cutting my hand a fair bit. What's the big deal, it was my car anyway. But Shaun tried to bloody well force me to apologise because they were 'doing me a favor'! I stormed off, planning to walk to my mother's place 100km away. Along the way, I found a piece of glass and got stupid, stupid thoughts of killing myself. Not that I need to worry I'll ever follow it through. Instead, I just cut large gashes in my arm from the wrist to my shoulder. I went back to the house and called Kai to help me clean up my arm, and get me a jumper to hide the mess from Shaun. It'll be difficult to try and hide for the weeks it'll take to heal. Can't wear a jumper in summer. Kai freaked out but afaik has kept quiet. He'll speak to Mum though, I know he will, which I DON'T want. The last thing I want is them all to start damn well asking me stupid questions like "why do you want to kill yourself" or "I love you" or "promise you won't kill yourself", which happened before and was absolutely terrible. They'll probably never take me out again, screw them. It's so screwed! Like that time we went out, Shaun went aggro at Kai and tried to smash him but ended up smashing both Kai and me. They picked a fight with this guy in a bar who hit me, who was just standing there trying to calm things down, and put my tooth through my chin. Yet when I go aggro, Shaun talks about how I'm just f****d, "let him walk, f**k him". One rule for them, another rule for me. It's all f****d up! It just isn't fair. I don't know whether I should tell them to f**k off and never want to see them again, which would be hard cause they're obviously my brothers, or keep trying to deal with their BS just because they're the only people I ever really know or see. It's too fuckoff hard.
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"Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat, it isn't a goddamned seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go!"
11 Feb 2006, 6:59 pm
