Having doubts....

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I have been battling depression for several years. Something as simple as a rude response or insult might set me off. Now I dont have any fits or anything but I do get in the mood to be alone, often.

Lately tho, with my probation coming up, some girl troubles, etc. I have just kinda given up. I have no real motivation to be "successful"; make oodles and oodles of money. I really don't care how I do, I just want to play my guitar, work on my vocals, and once in a while read and take pictures.

Now, I am tired of being in society, sooo tired. There is nothing for me here. I just keep coming back for more and more disappiontment. With this probation, I see it as trying to redeem myself and to get granted back into society, otherwise I go to time-out (jail lol). But what if I don't want to be part of society? I have tried and tried but nobody listens to me, nobody will get to know me, everyone automatically judges me and brushes me off as wierd.

I don't want to live like this, I want to move out to the country and enjoy life the way it was intended, pure away from society and the evils that come with it. I just don't know how much more I can take. I used to think I was strong and nothing could get to me, but I am breaking down and I fear they may be nothing left pretty soon.

This is more of a rant than anything, but if someone could just respond so I don't feel so alone.

Is there a way you could do what you really want to do? I mean, moving out to the countryside and living there, is it fesable? and is it what you really want? Examine the idea, and plan towards it.

I wouldn't be able to move until a couple of years. After I pay my house off, I will rent it out so I can use the rent money towards my expenses. I think moving out to the country is the only way to truly expierence a good life. The way nature intended if you will.

Both me and my brother are aspies, and we both have the same experience that living in quiet country areas makes us much happier than being in the town or the city. He fluked out recently and found a house, and an outdoor construction job that he's ok with, up on the Orkney Islands in Scotland. Only 70 people live on his particular island. I went to visit him last week - it was paradise.

Go for it.... and even if it's still a little way off in the future, just the idea of working toward it might make you feel happier inside yourself. I'd definitely recommend it. It doesn't solve everything, but there's something about being in a place with no sound but the wind, and where you're able to see the stars in the sky at night, that can bring a lot of peace to a weary mind. There's always ways of making an income to keep yourself together.