Seriously man, don't even entertain this thought. Live and you will live.
I tried killing myself several times a couple of years ago. I was very depressed, self-harming regularly (heaps of scars now), anorexic and wanted to die more than anything because I didn't want to go through the pain of living any more. But I lived.
And I am so glad that I lived because I pulled myself out of depression with anti-depressants, better life-coping skills, and just trying to do one thing every single day to show myself that I love me.
It's so easy when you are suicidal to think, Oh it's just so easy to do this or that and I'll be gone... to fantasize... consider the different ways of dying... but then all of a sudden you are over the edge of fantasy into actually committing the act and for so many people they manage to do it and don't get to experience a better life, they are gone, sometimes they commit the act and end up seriously injured in hospital and die later on conveying to others just before their actual death that they wished they hadn't tried to commit suicide (and die because of their previous action of trying to kill themselves).
Life can and will get better, go read the works of Victor Frankle if you don't believe me - he was a man living in a concentration camp - his life was shittier than s**t - but he learnt things from his experiences that made it all worth it - all the horrible suicidal crazy-inducing life experiences worth it - because he learnt how to master who he was inside, he learned true happiness. Suicide would have robbed him of that happiness and he would've missed out on being one of the greatest psychologists and having a productive and positive life.
Suicide robs people - sure it takes away YOUR pain, but it also takes away the opportunity to experience happiness again.
Seriously man, don't even think about it - if you fantasize about this (and it is hard I know, I fantasized it for a long time before I actually tried to commit suicide) you will dig the depression hole deeper; instead think about what you want out of life and start telling yourself that you are going make your life better.
Remember little good things that have happened in your life, and if you can't remember anything good, than start writing down one beautiful thing in your life today. Notice the way the shadow hits the wall gently, notice the ant who carries the bread-crumb like bolder, LAUGH! Laugh at yourself, laugh at the world, laugh at how ridiculous life is at times, Laugh at the whys, the whos, the whats, the whens, the hows... Laugh at being born, just laugh at everything and anything even if you don't feel like laughing, even if people down the street think you're weird - laugh at them! Watch a comedy - something really stupid. Give yourself happy endorphins by laughing, smiling and just making fun out of life in general.
Indulge in your obsession if that will give you something to smile about.
No one else can get you through this, except for you, even though it's so hard to see anything but despair when you are depressed. Reach out to people, find someone you can talk to - write in a diary and just write down, "I'm so sad, I want to cry blah blah blah" as many times as you need to or whatever you are feeling - write down why you are feeling sad, write down about your feelings of despair... Say, "I'm OK", even if you don't believe it, because YOU have survived so far, you have survived other difficult times (maybe not as difficult, but every difficult time takes courage to survive) and you have the strength because you got through those other hard times, so say it to yourself, "I'm OK"!
Talk to yourself if there is no one else to talk to (and laugh if you get weird looks). Get into the shower, turn on the water (very warm) and scream, or if you can't scream, pretend to scream and cry all of your sadness, grief, hate, anger whatever into the water. If you're depressed from being aspergers, scream about that into the water, and regardless of where the suicidal feelings are coming from, pretend to cry if you're not able to cry - it feels corny but it works - you'll start to let go of the painful feelings and let those feelings wash away with the water.
Write letters to every one of your enemies - tell them how their behaviour has hurt you - BUT do not send them.
Go onto an RPG game online and just start yelling about how lonely/ bored/ scared/ f****d up your life is. Who cares what anyone else thinks - believe me honey, it helps take away some of the isolation that happens either from, before or alongside depression (just keep in mind the main rules of the game though, as you don't want to be banned if this is a main form of social interaction).
Doing things for yourself will help. It will show you that someone loves you. YOU! No one else can fill the gap but you can. You are worth life - so prove to yourself that you are worth it. Don't give up on life yet. Live life so that you can really Live life!
07 Feb 2010, 11:05 pm
