Is it wrong to cry? (long entry)

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I've always been a crier or crybaby. When I'm really upset, or angry, or relieved, or even just emotionally moved, I'll cry more often than not. I can't stop it, and it just happens. It's been that way as long as I remember. My mom has seen me cry more than anyone in my life combined because most of it is at home. When I was younger, she would scold me and tell me to 'dry it up' over and over, and I always found it so hard to stop myself.

When I turned 18, I ran away from home and the whole fiasco broke me. I came back home later that year and would cry every night. Everything would set me off. The majority of my crying would just be me staring straight forward at nothing and one tear after another would fall. My mom would witness this the most, and she never scolded me for it ever since I came back home. I cried freely and however strongly it came on. Every time without fail, she would either tell me things would be okay, or hugged me until I calmed down, or both. I cried in the past week (I'm 24 now), and she has the same response: to hug me and say "everything will be okay". As she has always done. This method has always worked without fail.

2 days ago, I hurt my boyfriend physically. He didn't tell me it hurt until later that night. I immediately felt guilty that I hurt him without even thinking, so I got upset. I cried, but I wasn't screaming or loud. I said I was sorry, and it wasn't my intention to hurt him at all. He said that it was silly for me to cry over something like that and to not worry about it, and then he added that I should have been more conscious and attentive (which yes, I see that now). It was his way of saying he would be fine, aka "things are okay".

A couple minutes passed and I had my head on his shoulder, about to fall asleep. Maybe he felt the tears on my cheek or heard me sniffling, but he got up and took his pillow and laid down on the floor. He asked if I was "still doing that" and I was just shocked that he left me right when I was done crying... and it started all over again! I was hurt. I never expected him to give me my mother's level of comfort, but when he chose the floor over me, it's all I wanted. I wanted hugs, tight ones. I wanted him to say that it was going to be okay. Instead he spent the entire night on the carpet. I didn't sleep. At 3 AM, I took my blanket and pillow and laid beside him. It was all I could do. I put my hand on his back and said I had stopped crying, but he scooted away from me. Then he went back to the bed and left me on the floor. It wasn't until 6:30 AM when I went back to him and wasn't rejected. Or maybe he was tired of running from me. Then it was 7 and we had to get up to go to work anyway, so what was the point?

His explanation, which he said later, was that my behavior was extremely childish and that I "did what babies do". Also, he was implementing the "Golden Rule" and treating me how he would want to be treated in that situation. "If I was upset with someone, I'd want to be left the hell alone. I wouldn't want someone all over me, especially the one that made me upset". But that is NOT how I work, and I insisted that to him. I look to him for my comfort and was hurt that he didn't think he should do that.

So now I'm left with the question: Is it wrong to cry? Do I need to find some other way to express my emotions? I've been on pills before, Zoloft I think, and I never cried on those. I was literally unable to cry, like someone put corks in my tear ducts. The result was that I screamed and threw things and slammed doors. I don't want that because it made my life very dark and terrifying. But I can't cry around him. If the urge hits me, what can I do? I don't know how to stop it. I've been like this all my life, and nobody has ever ignored/rejected me when they see me upset. I understand that he wants to treat me like an adult, who is mature and in control... but I'm not! It really scares me that he sees me as immature and babyish now. I want to be mature, but I'm digging myself in a hole with my emotions.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm desperate or whining. But I really do care for him and I really do love him. Is there any sort of technique I can do to stop myself from crying? He can tell that I'm crying, even over the phone, because it starts to happen in the middle of my sentences. Is crying even okay for someone my age? I grew up thinking that everyone of all ages cry, and for whatever reason. I never thought of it as childish and nobody has ever said it to me and punished me for it. Like "B.F. Skinner punishing", that is.

Do I really need to grow up? Is crying a symptom of a deeper problem? Should I still try to seek comfort from my boyfriend? I didn't mean for this to be this long. I just really needed to get this off my mind.

I strongly believe that crying is not a bad thing. It is a good release when all feels hopeless. I personally would be very careful to cry in a private space (never in front of non-supportive people). I too have had experiences of others who mistrust emotions and invalidate by saying "don't cry." It is important not to fall prey to those who would have you believe strength lies in not dealing with your feelings. You are not immature for crying. In any case, I hope this helps.

I cry all the time-I can't help it.

I cry all the time too. I'm 26. I've gotten better at holding it in until I'm out of sight, but when the tears come, there's no stopping them. However, a lot of men tend to see crying as a "bad" or "childish" thing because this is what most of them are taught growing up. Maybe your boyfriend really thinks he's trying to help you be stronger, when really he's just making you feel more hurt. I have friends like this as well.

But if you are crying this often, maybe there is something deeper going on. Especially since you say that when you were on antidepressants, you replaced the crying with screaming and other violent outbursts. Something in you really needs to get out and it seems like you have a hard time controlling it. I get this way now and then, but not as often as you say.

On the occasions where I really just lose control, I generally don't have anyone to take care of me. I have the option of talking to the cat (who may or may not feel like cuddling), lying in bed talking to my stuffed animal, or taking an anti-anxiety pill. Have you ever tried these? In general I do not advocate pills as a solution to life's problems, but these ones have really helped me at times in the past. I mean things like Valium, and others like it. They shouldn't be taken too often as they can cause depression, but I find if I have one now and then when I'm really losing control, they just sort of put the world in perspective. They pull me away from the emotional outburst and let me see what's going on in a more rational way. It's not that I *can't* cry - it's that I realize I don't need to anymore. Everything feels okay again, and I can go about solving the problem rather than just crying for hours.

If you're willing to try something new, this is my recommendation for you. Ask your doctor for a low dose of an anti-anxiety pill. They really work differently than antidepressants. Of course every medication works differently for every individual person, but if you're really having so much trouble, maybe it's worth a shot?

Good luck. If you find the cure for crying, be sure to send it my way.

Ain't nothing wrong with crying. Some people hardly cry at all, some people cry almost all the time, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with ether of them. Every one cries at least once in there life, it's nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about, and any one who says different doesn't deserve a tear to be shed because of them.

First of all, I am a crier. I cry easily and at the drop of a hat.

For me it is related to self-esteem, a belief that I am not good enough, and a fear of disappointing people I love.

My husband and I have many arguments/fights over my crying. He is a "stand up for yourself" kind of person who is more likely to debate/argue than cry when he is upset.

This is not a good combination, but since we love each other very much, we have worked hard for 11 years to better understand and be patient with one another. So the following is his point of view and me trying to understand why my crying makes him cold, angry, and distant.

1. When a person cries, the point of view turns from the problem to the person. The topic is no longer about solving the problem, it becomes about soothing the person. So he sees crying as a a way to avoid solving the problem.

2. If a person does something wrong, then the person wronged should be the focus of the sympathy. If you hurt me, then you should be spending your energy soothing me, apologizing, and righting the wrong. When the person who did the wrong cries out of guilt, then it seems as if they are asking for the sympathy to be for them, and it disregards the feelings of the person wronged who deserved the sympathy.

3. If the person who did something wrong bashes themselves and debases themselves verbally, again the focus becomes about how they are not really a bad person, instead of admitting fault and finding the solution. That is just annoying and makes it difficult to be honest about things that get on your nerves for fear the other person will turn it into a drama.

So what we do, and it works at times, is lay ground rules. No name calling, no interrupting, no yelling, no self-debasement, no sobbing, and time-outs often. I am patient when his voice begins to rise, and he is patient when the tears begin to fall. We stay on topic and solve the problem. Focus on the other person and use reflection to know that you are listening. I let him have his say, get it off his chest, afterward, he gives me a hug and reminds me he loves me and his being annoyed/upset will not stop him from loving me. It has taken 11 years to get this far, and we still misunderstand and hurt each others feelings.

As a person who is a crier, I always thought it was only fair to ask for soothing while in pain. It was a harsh reality for me to admit that part of the problem/solution was on me.

There's nothing wrong with crying....my thoughts summed up in song lyrics:

...the tears are there to leave you,
with a brighter pair of eyes

("The Right Words"--Sarah Slean)

@Eureka-C Thank you for your insight, I see where that makes sense. It seems like a good compromise, even if it seems to take longer to solve the issue, but at least the issue is solved.

What I'm about to write now is something I'm deathly afraid of, and I'm afraid that if I type it, it will mean it's true. But I can't go on without knowing.

I met with my counselor today and I told him about the crying episode I had. I included every detail I could. Even the most embarrassing ones. I said everything. My counselor's conclusion was that my boyfriend... is abusive. Psychologically and emotionally.

And I know that if one person says it, it doesn't make it set in stone or even right. But he's a doctor who has counseled not only the abused, but the abusive.

I don't know what to do now... I'm really afraid. I love my boyfriend. I want to be with him.

I get confused about whether it is okay to cry. I live in a care home so i have a lot of different people from various backgrounds so advice can vary greatly. I know in some African cultures (one of my support staff explained this to me) crying is not a done thing. Even here in the UK the ideas behind this vary from north to south. My Dad who is from Yorkshire says crying is bad and it makes you look week. My mum who is from London says that crying is a good way to express your emotions and it can make you feel better. I find that if I DONT cry I get stomach aches so I prefer to let it all out.

With regards to this:

It might be worth finding a website about Domestic abuse because not all domestic abuse is obvious. It is quite common for women involved in domestic abuse to try and ignore it, not because they are daft, but because they still have feelings for their abuser. The abuser loves that they have this much control over their partner and will use that against them. I know because a friend has recently escaped an abusive relationship. If he is abusing you then I will have to agree with the councelor because it is wrong under any circumstance.

I cry from time to time and there is nothing wrong with crying.