I'm feeling less and less OK. Since this summer lots of s**t has hit the fan in major ways. (More details down below). I'm sad and crying suddenly without knowing why, I'm frustrated and irritated with the children (which makes me feel terrible, it's not their fault their mom's an AS-nutcase), I get stuck on chores or on nothing, just staring into space or stimming or pulling my hair out. I feel crappy around people because I feel like they're judging me or like I'm naked when they make eye-contact and I'm constantly making an ass out of myself, although that's probably not true, superfically I'm very functional (though maybe quirky).
I'm already on one SSRI and one SNRI for anxiety and depressive symtoms, and have been for years. But I also haven't felt like this since I was 17 and coming down with my clinical depression.
I guess I'm looking for sympathy or better yet, a fresh perspective on my situation. Here's the shortlist of the events taking place since this summer (some of them still in progress).
June - The family dog is put to sleep because of aggressive colon cancer.
I end the engagement with my fiancée.
July: My fiancées mother died and he went to the US to bury her.
While he was gone my beloved grandfather suddenly died.
We decide to make things work by separating but staying together.
I get my AS diagnosis.
August: My mother (who's been mentally ill for a long time) goes nuttier than usual around my grandfathers funeral and the whole ugly mess of my childhood and teenage years is exposed to my grandmother and aunts.
My father decides to separate from my mother after 30 years of marriage and 5 children (I don't hold it against him, ill or not my mother's become increasingly narcissistic and taking all her resentment out on him)
September: My fiancée moves out.
October: My father buys separate apartments for himself and my mother. My mother decides my youngest sister and brother should stay with him, as well as the animals (two dogs, guinea pigs, parrot and canaries)
The canary dies.
The two remaining dogs are put to sleep as their arthritis is so painful they can't walk.
November: My father gives away his beloved parrot as she's going to be too lonely after the move.
Since I'm the eldest I've tried to keep my distance from the drama with my parents, because someone has to be level-headed. My brother's in combat with his inner child, my father's on a huge guilt trip, my mother's blaming everyone else for the situation and feelings are generally heated. I'm excrutiatingly rational about everything, but I'm beginning to think it's at my own expense. Because here I am, sad and lonely because I don't want to burden people, because I don't think they'll understand. How could they? I don't understand. I can't separate one emotion from another, let alone tell someone else what I'm feeling and why.
Most of all I'd just like to dig a hole in the ground and climb into that sweet forgiving darkness where I don't have to be anything to anyone anymore. And even that thought makes m want to cry because it's so utterly selfish to think that way when I have to innocent children who depend on me so completely. My fiancée doesn't get it. He's too NT for this, I think. Or maybe I'm not giving him the right signals that I need help. Because he doesn't help me much. He tries to be supportive, but just ends up saying: cheer up, it could be worse! Of course it could. But I'm still sad, mourning multiple losses and at a total loss with all these conflicting emotions.
21 Nov 2009, 2:24 pm
