Don't feel like I belong anywhere

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It's been a long time since I last posted here - I joined WP not long after I was diagnosed with AS a few years ago. After posting on WP for about a year I decided to stop, the main reason for this was that I never felt like I'd managed to really connect with anybody. This place is so vast with so many members listing their thoughts and symptoms that I ended up feeling like I was alone in a huge room full of people 'that I don't know' all talking 'at' one another rather than 'to' one another, maybe I'm just not cut out for forums - I don't know?

I don't even really know why I'm here on WP writing about this! I guess it's because I'm a bit depressed and feeling alone - since I last posted here I've had yet another promising friendship bite the dust and 'as usual' I have no idea what I did to cause it to end - it would help if the person gave me a valid reason for my ex-communication but from my past experiences people never do give you a reason.

I have had a difficult time coming to terms with my diagnosis - after 31 years of struggling somewhat fruitlessly through life before my AS was 'discovered' I've found my diagnosis of Asperger's to be a real double edged sword.

On one hand I felt some relief that there was 'at last' an explanation for why my life had been so bloody difficult - that was some sort of comfort, on the other hand it is pretty devastating to think of the cruel and unfair ways I've been treated throughout my life. Since I found out that I had AS I've told very few people - sadly I have experienced the (inevitable) prejudice that comes out when people learn that you're 'different' in some way.

I now find myself feeling more alone than ever - is there a place for someone like me in this life? If there is I am having a very hard time finding it, during my worst moments I question my right to exist and the reasons for trying to carrying on.

This post is definitely not meant as a criticism of WP - I hope I'm not alone in my feelings of isolation amongst so many members here - I am just glad there is a place like this for people with Autism to express themselves freely in a environment of understanding.

Maybe I ought to give WP another try? But I can't see how this attempt would be any different from the one before.

A lot of what you have written, I agree with and in fact I've gon through similar stuff. I joined WP about a year ago, but I also started posting about a month ago again. I don't have very many posts at all, as you can see, but I do feel a kind of link to people here only because I feel there isn't anybody else that would understand what I'm going through. I don't really know anybody on the site in particular though. Sometimes I like to read what someone has to say, sometimes it's helpful.

I've never belonged anywhere. School was a nightmare; work is a hellish nightmare where I'm ostrasized but they understand 'what a good job I do'. Whatever. I wish I could tell them where to go. I don't even get along with family, as no one of them is like me, believe me.

The whole friend issue, I don't understand. I also lose friends or I just won't talk with them anymore because I don't like the way I get treated. It has taken me 42 years to figure out that I am on the outside of even the friendships I thought I had, that I'm a 'second-class friend', and the last to be invited anywhere, just in case someone else cancels.

It kind of makes me ill and I can't deal with it. Sometimes I don't realize why friends don't want to talk to me, sometimes I know I just don't want to talk to them, so I don't.

It is, and I admit this and I don't care if it sounds unhealthy, just so much easier to be alone. I have a studio apartment, I don't have kids, I've never been married, and I am so much happier in the peace of being alone and not having to deal with people.

If I'm avoiding the issue entirely by remaining on my own because it's easier, so be it. I wish I never had to go anywhere. I'd get groceries delivered. I wouldn't mind the library though.

If you don't mind me saying this, maybe it's none of my beeswax, but I have felt a great despair because I realize the AS is kind of absolute, and also because I can't seem to negotiate it because I don't have a kind family or friends to confide in and help me along. My only strength is knowing that I am all I have. I've got to rely on myself for everything, there is no one else, and I am my only comfort when I think that I just don't want to be here anymore. But I have to be here. It's where I'm placed and I won't let the rude, intolerant people of the world push me out until I'm ready to go. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

Hope my agreement, basically a voice out of nowhere, I know, but maybe this helps in some way. I was glad to read your message as I've felt a lot of similar things and gone through similar issues as well.

I should probably say sorry in advance... while I often find that I want to reach out and say the right things at the right times, I rarely manage to do this... but still I try. Forums like this are weird to me. Personally, I find that I try to jump in and interact with others, but when I see things that I think I need to respond back to, more often than not, I get overwhelmed and find that I cannot reply to them all so I end up saying nothing at all. It makes maintaining communication something that I doubt I will ever be able to do with anyone on here for very long. I found it really comical that this place existed in the first place... a forum for people who have issues communicating with others to come together to communicate... yet it seems to be working. I mean, this place is active and has been up and running for a long time now... Even though some of us might not be the best at relating to others, we still on some level want to (if we did not, we would not be here trying to reach out to anyone at all... we would be off doing something else).

Sometimes I think this place is full of people talking at each other, rather than to each other, but it is not like I see that as a bad thing. I think that is just how some of communicate. Perhaps I am just imposing myself onto others though... I know that often when I am talking to someone, I tend to get fixated on myself and go off on bizarre tangents (like this one?) and even though it might be a conversation, it rarely feels like one. Communication is not my strong suit. I doubt I am the only one here who can say that with honesty. But that in itself is one of the beautiful things about this place. I do not feel as though anyone is going to hold it against me if I say the wrong thing or behave in a somewhat robotic manner... People here have more understanding and patience for things like that...

Sorry to hear about your friendship coming to an end. I hate it when people do that. The lack of closure or the refusal of the other person to give any kind of answer to the questions you must have... that must be frustrating, to say the least. I have never understood the seeming inability of people to just say what the problem is. I know they think they are doing us some kind of favor or whatnot. I understand what the words mean, but it is a concept I cannot wrap my head around. What became of honesty?

I am also sorry you have to deal with people who have some kind of prejudiced attitude once they find out about what is going on with you. The ignorance of people astounds me sometimes. I have never though of finding out about Aspergers as a double edged sword in this context. I think I need to that on that awhile. I took a different approach with people, I told too many people and most of them reacted appropriately enough... Granted, I have had a few people say things to me that were out of line and completely ignorant... I just shrug that off though... do I really want to deal with ignorant people? No. In their own way, they are doing me a favor, I think.

I ramble... I hope that this time works out better for you. I hope that you get to feeling better soon... that things improve for you quick enough. If it counts for anything, maybe you can take comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has felt the way you do. It does not fix things, but there is often comfort to be found in knowing that even when you feel alone, you are not alone in feeling that way. I do wish you well.

Jul - thanks very much for the reply, you are absolutely right nobody understands what we're going through as individuals everyone's experience is different - I guess it's the understanding that I'm looking for - in a way I've been misunderstood my whole life and it does ware you down over the years.

Belonging was maybe not the correct word - you hit the nail on the head when you said nobody understands.
Despite me mentioning that I feel alone I didn't mean it in a "I want to be more social" way - like you I love being on my own as I feel most comfortable that way - I always have done.

After receiving my diagnosis I tried going to a local adult Asperger's group because the doctors here seem to think that socializing with your 'own kind' is the best thing to do, however after going along to these social evenings for almost a year I found I had nothing in common with anyone there and began to wish that I was at home alone instead.
Now that I've stopped going I feel quite relieved that I'm not putting myself through that any more.

A lot of my current problems stem from the fact that I was 31 when I was finally diagnosed so I've lived my whole life in 'not so' blissful ignorance being forced to build up a highly complex web of coping mechanisms around myself just to get through each day, I found that I could fool some of the people some of the time but I couldn't sustain it - my Asperger's would always win out in the end.

Truth be told since my diagnosis I've been going through a bit of an identity crisis - I know I'm just the same person that I've always been but it almost feels like I've been divided into two people, there's that pre diagnosis person and this post diagnosis person. Pre diagnosis I was 'in a way' happier living in ignorance because in my mind there wasn't this insurmountable thing called Asperger's Syndrome standing in my way.
Of course it was lurking there all along but I have to say that there is a lot of truth in the saying "ignorance is bliss".
Post diagnosis now 'armed' with this knowledge the unseen monster has shown itself and instead of me believing that the monster was something out in the world that I would someday vanquish I now find that the monster is within me - now that it has finally been revealed to me I know I am beaten.

Having said this it is good to know I'm not alone in feeling these things.

Intense,
I'm so glad I found your post today. For the first time I don't feel utterly alone. I share so much with what you and Jul both have said and feel like it was me who said it but it wasn't. It was both of you. I too am recently diagnosed and going through a similar crisis as well, and also don't have a caring or supportive family and am doing this almost entirely alone. I have one close friend, but who lives states away, which I'm so thankful for and who is probably on the spectrum also though undiagnosed. It gives me hope that maybe some day I can meet other people like myself. I would love that so much. It's really hard to be in a world that totally doesn't understand or get who you are. It's beyond painful and yet we adapt and cope and suffer alone much of time too. Thank you for your posts. It gives me hope today. I hope you are able to stay around if you can, both of you. It's a struggle for me also for all the same reasons.

I say give WP another try or even try and find another person with autism to be friends with in real life. It helps a lot when people understand what your going through compared to some other sites where a person may give advice that doesn't help due to the condition