Need Some Support

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Right now I feel so alone and overwhelmed. It makes it even worse that Christmas is approaching, as there is so much to do.

I am divorced and my two boys live with me full time. I have an extremely handicapped daughter that lives in a home and I take her every second weekend. Right now I am the only family that is really in my children's lives. My ex moved to another city and doesn't come around. The last time she took the kids over night was last winter, and the last time she popped by to see them was in September. My parents come by and see the kids, but don't offer to take them out anywhere or for any amount of time. My kids are really fond of them, because they at least make an effort to stay in touch, but unless I ask, they won't take them. I no longer ask them to take the kids, as my mom has serious issues (I'm sure she's on the spectrum and seems to be getting worse with age.) I was asking them to take the kids every once in a while overnight a few years ago while I was dating a girl and my mom told me: "We need to talk about how much time you're having the kids spend with me, as I shouldn't have to be raising them". I was devastated that that was how she felt, and won't ask them to even watch the kids anymore unless it's an emergency.

The kid's grandparents on the maternal side have nothing to do with the kids. They send $20 at christmas and $10 on the birthdays, and stop by about twice a year, which is sad considering they live only 5 minutes from us. Right now I feel overwhelmed as I spend all of my time with them. My daughter is 15, my oldest son is 13 and my younger son is 7. I stay up late with my 13 year old and end up waking early with my 7 year old. I'm always tired and feeling really stressed.

With Christmas coming there is so much more to do with work and children's events. Not to mention having to do all the decision making for presents and having to go shopping for them. My 13 year old babysits, but I feel bad for leaving them on their own for more then an hour. The other thing is that they both prefer to have friends over then to go their friends house, so I don't get to enjoy an empty house. They frequently have their friends over here and sometimes the house gets quite full.

I don't really have any friends, and the acquaintances I do have I wouldn't feel comfortable asking to take the kids for any amount of time. Everyone thinks I'm this strong person that can take on any challenge. No one seems to see how much I'm struggling, or maybe they know and don't care.

Anyways, I just needed to vent. I'm really feeling the pressure of Christmas. I told myself I was going to finish my shopping before the shopping season got under away, but once again I haven't even started.

Damn, what a situation: someone definitely needs to assist you.
Now, where do we find them

I have never been in shoes like yours, but I can see the load you have to carry. Other than possibly taking Christmas rather lightly -- I do not do it at all -- I would suggest a 3:2:1 ratio for your children and their friends: Tell them they can have only two friends over per visit per day every third day, and that they must then visit at least one of their friends at least once before another visit takes place at home. You undoubtedly want your children to be happy, but letting them run over you within your own home could actually lead to their ultimately being miserable.

Could you try speaking with the their friends' parents? Let them know you are a single parent feeling overwhelmed and I'm sure many of them will do their best to have "playdates" not at your place. Also, I don't know your feelings or financial situation, but one suggestion would be to join a local "church" group or community center to get your kids involved in activities outside the house.

Is there a "Parents Without Partners" support group in your community? These groups provide excellent friendships and support
for individuals in your situation...especially, with the realization that you are not alone with such struggles.

Or you can get involved with a church in your community... think of it as a place for the spiritual support, guidance and comfort we all need that others can bring. Look for a church...prehaps a non-denominational, if you are not particularly religious, and one that "plays" together with family oriented activities and parish events. The other parishners and their families will be able to help you out in a multitude number of ways...

"Ask and it shall be given..."

Thanks for the support and suggestions. They are most appreciated.

I actually don't mind the kids being over. My older son is diagnosed with Aspergers and I'm sure my younger son is on the spectrum. They are both very shy and really don't like going places. I do encourage them to go over to other peoples places, and they are willing when it comes to either playing by themselves or going somewhere else. The kids that they end up playing with don't come from the greatest homes. A lot of them don't get to do anything and I've provided a lot of kids firsts, such as taking them to the monster trucks and to the circus.

Groups sound like an interesting concept and would be fine if it weren't for all of the people . I know I need to find more for the kids to do, but none of us seem too motivated to be involved in any kind of group. My older son takes guitar lessons, but so far my younger son isn't willing to do any of that stuff. He was excited about karate, so I signed him up but once we got to the dojo, he wouldn't go past the boot room. He thought it would be just him and the instructor.

Oh yeah, I forgot, I did talk to my doctor, and he knows that I have really been struggling with stress and anxiety, so is going to refer me to a counselor. I'm hoping that they might be able to help me figure out what some of my options are.

Good to know you've got a referral for counseling... I've always found it a help.

Another suggestion... I don't know what qualifies as late at your house, but when I was 13, it was LAW that I was in bed by 8:30. I think now this was more for my parents benefit than mine... they needed their time to themselves, and to get some rest from 4 kids. Sure, I laid in bed under the covers with a flashlight reading... but I was quiet, in bed and out of their hair.

It's not wrong to make time for yourself, it's essential. It's wrong to not take care of yourself... if you stress out, wear yourself thin, and get majorly sick or bitchy, where's the logic in that? And it's teaching your children to both respect another's time and space, and to carve out their own in the future. You only have so much energy, and it's important to husband it carefully, both for your own well-being and that of your children. They are both old enough to learn a little emotional self-sufficiency, an essential life skill.

Do your kids still beleive in Santa Clause, or do they just like Christmas for the presents and surprises? I have known many low income families who manage to have special Christamas's by changing traditions to suit their own needs. Examples inculed "Tackiest gift competition" Make sure all gifts are under $10 but increadibly funny and worthless. "Holiday Raffle" Everyone buys 1 really nice gift that would be appropriate to anyone in the family (gift certificates are usually good) and they get raffle tickets in the stockings whoever's ticket matches the anumber written on the gift tag gets the present. A Family trip to the mall Parent decides how much money is appropriate for presents, puts each person in charge of purchasing for another, and then turn them all loose - sort of like an office secret santa. There is also the card box full of I Owe U's. Be creative, the Holidays really should not be about the money. If your kids like having theif friends over, you could have a Kid's Christmas make the (ALL of them, friends included) in charge of the food and decorations then get the others to come over whenevery their obligations at their own families are over.

My main stressor at christmas isn't the money, it's the shopping. Growing up, christmas was the one big blowout celebration. It was the one time of year that we got spoiled, that my parents would get me and my brother stuff that we desired and lusted for, but didn't have a hope in hell of buying for ourselves. I feel compelled to carry on that tradition, so try to find out what the kids are really wanting and try to make the "Perfect Purchases". I end up putting so much stress on myself that I make myself sick. I usually buy something, and then see something better, so I buy that and have to return the original, and then it's the 24th and I'm still shopping, trying to find the perfect gifts. Wal-Mart opening all night has been awesome. The past couple years I've been going shopping in the middle of the night and there is no one there.

It's getting harder now that the kids have a paper route, plus I pay my older son for babysitting. They can afford to buy the big purchases on their own, so christmas isn't as big of a deal for them, but that doesn't stop me, hehe. The problems I have with christmas are all self created problems.

Thanks for the suggestion though PenguinMom. I like the idea of having a christmas for all of their friends. I might do that for boxing day, as all the kids like to get together it seems to try out their new toys.

DonkeyBuster, thanks for the suggestions also. I do have rules in place so that we don't have kids over all the time. As a parent, I don't always know what's appropriate for my kids. I'm hoping counselling will help me determine that. I don't always feel confident in my parenting abilities.

It's not the holidays, it's you. You're being your own worst enemy (probably having taken over from your parents)... counseling can definitely help with that, if you're actually willing to give up your idea of being inadequate and take the risk of leaving that very well known and secure niche behind and undertake the serious work of re-imagining/re-discovering yourself.

DonkeyBuster,

I realize that. I have a lot of issues that I'm dealing with at the moment concerning myself. The real life issues mixed with the issues in my mind have come to a peak I think. I don't even know what to address first. I feel like the only thing keeping me going is that I have to take care of my kids needs. I also feel that if I could just get a break, I could take care of myself somewhat, and get my act together. Everything I do feels like the bare minimum to keep things going and keep people happy.

OK, so if I were you, what advice would you give me?

To seek professional help?

I think that that's what I really need. I'm at a loss how to help myself right now.

Yep, that's a good start. Like I said, therapy's helped me a lot.

Some suggestions....
In the near term, simplify. Do fewer unnecessary things each day. What's necessary? Meals, supervising the kids, work, paying the bills, sleeping. Lower your standards.

Appreciate what you do each day... not what you don't do. Your kids have a roof over their heads, food on the table, and are getting an education. Plenty of kids never get that.

Tell your inner critic you're too damn busy to listen to it today.... can it come back tomorrow? Or maybe next week? Face the b***h down... call her out... slap her down. What has she ever done for you?

Stay out of the stores... mail-order and be done with it. Turn the inner critic loose on the inner perfectionist and let them kill each other.

Tell the kiddies you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown and bedtime is now at 8:30... don't take whining for an answer. Everyone needs to learn boundaries and this is yours. If you respect it, they'll learn to respect it. Which will stand them in good stead when they meet someone else's boundaries. Then once they're in bed, do something to recharge yourself... maybe just sit and appreciate yourself while you listen to some good tunes.

Thanks DonkyBuster,

Hehe. I think I'm down to the bare minimum. I've been pretty run down lately and had already cut out a lot of unnecessary things.

That comment struck a nerve. I've been so focused on what I haven't been able to do for the kids, I forget what I do do for them.

I'm sitting down tonight and coming up with some rules regarding having friends over. I'll make sure to talk it over with them and come up with something we can all be happy with.