Suicide

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Do any people whose partner are AS consider suicide?
I was under the impression that my man was demonstrative and interested in enjoying a mutual mature respectful relationship..a highly socialised man, but now i know he would rather count sqaures and do geometry than experience and work towards a long lasting fulfilling friendship. i dont exist apart from making sure his routines go to plan, and i feel too much obligstion to leave. help! i cant see any future way out of this situation hes not a bad person but im drowning here. just when i can swim he demands something i cant give or takes advantage and violates me. he cant do compromise. what should i do?

Does he know how you feel? if not you may want to talk with him, tell him excatly what you feel and what the issues are. Be direct. If you are not direct then most likely he will not what you are trying to say.

I am sorry you feel so bad you are considering suicide. That is not the answer. People with AS are usally very set in there ways and rutines. They not not like change. I am not trying to make excuses but that is the way it is.

Have you tryed couples threapy? May I ask how long you have been going out with him?

Does he know how you feel? if not you may want to talk with him, tell him excatly what you feel and what the issues are. Be direct. If you are not direct then most likely he will not what you are trying to say.

I am sorry you feel so bad you are considering suicide. That is not the answer. People with AS are usally very set in there ways and rutines. They not not like change. I am not trying to make excuses but that is the way it is.

Have you tryed couples threapy? May I ask how long you have been going out with him?

I second the suggestion to do some therapy, either as a couple or as an individual.

And being perfectly logical...
why would suicide be preferable to just leaving the guy?

In any case, he's going to have to deal with his life without someone to organize it for him, and if you just left him, you'd get to build a life beyond this present unhappiness. Suicide is just ending your life on a very bad note, rather than re-creating your life to better enable your particular gifts.

yes he knows im sad but refuses to see my point of view, im always wrong and the irrational one. he jokes about women being weak and emotional. he just laughs and compares me to others, the difference is they are secure and have love demonstrated to them. its been 7 years now, he tells other people he is happy but i dont see how or where. he never seems happy to me.

there is minimal contact between us. i have to oblige all the routines and the intimacy is all one sided. i often feel violated. i have tried to make it work so hard but there is no compromise.i dont see the way forward.ive got so so much to share and want to give. im going out of my mind with longing for comfort. sounds dramatic i know but maybe not in this life for me.

i dont beleive im a bad person but he brings out the worse in me. i have to admit this im so impateint now with him im pushing him away..i hate myself it must be my fault, im not pretty enough he is obsessed with image.i am of the elk that i love all our differences as humans, hate seeing the way people are stigmatised for their differences.
ive been to counselling for my own problems so i could find out how much of it was me. im usually an optimistic happy gal but the frustration i feel overwhelms me so much i feel sick. i feel trapped, everyone loves him, hes a nice guy but to me hes as distant as a milky way. as stevie wonder said.

its about now i want to stop being a child and have a home and a family but all he wants seems to be the irresponsible life.

i guess this happens in lots of relationships, he doesnt want the boat to be rocked.

i dont want to give up but the future is very very bleak, cold, and not what i ever imagined for myself, i just want to show my love. maybe i think i have some AS traits myself. im scared that this is it.

So why are you still there?
You may have done a little therapy, but did you do therapy to enable you to be a self-respecting, self-actualizing individual who is determined to live her own life?

I agree you need a change... but suicide seriously limits your future options. It certainly rules out having children in the future.

I think you have different needs than him.

Although what you want is fairly typical, it is by no means the only 'responsible' way. However I think you should seek it out for your own wellbeing.

This problem is solvable. You are trapped due to you attachment to him. But one you break that attachment you are a free agent.

Put it down to different expectations.

those things were my dreams, what i wanted from my life,he has said he doesnt want me to leave, but i dont know why, his life wouldnt be any different without me, maybe less stressful for him, less impact on his routines etc...he would be better with someone less demanding and someone more able to cope. prettier and less intense. dont see how i can rebuild my life after so long and so much bad damage.

when im around 'emotional' men now i find them odd, the insecurity they display and the contact they need etc thats why i feel the only way out seems that i stop to exist. how can i ever love again. i dont know if there is anything left to give. there doesnt seem to be any place for me anymore it would take so long to fix. i dont know how to communicate anymore. i bet people think im odd. im pretty confused about it all i was 22 when we met and he promised that we would always talk, now i realise he must have just repeated what i said to keep the peace. i would never leave this world so that anyone would know, that would hurt people too much, i would just reduce contact and then disapear secretly, i do beleive suicide to be selfish, but really i can not cope with this burden.....a man in all senses but a boy mostly.

i just wish i was more able to deal with a cold relationship, and boy do i try, ive returned to my studies, stopped my negative freindships, go to the gym, look after my heath etc etc the more i improve myself the worse it is. the more i crave a companion...i just dont have the balls to get out and look for someone who wants and likes to work towards harmony and affection etc

god i need to shut up! i am an optimist usually x but also understand why some people know when its time to go. i do feel so much better sharing tho. thank you lots

Has your partner by any chance a NT? (Neurotypical)

However i'm having relationship problems, both autistic but the thing is she has feelings for the other, I have feelings for my girl and the guy she has feelings with has treated her like dirt and whats worse was she dumped me for a guy who doesn't have any interest in him...

Ever since then, i've like suicide, but believe me or not, suicide is not the answer, what about your family? I would assume they would really care about you or something?

You could always try therpy for both of you to help improve your relationship with each other

I could actually consider doing that myself.... but then she would probably get angry at me and get rid of me for it as shes been in a similar problem and then blanked out a couple of people for 2 years .

What I did to try stop my thoughts from getting to me is i try and distract myself with something else like filming, art or anything i love doing.... If you have friends about who are caring and supportive, I got to them and hang out with them and that probably keep you distracted from having these thoughts about suicide, trust me, suicide is the worst thing you or anyone will come across and I nearly lost my girl when she thought of that when she had depression and how deeply it had affected me after that...

Hopefully that my speech should make sense

I think it's great that you've made all these positive changes. Whatever you do, don't stop! I'm afraid though that you're going to have to find the 'balls' somewhere to change the rest of your situation. This relationship is clearly making you unhappy; perhaps even suggesting a 'break' whilst you clear your head and sort out your goals might be a good idea.

You say that most emotional NT guys make you feel weird now, but not all 'emotional' guys are the same or have the same needs. There's bound to be someone out there that is a happy medium.



Even optimists have their bad days, don't worry; you just sound like you're going through a really tough patch. But just because you are unhappy now doesn't mean the situation is hopeless. Hang in there; you're young and have your whole life ahead of you!

Of course he doesn't want you to leave - by your own account, you've turned yourself inside out pleasing him.

I think you need to do some (more) serious therapy to understand why you've been so willing to turn yourself inside out. Why have you willingly sacrificed getting your own needs met and re-made yourself to satisfy his needs? Why have you given away all of your power to this man? What's so incredibly attractive about having someone so dependent on you, and in control all at the same time? I mean...he's got Asperger's - it's not like he needs you to change his feeding tube every day, right? So why have you allowed his AS to dictate how you live your life?

Look, I don't say this lightly, but I think you need to separate (immediately), if only to have the opportunity to work out your own issues outside of the toxic environment you're currently living in. Obviously, there is a way to improve your life - but you have to admit that you've chosen the wrong man. You need to stop letting him off the hook because you assume all of his problems are related to AS. He degrades you, he violates you - what the heck has that go to do with AS? Clearly he knows how to treat people decently, because everyone else thinks he's such a "great guy," right? So why doesn't he choose to treat you decently? And why do you accept it?

You'll survive this - you just need to make a decision that your own happiness is worth the effort required to remedy this problem. Stop feeling sorry for him, and start taking care of yourself. Trust me, he'll survive. I guarantee you, you're not the only woman with low self-esteem out there. There are far too many who are willing to be mistreated (and far too many jerks willing to do it, AS or NT). Save yourself - get out now.

This is really bad and if it is true then I don't think you are being dramatic. Take a time out, because no decision has to be made right now. If you are feeling suicidal (and I hope this is just a feeling and not a plan) then try to imagine an alternative. If you really don't care about the ultimate consequence, then throw caution to the wind and do whatever the hell you want -EXCEPT SUICIDE. Life is too short, no need to make it even shorter or throw it away because some guy is making you miserable. That's ridiculous! I'm not trying to be insensitive because I have thought about ending it before, but I've always told myself if it really comes down to it, I'd rather just throw away my "make everybody else happy" facade. Maybe I'd just live on the streets, or move to the woods and live under a tree - That is no more ridiculous than suicide, and at least you have the option to come back. Hopefully you can just have a good cry and feel some relief in the morning.... Oh, and about always being "wrong" and "irrational", that's the oldest line in the book. Tell him he's a sociopath, for treating you like s**t while pretending to be such a great guy to the outside world.... Alrighty then, I think I've said my piece. I know I feel better....

Do not, do not give up on the counseling There is a whole planet (a whole Wrong Planet) of help out there. I'm sorry that it's going so bad between the two of you. NO matter what, you cannot give up on yourself. Let yourself hurt, take a big breath (or several big breaths), and then move forward. But keep up the counseling. Best of luck to you!

Jan, have you ever considered making a drastic change in your life. Maybe just taking off for a while, travelling, or doing something new? Sometimes you can get stuck in a rut and you need to break out.

It doesn't mean you have to leave him, maybe you should consider "taking a break" and going away for a while - have some 'you' time to help clear your head and figure out which direction to go in from here.

If I have figured out your age correctly, then you are not even 30 - your life journey has barely begun, it shouldn't be nearing its end. If he is making you feel all these horrible things, maybe being apart for a while will help you to think more clearly about what you want to do.

Remember; it's your life too, not just his.

Jan, reading your post you seem to be in a state of despair, although I understand what you are saying, your deductions and the conclusions you make from them don't add up, which leads me to think you are suffering from depression.

That will be the reason why you are suicidal. Although it could be triggered or not, it really does not matter as you primary need is your wellbeing. It may give you some understanding that the reasons you feel like killing yourself if because of the illness of depression. It is called suicidal 'ideation'. Personally I hate the term ideation but that is by the bye.

You may wish to try an antidepressant or some other therapist. I'm not sure that talking about 'issues' will help, you might want to take a CBT approach which isn't about turning every leaf, by focussing on changing negative thought patterns and behaviour that is continuing the cycle of depression . There is nothing wrong with intense people each their own. I might be that you body need that sort of input. In which case you don't have to necessarily get it from him, don't take you what you think you need too literally. Think of it like a brain stimulant rather than a conscious desire. Consciousness is at best vaguely related to what simulates you. You might get the same feeling from something else.

Once you get out of the suicidal microcosm you have time to decide what you want to do next.

It's quite possible that the best thing right now would be for you to "shake things up" a bit by telling him you want to leave. At least it might help you to feel better by putting your honest feelings out there - and you never know, maybe it will lead him to make a more conscientious effort to work a bit harder at the relationship if he knew you were serious about leaving. If he didn't, at least you would be free to pursue happiness with someone else. It is a very empowering thing to assert your independence and take more control over your life when you're in a bad relationship - and it's certainly a better option than suicide.