I wish I was normal.

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I am abnormal, even for an autistic person. My disability is no excuse for the way I am. Don't say you relate to what I feel. I am not like you, any of you. Other aspies don't accidentally get people angry with whatever they say. They don't have balls of yarn that they hug when they're upset, like I do. They are more successful in friendships and relationships. I have never had a single close friend in my life. Most of them have boyfriends/girlfriends and lose their virginity in their teens. They don't do ret*d things like talk to themselves and pace around the places they work to get them fired from their jobs. They usually have good grades in school. I am failing my classes, because I can't stay focused on my work. It's not because of my disability. There is something wrong with me personally. There is a lot wrong with me personally, and there is no hope that I can ever change. I have a more than 50% chance of being dead next summer, because I'm dropping out of college and I'm going to try to get a job as a computer programmer, and if that doesn't work I will end my life, because that is the only thing I have going for me. I wish I was someone else, anyone else.

Normal is what everyone is, and you are not...
Be better then normal, be abnormal
normal never accomplished anything of note

You probably don't want to hear this right now but you are wrong, there are people out there who are just like you with very similar problems and there are others even worse off than you or me - that's the truth. To feel like you're the only feeling this way and going through all of this is quite natural. And the way you feel is no less valid even though there are people far worse off in the world.
It's all about finding perspective - I failed at college and 'although it felt like it at the time' it wasn't the end of the world, after a year I just went back and did it all again and I eventually qualified - did I get a good job out of it? NO will I give up NO.

I know how easy it is to blame yourself for everything that's wrong in your life, I've done it over and over but that is a highly inaccurate perspective - there is a lot more wrong with how people treat anyone who are different.

We're often treated badly because people are ignorant and afraid of others differences, it's the reason that racism, homophobia ect ect ect exists.

As for relationships with women I didn't find the right person until I was in my mid twenties and like you I honestly believed that I would be on my own forever - after all who would want to go out with a freak like me!

Never give up hope, it may take a long time but things do and almost definitely will change.

And remember when it comes to 'normal' people there is no such thing as 'normal' - boring yes normal no.

If you know there is something wrong--and it seems clear to me that you do, then the next step is to find a way to either fix it, compensate for it or work around it.

You are clearly articulate in writing, and intelligent. But no matter how intelligent you are, you don't have all the answers yourself. Neither can you look at yourself objectively. The help of someone like a counsellor can provide you with some clarity about how you can work around, or compensate for what is getting in the way of your success.

To my way of thinking, you don't have to change, what you have to do is adapt. It's a subtle difference, but it seems to me that you are intelligent enough that you will understand it when you are in a place that you are more comfortable being introspective.