I don't like being myself anymore.

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Looking at myself objectively, I see someone horrible. I see a liar and a thief and a perv. Someone who does nothing and blames everything for nothing. Full of hate and pride and stubborness. The kind of person who would bring someone down just to make herself feel good about herself because these days- these months, this past year- it is so damn hard to feel good about myself about anything. Oh, I have my moments of clarity, some glimmer of what might have been a good heart. But I am so done for. My heart is perpetually going against me and it's not just my being fat that causes all these headaches and heartaches. I hate myself, hate what I've made myself. I've got friends, I've got stuff. I deserve none of it. I am so, so frustrated with myself! I like games so much because I can play different characters. I want another godamn character because the one I have now is irreversibly scared and flawed! It sucks! I can't ever expect myself or anyone to be perfect, but I think I've turned into what society might call a "scumbag."

I almost got to that stage when I was
in my teens.

I don't know how I "started over" but
I went back to being a little boy.

I play iwth all my old toys and some Ig
got along the way, I went back and watch
cartoons that I watched when I was little,
and gaved up all the dumb growedup junk
like beer and smoking and girlfriends and
church and all that stupid growedup rbbish
like I don't watch the news anymore and I
only watch mostly happy movies and I wear
my Pooh and Tigger play clothes again (bigger versions made
for me in Canada) I don't wear dumb plain clothes
no growedup clothes just my play clothes.

I gave up being a growedup because it is
too hard and I cood not stand the one
that I came to be, so I just had to sort
out my whole life from that point and I
never went back.

)

I was like that as a teenager. Now, I love being myself.

Most the suffering I undergo that your average person avoids is largely my own fault, so self hatred follows in a major way. However, you're young so my guess is you've only lost so many years to your errors. When you've solidly lost the last decade, is isn't pretty. It's probably far worse for someone ten years older than me who's lost two solid decades and I'm desperately trying to avoid that possibility.

Hating yourself when alone may be unavoidable but trust me, you'll come across cross roads in life when both your situation and yourself could change vastly for the better and at that moment believe in yourself. The entire reason for hating yourself is that nothing is preordained, you could have turned out differently, hence so might the future. While that is so unconvincing to the psychology of the self hatred, truly try to make an exception and believe it at those precious few cross roads because they are basically you're only chance of getting out of this.

Through self hatred you criticise, and through that you improve, and find you respect yourself once more.

I hated being myself, and I still do. I wanted to dye my hair blonde and change my name. And put on a different personality. Sure, I got nasty remarks from admitting it and friends telling me it won't suit me, but I didn't care since I liked things that don't suit me, after all I hated being myself.