Can't Be Comforted When Upset

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Please note this is just a vent and I'm NOT trying to get a compliment out of anyone. Don't know what I want. It would be interesting if anyone else is anything like this.
What I WANT is to not have this happen, ha-ha.

You know what sucks about when I feel crappy, aside from feeling crappy? I'm not talking panic attacks here, just generally feeling like I want to sit and cry for an hour or so. Anyway, I can't take comfort from other people. My dad can calm me down from panic attacks and sometimes my mom or my dad can comfort me, and my therapist can calm me down from panic attacks- but that's all verbal, and that's pretty much my entire "Serissa feels crappy" approved support system, save for occasionally my grandmother as an ultra-last resort (she's nice but I don't want to upset her). I whine on here a lot too so that counts I suppose. When I'm upset in front of anyone IRL though I have that same emotion of misery that would be there if I was alone- PLUS embarrassment (of course), guilt, and fear. Sometimes terror.

I've gotten over the tactaphobia pretty well save for when I'm upset. When I'm upset even my mom (the person I've never ever really had touch issues with) can't touch me without alarm bells going off. So there's reaction number one for a lot of people; they might try to hug me when I'm upset and that just escalates me. When I'm like that I'm just expecting abuse, and that's all I can really think will happen if someone touches me, and I get terrified.

People can say "I hope you feel better" (generic and empty but appreciated) and maybe "You've done X well" (i.e. you can do school stuff, you've done x y and z for me, so long as it's concrete and inarguable, etc etc) but when either of my parents says (like they both did on Vday, randomly) that I'm something good in their lives (they actually both kind of said I'm the best thing in their life)… well, when I'm upset, it doesn't process AT ALL. When I'm not upset, it's more like, "Huh. OK, they have no grip on reality whatsoever as I'm a freaking nightmare as a kid and as a person to be close to but at least they think I'm something good." But when I'm upset it blows my goddamn logic curcuits if someone says something like that. Especially saying they love me, but even if they say anything vague and positive ("you're a good friend" or "you're nice" or "I like hanging out with you" being an example there- anything nonspecific and flattering). Actually when anyone outside of my parents and grandparents says that it doesn't process no matter what my mood. When my grandparents and mom say it it's an established thing to say. When my dad says it (he's only been in my life since I was 16 though he's my bio dad- a whole other story but let's just remember he's the father who did NOT f**k me up), it's not established and therefore it's a bit of a cognitive blowout. But my god, if anyone else says it, and I'm assuming they're not saying it to make me mad (which then makes sense as a thing to say), even when I'm at "peak form" I have to wonder, WHY? What is it? What qualities could I possibly posess that would make someone say that? ((I should note here that I really don't want a listing of qualities here, I'm just explaining why it blows my mind.))

And when I'm upset all I can think is, "But right now I'm worthless. Right now I'm weak and I'm useless and I'm making you feel miserable and I can't pull out of it. All I want to do is feel better so you don't start to hate me. People always seem to hate me if they know me long enough. This is why. This is what makes people hate me. And you're saying the opposite?"

So that kind of renders me impossible to comfort. I don't want to be weak in front of anyone. I don't want to be sad or cry in front of anyone and I can't take comfort from people I know in real life because I'm scared that that will f**k everything up for me. That's why it's so easy to post here on the forums; what's the worst that can happen? I get flamed, I get kicked off the mod team, I get banned… yeah, it would suck, but I wouldn't have lost something all that tangible. Plus I'm posting this in a place where people can only hear the abstracts, can't see my with my eyes red like I've just smoked ten thousand joints, can't see me looking (probably) like a rabid wild animal or some person who's snapped and could do anything at any moment. I don't know whether, when I'm panicking, I'm scary or just disgusting. I don't know what impression I give off when I'm sad, cringeworthy and pathetic or contemptible and weak.

The thing I got punished most for as a kid (and it was abuse under the guise of corporal punishment much of the time though sometimes it was verbal abuse or ridicule) was crying. Which offends me as a psych major because punishment should not elicit the f*****g behavior it's trying to f*****g stop! ((If you ever hit your kid to get them to stop crying, by the way, it's really an idiotic thing to do, whether or not you support corporal punishment in other areas. You hit a crying kid, they f*****g cry harder, dumbass.)) Easy to get a lot of stuff right there, huh?

Yup, I can relate. I crave comfort but rarely have gotten it, either because there was nobody to give it or because the other person has no idea what it is that would comfort me.

I comfort myself. Curl into a little ball and go down to the deepest part of the pain and ride it out.

Yeah I'm the same way too...I want the comfort badly but when my parents try to comfort me or make me feel better, it either has no affect or they say something that makes me feel worse (or at least my brain takes it the wrong way at the time and I perceive it as an offensive remark from them). The only one who can comfort me is my boyfriend.

I thought most of that was a fairly common chick thing?

I haven't encounter enough "normal" chicks to know...

I'm the opposite way. When I'm upset, I usually NEED support. I suddenly got depressed about something the other night while I was trying to fall asleep, and I just had to get up and go online so I could find someone with whom to get this off my chest. And unlike most aspies, I feel comforted by touching as well.

As for whether Serissa's reaction is a "fairly common chick thing" - well, I impulsively try to comfort peoplel when they're visibly upset about something, especially if it's something I can relate to, and it usually doesn't work. Of course, a lot of it is probably that girls assume that I'm flirting with them, or worse yet, that I'm trying to get in their pants. Being a nice guy sucks, what can I say?

I wanted to let you know that made me grin. ((I'm horrible.))

Heh, no worries.

I don't think it is. All of my "common chick" friends seem to respond well to comfort when they're really upset. They need hugs and people to talk to and tell them all of the things they need to hear and soon after they're alright. Not 100%, but alot better. Of course this may just be my friends... Oh, and they never seem to respond well to guys offering support either.

And to Serissa's post, I can relate most of it. Especially being able to comforted during panic attacks and not during general upset-ness. I'm exactly like that. And no one at all can touch me in any way when I'm upset, it gets the worse reaction out of me. I also find it gets really tough when I'm with someone or a group and I need to break down in tears but I can't because I'm showing a weakness in front of people. It sucks.

I hate the feeling that I'm showing weakness in front of people. It's taken me a long time to even trust my wife. And like Serissa, I can get to the point that I can't be comforted in any way shape or form and I always feel guilty that I'm F****** up everyone around me when I get that way. I have to find someplace and scream where nobody can hear me. I seem to have gotten better as I get older, but, somedays it's still a struggle.

I can get to that point not as much as i used too also I ussally just have to get away someplace alone and try to decompress alone and fall asleep NOTHING I have ever tried work and as far as being touched or given hugs at that point its like asking me to explode into a rage

I agree with the thread's title. When I'm upset, the worst possible thing someone can do is try to comfort me. If they do, I react in a way that makes them regret they tried . When I'm upset, the best thing people can do is leave me the f*** alone, and let me be. OK, offering me a cigarette will elicit a semi-pleasant "thanks", but that's the most anyone should try to do.

In my experience (4 girls) it's been true every time.