The slow dying flower.

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First of all, I would like your warn you that the following is the inner workings of my mind. It may or may not make any sense but for some reason I feel like I need to post it, I owe it to myself. Most of you should be able to relate to certain parts of it (or not). I honestly have no idea. I have great difficulty expressing myself and putting meaning into words so it may once again not make any sense.

All my life I’ve felt like I’ve never belonged. Anywhere I went I felt out of place. There are no emotions or feelings I’ve felt so far that’s justified my existence. To put it simply I’ve felt empty for my whole life. For the past 2 years or so I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. I don’t think that the term autistic fits me key to lock. While this diagnosis does explain a few things there are a lot of other things I just can’t explain or express.

Everywhere I look I see people with lives. They have friends, family and jobs. Each and every one of them has their own feelings, needs and wants. And it seems as though they have no difficulty expressing these. I’ve met people who are so happy that they are literally glowing and I’ve met people who are so sad they have coldness around them. However, no matter their mood, they always seem to have a way of venting this energy, whether negative or positive. Some people like to do charity work, while others like to go out and party. Some go to other less than normal methods to relieve themselves.

As a child I was able to vent some of this “energy” and remain calm and neutral. Not happy but not sad. However as time has gone on I’ve lost this ability. I cannot vent. I keep it bottled up inside. It keeps eating away at me, destroying the very person I am. Its destroyed relationships, ruined my school grades and possibly my life. I’ve posted a couple of times on this forum in small outbursts of emotion when things have just exploded but I’ve never really seeked attention if you catch my drift. I know of people who constantly do things to seek attention from others and I’ve never wanted to be seen as one of these people so instead I keep my problems my own and carry the weight by myself.

I was able to really cry for help once, when I jeopardised my school grades in a desperate attempt to save myself when I made a list of reasons for me to kill myself. After I did this I felt like I was dead. I almost tore up that piece of paper and would of never spoken of it again and off myself later that day. I don’t know what I accomplished by choosing to leave the list for my teacher to discover. I honestly don’t know anything anymore. I feel like I have no one to turn to. This guilt I can’t bear. I feel trapped by who I am and what I am. I go to and from the brink of euphoria back down to the dark pits of depression and I can’t stop myself.

I feel like I’m suffocating. I become frustrated that these things won’t go away. I want to scream and yell at the top of my lungs but I can’t. I wake up in the morning and I’m all alone. I walk out into the streets and there is no sign of anyone. I’m alone in this huge world. I’m the one chess piece in a game of checkers. Everywhere I go I feel as though I’m being judged by some unseen force, as though everyone around me can see my innermost feelings and thoughts and that scares me. I don’t want to die, I just can’t contemplate living. There is too much of everything and not enough of anything. I can’t stop thinking, these thoughts, again and again. I’m too weak to live and not strong enough to die. These thoughts and feelings drain all my willpower. God, anyone, please help me. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of who I am and what I’m becoming. I can’t speak about it, I can’t get rid of it, I can’t smother it and I can’t bury it.

I’m torn as to whether or not I should post this. I’ve reread and rechecked this post hundreds of times and it’s still not perfect, not right. I’m just going to go ahead and post this before I delete it. I died a bit inside posting this and I don't know why...

Aww, even though you are uncomfortable, we don't mind if your post isn't perfect: how it is, is how it is. And we'll accept it like that.


Thanks for letting us into this part of your life. We appreciate and respect you opening up and being vulnerable that way.


Maybe it's a bringing up, touching, then release, of negative energy more than a dying?

I see your post as a release of negative energy,
better to get it out then carry it around inside,

I read it all, and i related to it.

I feel much the same way. I started a thread where I expressed a similar feeling. I don't feel like I'm able to adequately express myself on here, or in life in general. Some kind of artistic outlet would be good for me but I don't feel like I'm creative enough.

Thank you all for your responses. Its a good feeling to know you're not alone.

I can relate to how you're feeling, and I hope that things start getting better for you, soon.