My birth was just my parenet's fault

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I have thought about it a lot. when I was just 2 years old I had 2 surgeries on my kidneys because of a rare genetic disorder called cystinuria, with having this syndrome I gradually realized there is something wrong with me, I related my difference to autism which matches all my disabilities my life has been a hell all the time, the university years, where I never have had an effective social interaction with my classmates and even have problems to say hello to them especially the opposite sex( even the girls never got me serious and ignore me,) they had many communities groups to be more with each other, and I was the only student aliened. And I now think about this fact how they judge me? At my work I come and go, have little communication with my co-workers, in a very terrible mood, the thing which really wonder me is: I have never seen someone like myself so I didn’t know which disorder I really have. I remembered a time when I was at a class and my teacher told me “Are you an outgoing or reserved person?”at that times I prefer to die not to here that question and all the student said she is so reserved. I saw many quiet or reserved person but I have seemed very different to others that they can never accept this differences. I started to search the correlation between my kidneys problems and social skill retardation till I found new searches in this case, that prove my hypothesis, the researchers identified a unique syndrome, inherited in a recessive mode, consisting of cystinuria, neonatal seizure, hypotonia, sever somatic, and developmental delay, facial dysmorphism, and speech disorder. a deletion on chromosome 2p16 can cause this ranges of syndromes! How lucky I am!! I now realize why I seem so strange, in my environment I can see people at my age fall in love, start form a family, enjoy their life but me… the unbearable fact is that I feel quite detach from the people whom I saw and live with. but I can’t change nothing.
If people accepted me the atmosphere were different. they don’t like me
if I had just autism maybe the condition was better but this syndrome is more complex, unfortunately this is my fate.

Funny enough I too have been questioning my fate and reason for existence. I feel as if I am an incarnation of historical circumstances. I feel as if I am no more than what I was destined to be. A fragile soul too afraid to exist amongst the rest of the world. I have been musing over the events of my life and I have come to the conclusion that the events that have preceded me, and those to which I have no control over, have made me into what I am. My father has a mental illness. I am not sure if it's autism related or not. But because his parents failed to look facts straight in the face, he became a father who created a very dysfunctional family environment. In this setting I was born, and although this environment did not make me the introvert that I am, it did take what little self confidence I had and crushed into a million pieces. In short I was placed in a environment which has been more harmful to me due to my being different.

My mind is clouded with "what ifs?" and "if only's". Questioning my existence creates a paradox in me. I become more informed of myself, but I also become more discontent. I can't connect with people either. I feel really alone and I wish I could get rid of this loneliness, but I find it just too difficult to overcome. I suppose I have accepted a fate of loneliness and insignificance.

I wish I had some real advice but I don't. Hang in there I know how tough things can be.

You can look at the bright side. At least you have a job. Some of us including myself find that really hard to accomplish. I also feel lonely. The strangest thing is that even if I go out with friends and be around other people (at parties etc...) I still feel that I'm lonely! I just can't connect to people it is like there is a barrier between me and them (maybe like "The Wall" ). I also never had a girlfriend due to poor social skills. But looking backwards at my life maybe there were some girls I could date if only I paid more attention to them!

Are you sure no one likes you? Sometimes people like us despite all the difficulties we have...

I believe that there is someone for everyone. And when you find that someone you will know without a doubt. You will realize that all of the time you spent waiting was just so that you could learn to share love for this person. I believe that. It took me 42 years to find the right one. I think that it would have been worth my while all along to not settle for just anyone along the way but now I am happy. I realize that friendship is not measured is quantity but in quality. But always remember to be yourself.
How and/or where did you find out about your genetic imbalance?

One of the better things I have learned since I was diagnosed and being able to post on WP and go through a bit of therapy is that I have faulty receptors. It wasn't that those people I wanted love from didn't love me, it was just that even though I had the longing for connection, I didn't have the connectors wired up to feel it from those that was trying to love me.

Just knowing that has allowed me to go back over my life and forgiven so much . . .

Yes I have a job, but it doesn’t mean that it worth having, I sometimes prefer to give it up, we go to work to earn money and at least not suffer of being with others and enjoy our times, but for me timework is rough. I omitted other social situations from my life. for example going to parties, restaurant ,pops, and even shopping…at work is the only place which I have to be with people and they wonder with my strange character!

My doctor had told my parents that my disease could have many side effects on my health for example short stature( I didn’t have this) and psychomotor retardation. For years I tried to purport my parents that my disabilities refer to it but they don’t want to accept it. They insist there is nothing wrong with me and I am ok! I also read somewhere that inborn metabolic errors can cause profound autism.

A common metaphor for being on the autistism spectrum is that it is like being trapped inside a glass box or a clear plastic bubble. You see the world around you, and to some extent you interact with it, but you can never really connect....



To make a long story short, a couple of years ago I sought out and obtained a job that requires very little interaction with other people. The work is less prestigious and the pay is much lower than my previous job, and I still have problems in other areas of my life, but switching to this job has at least removed one major source of stress in my life.